Humor, Life

THE DEFINITIVE RANKING OF TAYLOR SWIFT MUSIC VIDEOS, feat. THE INFAMOUS SHELBY

Sometimes when you’re writing blog posts, it can get a little tiring. And also, there’s only so much I can write about myself before I start to hate myself. So I’m changing the tempo, switching the beat, and doing a different kind of blog.

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I’ve teamed up with one of my best friends to bring you the definitive ranking of Taylor Swift’s music videos. Acting as a guest editor, the lovely Shelby will be helping me to decide what’s hot and what’s not in the Taylor-verse.

Side bar, this is not a little of every Taylor Music video because I’m only one fucking person, you guys. I can’t do everything.

LET’S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP!

1). Shake It Off

  • Shelby: I remember where I was when this single dropped.
  • Danny: The perfect “Fuck You” without being a “fuck you.” The beginning of a new era of pop.

2). Teardrops On My Guitar

  • Danny: This will forever be one of the greatest songs of my childhood. But Drew is not
  • Shelby: Why is she lying in a bed with rhinestones on her face?

3). Blank Space

  • Danny: A+ story. A­­­+ visuals. And a little voodoo realness for your pleasure.
  • Shelby: I am distracted by the cat.

4). Picture To Burn

  • Shelby: Remember when that “I’ll tell mine you’re gay” line was controversial.
  • Danny: Omg yeah. Also this is giving me Carrie Underwood “Before He Cheats” realness.

5). Bad Blood

  • Danny: I’m only mad because this is not a full-length film. Although when they all clumped together at the VMAs, I was rolling my eyes a little.
  • Shelby: Too many ppl.

6). The Story of Us

  • Danny: I feel like I can see a glimmer of future feminist Taylor in this and I love it.
  • Shelby: Excellent use of a library.

7). Begin Again

  • Danny: I LOVE THIS. HER LIPS. HER HAIR. PARIS.
  • Shelby: The story and the plot aren’t matching up. But I like the color palette.

8). Love Story

  • Danny: I don’t hate this. Why don’t I hate this?
  • Shelby: Wait this boy is Miley’s ex? The underwear model?

9). Mean

  • Shelby: They ran too hard with the vaudeville theme.
  • Danny: I hate this but it’s like “a good message” for the “youth” so I like it.

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THE MEH-DIUM

10). Back To December

  • Danny: Beautifully shot. Love the scarves. Scarfs? Scarves?
  • Shelby: But what REALLY happened between Taylor and Taylor?

11). You Belong With Me

  • Danny: I don’t even notice how cheesy this is. I’m lost in Lucas Till’s dimple. Don’t send help.
  • Shelby: Lucas Till = 2010 #baegoals. Fun fact: That shirt was really Taylor’s and so were the glasses. Those dance moves were also really Taylor’s.

12). We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

  • Danny: I like the song, I just wish she would chill a little bit.
  • Shelby: The whole band wishes they weren’t there.

OUCH. 

13). 22

  • Shelby: This looks stupid. We get it Taylor, you’re quirky and you bake a lot. Your whole life is an Instagram photo op. We get it.
  • Danny: The “vintage” photo border is very Microsoft Word 2007.

14). Our Song

  • Danny: Why is she writing on the mirror? She’s just gonna have to Windex that later.
  • Shelby: This rose bed looks like a Faith Hill video.

15). Everything Has Changed

  • Danny: I hate it when they use kid actors to represent the singers? Idk why. I hate kids. I guess that’s why.
  • Shelby: What the fuck kind of class are they making cookies in?

16). White Horse

  • Danny: I hate close-ups of mouths. It’s disgusting.
  • Shelby: WAIT THIS IS CLEARLY JOE JONAS BC HE BROKE UP WITH HER ON THE PHONE.

17). Change

  • Danny: She looks very “hottest girl in your Bible study class” here.
  • Shelby: It’s literally just spliced footage of one performance.

18). Fifteen

  • Shelby: This looks like someone discovered iMovie and was like, “ALL the effects!”
  • Danny: It looks like she’s in a bad teen movie’s idea of heaven.

19). Style

  • Danny: Too “artsy.” This song by itself is okay, but I just can’t with the video.
  • Shelby: 9-1-1! Taylor is touching chests and she’s only wearing a nightgown. That’s only 1 LAYER OF CLOTHING between them.

20). Wildest Dreams

  • Danny: Scott Eastwood is the only reason this video is not last place. Too problematic, and that wig is unforgivable. But I like her as a brunette.
  • Shelby: Ooooh my God. I’m moist.

21). I Knew You Were Trouble

  • Danny: What the fuck is the storyline? You might need rehab.
  • Shelby: The only good part of this video is that it led to the goat meme.

Truly this is a list for the ages. I actually really enjoyed doing this. Special thanks to Shelby and her roommate Melanie for helping me out with this post! You ladies really murdered my vagina—in a good way! Thanks!

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