I have a fundamental problem with those t-shirts that say, “Feed me and tell me I’m pretty.” Not because I have a fundamental problem with those two things. I love food and I’m extremely insecure. I just have a problem with you needing me to tell you that. Fuck, if I have to buy a shirt in order for you to satisfy my voracious appetite for food and self-esteem boosters, then we have bigger issues.

I need to make a shirt that says, “If you haven’t told me I’m pretty by now, it’s already too late because—” and then one of those boxing gloves attached to the springs comes popping out of my shirt and clocks you right in the kisser.

I just tried to find the Honey Boo Boo quote about being pretty and quickly fell into a black hole of Honey Boo Boo gifs. I also found out that Mama June and Pumpkin (the older middle one) have both come out as bisexual. I am really happy because I loved that show while it was on. I wrote about it a couple of times on my old blog—which was a trainwreck (in a good way).

I think we should tell each other that they’re pretty more often. Like, how hard would it be to go up to our friends and tell them that? Not hard. Now, I’m not saying just validate someone’s appearance, but I don’t think we can ignore the confidence boost it gives. And sometimes it’s just nice to tell someone that their niceness glows inside-out.

I feel like this is a topic I write/think about a lot, and sometimes even I can’t handle the sappiness. So let’s take the sappy out of this. Love the fuck out of yourself, you assholes. I’m sorry if that’s a little abrupt, but I’m simultaneously writing this and watching The Real Housewives of New York City and it’s the episode where EVERYONE HAS DRAMA WITH EVERYONE so I’m a little bit heated. A little hot and bothered.

I feel like Honey Boo Boo and the Housewives give me the same level of satisfaction in the fact and it’s very relieving to see/hear that other people who are equally as fucked up/dysfunctional/rude as me can be successful enough to have a television show.

I really think that for my emotional wellbeing, I need year-round seasons of the New York, Beverly Hills, and Orange County Real Housewives. Like, that would really be great.

This post has no real meaning. And the best part is that I wrote this like three weeks in advance. I’m just very emotionally drained. I might write something else. But whatever. Yolo. Now I’m just writing random things to get the word count to 500. It’s so close you guys.

ALSO LuAnn de Lesseps has had three songs released, and all of them are milestones in her and my life. Also I hate LuAnn de Lesseps.

This post has really done nothing except waste five-ten minutes of your life, depending on how slow you read. But if it’s taking you ten minutes to read this, then I think we need to buy you some “Hooked On Phonics.” Text me. I’ll hook you up.

BYE.