I ordered a tapestry off Amazon. It’ll be here tomorrow. Who am I?

I realized, looking through the last few posts of my blog, that I’ve done a lot of promo for other people. And if you know me, you know that I like attention. So instead of giving more blog-space to any of those wannabes, I figured you could use some catch-up on the haute-dog of my life. Because I’m the real queen bee.

Today I woke up before 10:30 in the morning, and as such, I am exhausted and it’s only 7:30 p.m. My sleep schedule has become so erratic that the Courts are considering taking me out of its custody. There, I did a bad joke. See? I’m so reliable. I went to meet people at the gym at 9:15, rolled in at a hard 9:20 and realized that no one was there and I had gotten up for nothing. I did fifteen minutes each on two different types of elliptical machines before chatting for twenty minutes with my friend Thea while she exercised and I lounged on the machine.

All in all, I was at the gym for almost two hours, and did approximately 35 minutes of cardio in that time. I think that’s an improvement. My ratio is getting much better.

My family was over this weekend, which meant that my sisters nosily poked around my stuff and noisily made comments about the décor and size of my apartment. I decided to order two tapestries off Amazon—I lied before—and some of that colorful washi tape to get all DIY. I’m thinking of putting “FUCK OFF” in washi tape over my toilet. Also how many washi tape demonic pentagrams is too many washi tape demonic pentagrams for a space? I feel like, just in case I’m not in good with God, I might try to hedge my bets and get in Satan’s good graces too. My mom told me it’s never bad to be over prepared. She wasn’t speaking specifically about devil worship, but I’d like to think that her sentiments still apply.

These last four days have been a whirlwind of weather. The weekend was into the double-digit negatives, then it snowed yesterday, and today it was 45 degrees and rainy. My body doesn’t know how to cope, and my wardrobe is suffering. There is only a limited number of times I can wear L.L.Bean boots before the Lumberati—the outdoorsy cousins to the Illuminati—convert me to a full-time heterosexual. Lately I’ve taken to putting a picture of Lady Gaga in a locket and wearing it close to my heart. Wearing lockets is very gay, so I think at the very least, the two extremes will balance me into a mellow bisexual.

I’ve already tweeted about this (follow me on Twitter, you peasants), but I downloaded Tidal. I didn’t really mean to, and I don’t really actually know how it happened. I heard, through the Tumblr grapevine, that Beyonce was releasing her song for free. I Googled it, followed a trail of links and somehow tumbled down the rabbit-hole. Suddenly, I had the Tidal app on my phone. I got the Beyonce song and 90 days of free Tidal, but I worry. I worry that, somehow, since Tidal now has access to my Facebook, that they now have access to my entire life. It’s only a matter of time before they trap my soul using old profile photos and some serious Picture of Dorian Gray-voodoo magic.

I’ve listened to Kanye’s new album, and I like it, but I don’t know if it’s worthy of his accolades. Also, accolades tend to not mean anything when you give them to yourself. It’s like being valedictorian of your home-school; it doesn’t really count. Also I’m not sure if you guys are following him on Twitter, but he’s saying some crazy stuff. Treat yourself.

Somehow I’ve slipped into the pop culture promo, so I’ll stop. I’ve started writing for The Odyssey Online again, so click here for a link to my author page. Y’all, I’m like famous.

Side bar: my last few articles for the Wunderkindof were more like “legit” so I couldn’t use wacky gifs, so I’m making a promise to myself that when I format this post (I write in Word, not online, if you cared at all) I’ll use ~~wACkY~~ gifs.