I was going to try to write something funny; I mean, I’m always funny, but I was going to try to be purposefully funny. This post will be funny because I can’t not be funny/handsome, but that’s not the attempt. I guess this was a disclaimer? Omg, btw, isn’t is so weird when people put the emphasis on the first syllable in disclaimer, saying it as “disclaimer” rather than the regular, human “disclaimer” or at least putting a similar emphasis on each of the first two syllables (dis-claim-er)? God, I could make an entire blog post about syllabic emphasis but that would actually be torture for everyone.

I, and everyone I know (aka everyone in the whole world basically), have been in a real funk lately. Maybe it’s the complex tornado of Midterms and the impending Graduation and Jobs and Parents and Expectations. Maybe we all just have Mono and none of us realize it yet. Both, frankly, are equally possible.

Is Mercury in retrograde? Has anyone checked?

I’m doing Big Life Things—not jobs, things, mom, so don’t text me—but it’s weird and enterprising and scary.

I just saw Someone and I feel the vibrations ripple up my spine and tingle into my teeth. I swear to god, my body is breaking, because I feel emotions in the weirdest ways and also my left eyelid—it’s the top (omg such a Top™ thing to do to be so demanding)—has been intermittently twitching for the last week and a half. The possible motives for this Twitching© are: 1). Lack of sleep; 2). Too much caffeine; 3). My body is trying to throw off the shackles of a demon possession and my mind hasn’t realized it yet; 3b). My demon is trying to take control of my body to help me improve my grades and job prospects and my mind is self-sabotaging itself. End of list.

I’ve also been walking around campus and noticing people that I always viewed as single suddenly start to pair up, like there’s some sort of biblical flood that no one warned me about. I’m not…I’m not “bitter,” but my friend Nina had the right word: “Embittered.” Like these fucking nobodies are shacking up for the winter season?? YOU DON’T NEED A BOYFRIEND FOR THE WINTER, YOU JUST NEED A FUCKING BOYFRIEND PILLOW.

I think the world just needs to collectively decide to just date itself for a while, and be single!! Mother Gaia, ur too hot to settle down!

Also, I’ve decided that I’m wearing too much gray/not enough gay. Remember how I mentioned that my friend Nina—ugh this bitch is popping up twice in one post? She’s gonna get such an ego—said that I cockblock her because everyone assumes that I’m her boyfriend. Well APPARENTLY THAT’S LEGIT AND I’M DRESSING TOO STRAIGHT. I’ll admit, I’ve been wearing a lot of baggy, boyfriend-style jeans lately—DOESN’T THE FACT THAT I JUST CALLED THEM BOYFRIEND JEANS IMPLY THAT I’M SO ABSOLUTELY HOMOSEXUAL—and dad t-shirts, so I’m going to switch it up.

From now on, to let everyone know that I’m gay before I even speak—Nina: “Once people hear you, they know you’re gay.”—I’ve got a new uniform: acid-washed jeggings, a Legalize Gay American Apparel crop top, UGG boots and a clip-in side-ponytail. Yes, I’ll look like a mental patient, but I look like a gay mental patient, and that’s all I wanted.

The weather is becoming more wintry, so maybe that’s the reason for my more melancholic—if a collie become depressed, is it then technically a melan-collie?—meandering musings, or it might just be g*ddamn fucking Mercury. I should disclose that I do not know what “retrograde” means, but I like to picture it as meaning “when you get really into the ‘70s disco scene”. I don’t think that’s what it means, but I’m not giving up hope. Yet.

Also I changed the fonts for my titles and text. Do you like them? I’m trying to make the whole look a little cleaner, a little more “aesthetic.” I haven’t succeeded, but I feel one step closer. LMK WHAT U THINK.