A spiralizer is one of those crank-by-hand devices that turns vegetables—your zucchini, your squash—into “spaghetti”-like noodles. It’s for people who are “healthy” or “hate themselves.” No one well-adjusted uses a spiralizer. Because the concept is bizarre: you take something awful but benign and spiral the shit out of it and turn it into a facsimile of something else, a bizarre perversion of what you thought you once knew. Spiralizers are the funhouse mirrors of the culinary instrument world.

Why, you ask in a soft, concerned voice (to not startle me), would you begin this (very late) blog post with a polemical diatribe about spiralizers? What did Giada de Laurentiis ever do to you?

She did nothing, but I feel like I put my life into a spiralizer today.

It takes a special kind of crazy to turn a nothing-something into a something-something, and for everything to spiral mildly out of control. Mildly, because I caught my crazy in the bear-trap of my rationale, which has its own peaks and valleys.

I’m not going to talk about it because I realize now—peak—that it is something that I might regret later—valley—so ISN’T THAT FUN??

Things that have been happening in my life in No Particular Order:

1). I finished the Gilmore Girls revival and I HATE IT.

2). I’ve been listening to rap music a lot lately, to ~pump myself up~ at the gym. And by “rap music” I no longer mean the rapping part of “Satisfied” from Hamilton. I mean real rap. God I’m so woke.

3). I’m excited for the holigay season. I love Christmas, and eating cookies, and drinking hot cocoa and burning my tongue and L.I.V.I.N.G. in sweaters.

4). I’ve been watching a lot of comedian Netflix specials. They just make me stressed while laughing.

5). WESTWORLD EPISODE 9.

Literally nothing else is going on. I thought I had something funny to say, but I’m mostly just in a bad mood and I want to throw a brick through a stained glass window—THE ONLY KIND (I think) OF WINDOW YOU CAN’T JUST REPLACE—and call it a day.

BYE. BYE. BYE.

I’m going to put in a YouTube clip to make you think that this blog post is longer than it actually is.