If you’ve ever wondered if anyone else ranks the various sexualities of ice creams (and/or gelatos, frozen yogurts), then you’re in luck. Because I’m here now. And no, I’m not doing this because I couldn’t think of anything else to write and it’s 4:24. 4:25.
It actually originated from a conversation I was having with a frand where she sent me a screenshot of a Facebook article: “Ben & Jerry’s bans two scoops of same flavor until marriage equality comes to Australia.” On the spectrum of “things that companies are doing to support queer equality,” this definitely ranks above Skittles whitewashing their candy, but…still.
So that made me remark that Ben & Jerry’s is definitely the gayest ice cream brand, and Baskin Robbins is the straightest. And just like that, I had my next ten minutes planned out. So here is the result of that conversation and the answering of a lot of questions you had about me, but the cropping up of a lot more.
- Baskin Robbins: super straight, not into me at all; not into me being cute and playing dumb about sports when he’s watching football
- Ben & Jerry’s: gay, stable, lives in Vermont but not in an annoying way
- Blue Bunny: straight, but a virgin; wears Crocs
- Breyer: straight, but a straight-up freak
- Carvel: Power top
- Cold Stone: isn’t gay but still wants you to be into him
- Dippin’ Dots: freak, wants you to connect the dots
- Friendly’s: is straight but says sexuality is a spectrum; often shirtless
- Good Humor: married, hot
- Haagen-Dazs: straight, but European; so…gay.
- Halo: a total Halo bottom
- JP Licks: straight, but into butt stuff (v Kanye and I’m not kink-shaming)
- Klondike: always yells instead of talks, is super annoying but you still would
- Magnum: see “Cold Stone”
- Pinkberry: a lady but gorgeous
- Red Mango: very granola, free-love; unclear
- Rita’s Italian Ice: old, and a lady but was so hot in her day
- 16 Handles: a girl; cute but not worth you turning
- Talenti Gelato: a lady and Italian and you’re gay but you still would; the Giada de Laurentiis of dairy
- Turkey Hill: married, boring
This might be the best post I’ve ever done, or it might be the absolute worst. Either way, it’s getting published. If there are any brands I’m missing, please let me know. But understand that I won’t go into yogurt cuz those kids are freaks.