Humor, Life


I just plucked my eyebrows and as per usual, I don’t know if I’ve done well or made a horrible mistake. I just kept repeating to myself in front of the mirror, “They’re sisters, not twins. Sisters, not twins.” So hopefully my eyebrows end up being Kendall and Kylie, rather than Jan and Marcia.

I’m officially twenty now, and I say “officially” because for the last month before my birthday I always lie about my age. It’s not a vanity thing; it’s just easier to say, “I’m twenty” rather than “I’m nineteen but I’m not a new nineteen, I’m an old nineteen because I’m about to be twenty, if you get my drift.”

I also went to the dentist this morning, so my teeth ache. I have no cavities, but my dentist really goes to town with the scraper, and now my teeth feel like they’ve been stripped of a layer. Also, the idea of “teeth” is kind of weird. Like, you have these parts of your skeleton that stick out of a hole in your head, fall out, then grow back stronger. It’s very “Alien v. Predator.”

I had a Skype interview with a potential internship this morning, so obviously from the waist up, I was casual-cute, and from the waist down, I was in the gym shorts I’ve been sleeping in all week. It ended up that I didn’t even need to wear clothes because it ended up being an interview sans video, but I wanted to check the lighting of my room before the interview, so I opened up the Photo Booth on my Mac and took a photo. This is that photo.

As per usual, I look manic.

As per usual, I look manic.

But then I scrolled through the photos that I’ve taken in the Photo Booth, and there’s not a lot. But one of the first photos was this gem:

Is this fedora a fedo or fedon't?

Is this fedora a fedo or fedon’t?

And all I can say is that I’m sorry and I understand that this is painful for everyone to look at. I don’t know the exact age I was when this was taken, but I’m going to hazard a guess and say that I was probably around fourteen or fifteen. There are probably a number of questions you have for me, so I’ll just go ahead and answer before you even say it. Yeah, I’m that good at anticipating other people’s needs.

Yes, I still have that fedora.

Yes, I thought I looked good.

No, I did not get any dates that year.

Sometimes I just look at old photos of myself and it makes me want to rock back and forth and say, “I’m not that person anymore. I have blossomed,” because that kid was wannabe-scene and wore AVIATORS. I’m sorry, but he didn’t understand that WAYFARERS SUIT HIS BONE STRUCTURE MUCH BETTER. I can’t. I’m too emotional. I can’t do it.

I would write more but I honestly forgot that A) it was almost six o’clock, B) it was Thursday, and C) that I was human. Also my mouth feels really weird still from the dentist and I have Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City Reunion to watch. And my sister says I don’t have anything going on in my life!

P.S. I’ve realized that I’ll want to have some posts waiting in the wings for when I’m getting settled in London, but fuck all if I’ve started writing those things. So text me if you have any post inspirations or ideas for me. Thanks.


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