You guys, omg I’m so sorry. This was not in God’s cards. I’ve been packing and running around and doing a bunch of inane, annoying tasks, and then I just started watching Gilmore Girls and then a rush of ice fell through my stomach.

Is that how anyone else feels sudden realizations? I feel like as a tumble of ice cubes that pass through my stomach. Not down, like through the throat, but through—front to back. It’s a very particular, peculiar feeling.

I have no real idea what to write about. My goodness, I’m so unprofessional.

OH MY LORDE. Kylie Jenner dyed her hair blonde, and it really is the only thing I care about in this world. She looks amozzing. I feel like just when I’m thinking, “You know what, I don’t need the Kardashian-Jenners,” they do something and it sucks me right back into their world.


Weirdly enough, I also introduce myself as Kylie Jenner.

Kylie is so pretty, but it’s also kind of gross. Have any of you seen that Tumblr post that says, “Kylie looks like the 23 stepmother of Kendall who married her dad for money”? That is very much a real thing.

Also Kylie Jenner is doing this thing on her Instagram where she puts up a picture of a person who inspires her and through that inspiration shows her that she is more than x,y,z, like sexuality, or her body, or her…forehead. It’s kind of awesome but also kind of weird because I feel like she’s not really “celebrating” these people but redirecting it back to herself, and that’s a little gross.

I can’t decide if I like Kylie or not. I feel like she’s one of those teens who is so “#overit” and I hate people like that, who never get excited about anything. But then again, if my life was krazy as Kylie’s, I don’t know if I would be doing backflips either. Actually, fuck that. She wears Balmain and Saint Laurent; she can do a backflip.

I would cut all of you for some Saint Laurent. Is that something I should’ve just said in my head rather than type out for everyone to know? Maybe. But I already did.

Sometimes I think we forget about Kris Jenner. Not in like a “Oh, who is that?” kind of way. But I think we forget that she birthed an empire, both literally and metaphorically. Like, oh my god.

Also Kylie’s name on Instagram—not her username—is “King Kylie” and Kylie’s boyfriend Tyga has a son named King Cairo. Is Kylie trying to induct herself into that family? Illuminati or Illumi-not?


In this gif, I am both Kylie and Kendall.

This post has literally made no sense but I feel like it has cleared up many things for me.

1). I need to stop looking at Kylie’s Instagram.

2). Kylie is definitely a part of the Illuminati.

3). Illuminaughty is a great name for an elite, high-class strip club with a password to get in.


That is all.

I lied. It’s not all. Did I just write an entire post about Kween Kylie? What has my “journalism” come to?

Also, side bar, I hate the new “Google” font. It looks dumb.


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