Celebrity Sunday, Politics, pop culture

WHAT’S BEEN HAPPENING: VALENTIME-TO-GO

Okay, so if you live under a rock—PLEASE LET ME JOIN YOU. I CAN’T HANDLE THE PRESSURES OF MODERN SOCIETY—then you might not know what’s been happening this weekend. And luckily for you—PLEASE I’M JUST A CHILD—I have the scoop—literally, my mother brought me up an ice cream scooper from my house this weekend—on what the hippest, hoppest happenings are.

 

WHAT’S HAPPENING RN:

 

1). Formation: No surprise, but I listened to “Formation” more and discussed it with people. I even discussed it a little with my mother, which involves a lot of avoiding talking about the Illuminati and me not playing her the song because I refuse to witness my mother hearing anything about Red Lobster.

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Source: Danny McCarthy

2). I’m a target for the Illuminati: I downloaded Tidal to get “Formation.” And I might be paranoid, but I gave them access to my Facebook to sign in—because I’m too lazy to type out a username and password. I’m afraid that Queen Bey will see that I tweeted about Kanye on SNL last night, so frankly I have a limited time left. They’re not going to kill me, but I feel like they’re going to very Kirstie Alley to my Leah Remini.

Even though I love Beyoncé, I’m concerned that my outspokenness on the Illuminati will make me soon disappear. In all likelihood, they’ll just take away my phone. BUT I WOULD RATHER THEY TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM THAN MY PHONE.

3). The GOP Debate: As a pop cultural junkie, advocate, altar boy and anthropologist, I’m obviously drawn to messy, scandalous situations, and right now, the presidential race is more appealing to me than the Twitter beef between Yolanda Foster and Lisa Rinna about the most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’m actually alternating between listening to Kanye’s new album and watching last night’s GOP debate.

The GOP candidates seem to me like the biggest pack of Mean Girls. When they discuss Justice Scalia’s recent death, they are all of the opinion that Republicans need to block Obama from nominating anyone, because they’re afraid of losing a conservative majority on the Supreme Court. But like isn’t that so shady? This is how we end up with a fucked-up country and a heavily polarized government, because the parties are so consumed with getting their way that they completely forget to do what’s actually good for the country. And not directly undermining the President would be good for the country.

And I was about to type, “But that’s none of my business,” but it literally is my business. It’s our business. We’re going to be stuck with this country a lot longer than the old men on that stage.

But “let’s dispel with this fiction” that the GOP does what it’s doing. Omg, am I making a political dig? I’m so smart.

4). SNL slaying the game: I thought that SNL was actually really funny this year. And the short about Beyoncé was so on-point, it’s scary. Because conservative white people who were outraged by Beyoncé were just essentially outraged by her crime of being “black on TV.” Yes, I think there were definitely homages to Black Power, but I think that people are afraid of Beyonce actually utilizing her incredibly powerful platform to be political, strong and unapologetic.

Also, their cold open with Hillary and Jeb was funny and kind of cringey, but in a good way. I miss SNL’s portrayal of Donald Trump by Darrell Hammond. I need to figure out a way to make Hammond playing Trump saying “Yuuuuge” as a phone ringtone.

5). I changed the background on my phone: First it was John Krasinski shirtless because HE’S SO HOT I’M GONNA CRY and now it’s a picture of fries. And I actually Googled “fries” and sifted through the results before arriving at the perfect picture of fries.

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Source: Danny McCarthy

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Source: Danny McCarthy

6). Valentine’s Day: I only thought about dying alone once. Okay, twice. And my family and I accidentally went to the single most romantic Valentine’s Day restaurant in Boston, where I annihilated a crème brulee. No regrets.

7). CRUCIAL NEWS: I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME IF KIM KARDASHIAN WEST’S HAIR IS DYED OR NOT; OR I WILL LOSE MY MIND. At first, when I saw the photo of her, alongside her sisters, at the Yeezy season 3 show, I assumed it was a wig. It looked amazing, but it looked like a wig. But I was so happy to see her out and about that I didn’t do my proper research, which I regret. Then I was looking on Kylie’s Snapchat and I saw her in her now-classic braids—not personally a fan, but not what we’re discussing right now—and she was still in her platinum hair and you could see the faint shadow of dark roots mingling with bleach. So what is the truth? How was I not aware of this? Who—of my staff—is to blame? Answer: all of them. I love Kim’s platinum moments, and I hope that this lasts a little longer than the last one.

 

8). King Kylie: Kylie Jenner is making Snapchat masterpieces. I missed her last one a few weeks ago, but if you scurry to tonight’s, it’s veritable cinema. Kim is doing a better job acting than her Drop Dead Diva appearance + “Jam” song combined. She says “staff” more times than a Planned Parenthood employee (staff, STAPH, get it? Amiright?). And although it was supposed to be satiric, I fully believe that Kim takes selfies with an entire entourage of photographers, music guys, light guys, and possibly a hype man (it was quite the group, I can’t be sure). It’s a love story to rival Titantic. Do we have a new director on our hands? A Va-Jay-Jay Abrams? Omg, you have to admit that that’s a hilarious pun.

9). Making Waves: Is what I can’t call this one, because Kanye’s new album is actually called The Life of Pablo. I’ve started listening to it, and I like it, and I’m getting dragged into the deep, swirling black hole that is Tidal. Also, on a completely unrelated note:

10). Einstein (Not the bagels): I’m not too knowledgeable about this, but somehow Einstein was proved right about his theory of space and time being interwoven concerning gravitational waves. A billion years ago, two black holes knocked into each other, causing a ripple effect that has shot across the universe and has finally been picked up by scientists. So basically, Einstein is…well…an Einstein, but we all knew that. It’s actually really cool.

Whew, this was a big one. Hopefully you’re all caught up with things. How are things with you? Good? That’s good. Tell your mom I said hi. Kk. Cool.

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Source: Danny McCarthy

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Rambles

KYLIE’S KRAZY WORLD

OH MY GOD I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT MY BLOG.

You guys, omg I’m so sorry. This was not in God’s cards. I’ve been packing and running around and doing a bunch of inane, annoying tasks, and then I just started watching Gilmore Girls and then a rush of ice fell through my stomach.

Is that how anyone else feels sudden realizations? I feel like as a tumble of ice cubes that pass through my stomach. Not down, like through the throat, but through—front to back. It’s a very particular, peculiar feeling.

I have no real idea what to write about. My goodness, I’m so unprofessional.

OH MY LORDE. Kylie Jenner dyed her hair blonde, and it really is the only thing I care about in this world. She looks amozzing. I feel like just when I’m thinking, “You know what, I don’t need the Kardashian-Jenners,” they do something and it sucks me right back into their world.

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Weirdly enough, I also introduce myself as Kylie Jenner.

Kylie is so pretty, but it’s also kind of gross. Have any of you seen that Tumblr post that says, “Kylie looks like the 23 stepmother of Kendall who married her dad for money”? That is very much a real thing.

Also Kylie Jenner is doing this thing on her Instagram where she puts up a picture of a person who inspires her and through that inspiration shows her that she is more than x,y,z, like sexuality, or her body, or her…forehead. It’s kind of awesome but also kind of weird because I feel like she’s not really “celebrating” these people but redirecting it back to herself, and that’s a little gross.

I can’t decide if I like Kylie or not. I feel like she’s one of those teens who is so “#overit” and I hate people like that, who never get excited about anything. But then again, if my life was krazy as Kylie’s, I don’t know if I would be doing backflips either. Actually, fuck that. She wears Balmain and Saint Laurent; she can do a backflip.

I would cut all of you for some Saint Laurent. Is that something I should’ve just said in my head rather than type out for everyone to know? Maybe. But I already did.

Sometimes I think we forget about Kris Jenner. Not in like a “Oh, who is that?” kind of way. But I think we forget that she birthed an empire, both literally and metaphorically. Like, oh my god.

Also Kylie’s name on Instagram—not her username—is “King Kylie” and Kylie’s boyfriend Tyga has a son named King Cairo. Is Kylie trying to induct herself into that family? Illuminati or Illumi-not?

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In this gif, I am both Kylie and Kendall.

This post has literally made no sense but I feel like it has cleared up many things for me.

1). I need to stop looking at Kylie’s Instagram.

2). Kylie is definitely a part of the Illuminati.

3). Illuminaughty is a great name for an elite, high-class strip club with a password to get in.

*****

That is all.

I lied. It’s not all. Did I just write an entire post about Kween Kylie? What has my “journalism” come to?

Also, side bar, I hate the new “Google” font. It looks dumb.

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