If you know me literally at all, you know that I am heavily invested in pop culture. I would like to make discussing and dissecting it into a career, but for now it’s just an obsession. But, truly, I feel like everyone who has a career first had it as an unhealthy obsession. If Paula Deen didn’t have a TV show, she would just be a racist woman with hair full of secrets and an unhealthy addiction to butter.

But if you, like me, are into pop culture in any way, then you’ll be grateful for this post—how to make the perfect pop culture holiday party!

HERE WE GO:

1). Branding:

When sending out your cards, you’ll have to have a name for your party. If you’re Jewish, might I suggest “Hanuchaka Khan?” If you celebrate Kwanzaa, maybe a “Michelle Kwanzaa” party? And for my Christmas homies, there is literally no other option than “Krismas!”

If your guests are “confused” or “don’t think that those puns are very funny, Danny,” don’t be discouraged. These responses simply allow you to rescind certain invitations and never invite those people to your home again.

2). Attire:

Because we’re enveloped by the machine—oh, play Florence + the Machine!—it’s basically a mandate that everyone wears an ugly Christmas sweater. But wouldn’t be hilarious if it was just pictures of Kim Kardashian ugly-crying?? Or a reindeer! So cute. Extra points go to the person who incorporates mistletoe in the ~imaginative~ way.

A lot of Christmas jumpers nowadays have music ingrained into the design in some way, but if you’re poor like me and can’t afford to reinvent the wheel, don’t worry. Sew on some store-bought Jingle Adeles to the cuffs and torso of your sweater. Every time you move, you’ll create your own best-selling single!

3). Locale:

I don’t care where you actually are, if you’re not calling the location of your party “Amy North Poehler,” then you’re doing something wrong. In your yard, please scatter large amounts of Selena Snowmez, topped with a careful sprinkling of Khloe Kardashing Through The Snow. To create a cozy ambience, put in Liam Frosted Window Paynes. Backlit with soft candles, this holiday must-have will turn any party from a zero into a Big Hero Six. 

4). Décor:

Hanging on the tips of your Chris Pine Tree should be delicious Katy Canes. These festive red-and-white striped sweets can be taken off the branches and used to stir hot cocoa. Create Wreath Witherspoons—I didn’t think of this. I give full credit to The Mindy Project; I just had to mention it—with your Holly Berry clusters and hang on your front door.

If you’re celebrating Krismas, feel free to put SAINT WEST as the lil baby Yeezus in your manger. If you’re Jewish, please do the same. Actually, make Saint an integral part of all holiday décor. I don’t know why I like writing his name in all-capitals, but it’s a thing that I’ve been doing. Another thing I’ve been doing: commenting “SAINT WEST” on my friends’ Facebook walls and photos. No rhyme or reason. It’s very Taylurking of me.

5). Music:

My Christmas 2015 Spotify holiday playlist of course!

6). Food & Drink:

Mulled Miley Cider warms me right down to my bones. It’s a perfect holiday treat, and so easy to make! Pour a full gallon of apple cider into a pot or crock—or Croc—and bring it to a medium-simmer. Stir with cinnamon sticks or orange peels and spike with bourbon. Serve in a festive holiday mug.

Since it’s a holiday party, you don’t want people getting too full before the big meal. I would suggest simple Snack Efrons and Nick Jonappetizers to tide your guests over. These simple amuse-bouches can be made in advance. Just pop into the oven when you’re ready! And for dinner, get ready to cut into your delicious Jon Glazed Hamm! Covered in a shell of brown sugar and soft and succulent on the inside, it’s always a hit!

7). Games:

Am I so lame that the first party game I thought of was “Pin the Tail On The Don Quixote”? Or is that very literature-chic? For my Hebros, why don’t you spin the Dr. Dreidel? Either way, I think I might be punned out, so just play Scrabble or something. I don’t know. Figure something out. I can’t plan out your entire holiday party for you.

*****

There you have it, the perfect pop culture holiday party! This is totally something I would do with my friends, if they would just lift that darn restraining order! Seriously, guys! It’s so hard to meal-prep if I can’t come within 500 feet of y’all! It’s like, how are you gonna pass the gravy! You’re crazy—I love it.

But I actually do have friends and I don’t have any priors. So I might actually try to throw a Krismas party with my friends. but I feel like that might alienate them. Already I’m on tenterhooks with most of my social circle, because I’m very pro-“Saint West” and people are very much offended by it.

But I guess preaching the truth is polarizing. I know another guy who divided people through his preachings. Omg, I’m literally going to Hell now—I’m so sorry Jesus. I hope that you follow this How-To to a T because it will guarantee a perfect holiday party!

P.S. Honorable mentions go out to the people who helped make this blog post possible: my co-worker/friend Amanda, who was stunned by Saint and my great ability for punning; Charlie, for thinking up Dr. Dreidel because you’re a giant Jew; Marco, my literal angel, who helped me brainstorm great puns and is personally responsible for Amy North Poehler, amongst others; Mitchell, my babz, for thinking up Holly Berry; my live-in child-ward Sebastien for mixing a great gin-and-tonic and getting so tipsy he’s asleep rn; my sisters for discussing pop culture w me, even if one of them had the wrong reaction (Margot).

Love y’all!

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!