So that title is misleading: this post isn’t going to be about toddlers in Louboutins. However, that’s totally the title of my new memoir, Toddlers In Louboutins: The Danny McCarthy and Kris Jenner Story.

I was walking in the Westchester Mall, which is the iconic mall of Westchester County. It has everything from Urban Outfitters to Gucci, and I saw something that literally made me go WTF.

I saw two 15-year-old girls walk out of Louis Vuitton. UM. EM. HENNY. Why are you walking out of a luxury store? You have braces. You can’t have braces and a purse that’s worth more than my life. Rude.

And then I was in line at Urban Outfitters and this girl in front of me with her Louis Vuitton Speedy bag was returning something. And she was being really annoying and I wasn’t even actually listening but I wanted to go up to her and ask when she got that bag: before or after she sold her Claire’s soul to the devil.

I’m obviously extremely invested in celebrity culture, so it shouldn’t be surprising to me when children make me feel like a literal plebeian. But there’s something about seeing people in real life—in my own county—who are living life large.

Also, it’s so like eye-roll that these 15-year-olds were in Louis Vuitton. Like I literally don’t understand it. Were you lost? were you looking to buy something? How do you have even the knowledge of luxury?

But as soon as it’s on TV, I’m beyond okay with it. I’m actually for it. I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Lisa Vanderpump literally got her husband two miniature horses for his birthday. Who the fuck needs one miniature horse, let alone two?? Like, also, what are you gonna do with them? You can’t ride them. You can’t boil them for glue. They’re just gonna wander around in her garden and…graze? Do horses graze?

Obviously my fave example of opulence is the Kardashians, and in the grand style of Kardashians, here are a few things I would buy if I had Vanderdashian money:

1). A gold toilet.

2). Diamond forks.

3). A personal assistant who lets everyone know that they are not to look me in the eye.

4). A peacock barbeque.

5). Peacock coat.

6). A trainer/dietician/shaman.

7). An assistant for holding my car keys.

8). An assistant for my trainer/dietician/shaman.

I would love to be so rich that people were afraid of me. Like, I wouldn’t do anything to them. I just want them to know that I could. Also I want to have at least two bodyguards. I won’t need them. I just want two former-bouncers/former-Marines in black t-shirts and bald heads and no necks who just hover behind me and make me look especially thin. Also I want a fur coat to drape over my very frail and thin shoulders.

Essentially, I want to be a boy Olsen twin. A Boylsen.

I’m been watching a lot of Bravo reality TV, so I’m not entirely focused. Omg did y’all see Star Wars? Does anyone want to see it with me? I love talking during movies, so be prepared for that. Happy Christmas Eve Eve!

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!