Things I Like

PODCASTS THAT YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO

There is something that I do consistently throughout the day. I do it in the car. I do it in my bedroom. I do it in my bathroom. Sometimes, I even do it at the gym. Some might say it’s a naughty little habit, but I’m addicted, and I can’t give it up.

Oh. No, no. It’s anything bad, like doing the cocaine or rolling marijuana cigarettes or chronic masturbation. Did it seem like that? On the count of three, let’s both say what we think it is.

One…two…three! 

You: Murder!

Me: Murder! I mean—err—podcasts.

Yes, that’s right. I f*cking love podcasts. Long ones, short ones; multiple hosts; single hosts. I think there is nothing better than having a long list of unlistened-to podcasts.

(Side bar: I have no clue how this happened, but I just ended up reading through the entirety of Roseanne Barr’s Wikipedia page; and she has lived.)

Anyway, literally what was I talking about?

I first became into podcasts when my family and I went to Ireland over the summer, and it was 10 days crammed into a single car with four psychopaths (love you guys!). I like listening to music and staring out of windows, but the idea of doing that constantly while we drove around the coastline of our ancestors (s/o to Ireland) was a little much, so I began downloading podcasts. And my personhood changed quicker than that time I went through puberty—still waiting to finish going through puberty, tbh.

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Why the f*ck does this exist??

So here are the top podcasts that I’ve been loving and I’m going to require that you love too. Because if you don’t love them, then you don’t love me, and why are you even here, Marcus? Trying to ruin my life again? God. Things will never change with you.

This is in no particular order, so calm down:

1). Psychobabble

Hosts: Tyler Oakley and Korey Kuhl.

Okay, so if you know YouTube at all, then you probably know of Tyler Oakley, but don’t be alarmed. This isn’t a necessary requirement to like Psychobabble. It’s very pop-culture heavy, and has the same feeling of listening in on two besties in a coffeeshop. They’re very conversational and relaxed and mostly just talk.

Pros: Easy to get into; minimal knowledge of anything other than pop culture required. Feel-good.

Cons: Only 30 minutes. Contains no convicts.

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Truly my reaction to everything.

2). #girlboss

Host: Sophia Amoruso

One of my newest faves. Sophia Amoruso is the creator and CEO of Nastygal, a clothing brand, and wrote a book #GIRLBOSS. Her podcast is dedicated to interviewing interesting women who are killing it in their careers. What initially drew me to her was her interview with Sloane Crosley (who is one of my top three favorite writers/career role models) but I actually like her very peaceful dialogue and calm voice and good interview questions.

Pros: Awesome guests. Good banter.

Cons: New, so it hasn’t kicked into its vibe quite yet; has weird transitional music.

3). Straight Talk with Ross Mathews

Hosts: Ross Mathews, panel of co-hosts.

Ugh, I love this so much. It’s extremely well-organized and has the feel of an actual, legitimate radio show—it even has a show on Sirius XM once a week with live interactions with callers. It has Ross Mathews (Jay Leno, E News, RuPaul’s Drag Race and now Hollywood Today Live), who is funny and sweet and gives good advice. Sometimes they bash one of the cohosts, which is one of my absolute pet-peeves on a radio show when they have one person who is the punching bag, but I try to overlook it.

Pros: 2x a week. Segments include: Email of the Week, Snack Attack, game shows, and advice.

Cons: Sometimes can drag on. Sometimes the co-hosts annoy the shit out of me.

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Expect realness like this.

4). The Nerdist

Hosts: Chris Hardwick & other ppl idk

I’ve heard about this for a while, and I finally looked it up and listened to the interview with Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer. It was a little “inside joke-y” but really funny and interesting and a good peek into the world of comedy writing.

Pros: Has funny people on it.

Cons: Is sometimes too much to handle.

5). Shane and Friends

Hosts: Shane Dawson and Jessie Buttafuoco

Okay, so this is another YouTuber, but he doesn’t do very YouTube-y things. Whereas some other YouTube podcasts only feature YouTube creators, Shane has gotten some cool/weird people, like Michelle Visage, Ross Mathews, Bo Burnham, Tara Reid, and f*cking Farrah Abraham. Also they’re obsessed with Farrah, and have a “Farrah Abraham Time” when they discuss what crazy thing she’s done recently. Caveat, I really liked Shane and his previous cohost, Lauren, and their banter, but Lauren left to pursue other projects. I like Jessie, but she’s very “Live ya life” and sometimes makes me want to crack my jaw on a rock.

Pros: Good banter; good pop culture.

Cons: Shane mentions that he was 400 pounds and lost 200 pounds at least once a podcast.

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You listening to my great podcasts.

Okay, so like I could literally talk about podcasts for another 1000 days, so if you wanna hang out and chat and discuss, we can totally do that. And if you’re a cute boy, then we can DEFINITELY HANG OUT pls pls love me.

Check out those podcasts and let me know which you liked, which you hated, and which you would listen to. Also give me ideas for other podcasts to listen to. I’m about to start listening to Nicole Polizzi’s podcast (Snooki—it’s Snooki) so obviously the bar is very low and I will accept any recommendations. Jk, I f*cking love Nicole.

Love you 5ever!

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Humor, Life, Rambles

AN ASS LIKE A THROW PILLOW

I have this theory that I only look truly hot in my bathroom mirror.

And if proven to be true, this theory is quite unfair to the other (seven billion minus one, I can’t even begin to do that math) people on this Earth because (seven billion minus one) people cannot fit into my bathroom all at the same time to witness me looking hot. And even if we scheduled out a time to get roughly six people into my bathroom to witness me looking hot, it would take a billion (is that right?) trips to show everyone how hot I looked.

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How much “more info” could I possibly want?

Adding in the time required for each person to adequately drink in my beauty, and I’m looking at 32 years—at least—of being in a bathroom with six other strangers, and that’s just if each group gets a one-second viewing, which is unlikely and—frankly—unfair to them. But by even doubling the viewing time—64 years—or tripling it—96 years—it still seems impossible to do.

So the moral of the story is that you’ll have to just take my word for it that I’m hot.

End of post.

Just kidding. Could you imagine? That was basically a math class.

Side bar, I was lying on my front lawn with my laptop—to be artsy, obviously—and I had to give up because I was getting uncomfortably moist. Which got me thinking, is that redundant? Is there a way to be “comfortably moist?” It doesn’t seem like it.

I’ve been wearing a lot of short bathing suits and watching a lot of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which obviously has led me to thinking about my ass a lot. I’m long and lean—with a 10/10 face, in my bathroom mirror—so while my butt is cute and perky, it doesn’t pack a punch.

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So today—Sunday, today, not Monday, today, when you’ll be reading this—I did squats and lunges. I put on “The Night Is Still Young” for some Nicki Minaj inspiration. And while doing that, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror—the mirrors at my Planet Fitness gym might be a solid second for how hot I look—and saw my profile. And my little tush wasn’t Kardashian-esque but it was cute in profile.

I was listening to Ross Mathews’ podcast Straight Talk With Ross

Minute—minute as in “very small” and not as in “a measurement of 60 seconds”—side bar, I never know when to italicize and when to put things in quotes. Like, if it’s apart of a greater piece of work, you put in quotes, I think, but what is a podcast? Very unclear.

—and one of his cohosts was giving advice to a caller. She was nervous about bringing a guy back to her house because it wasn’t all Pinterested out and she was worried he wouldn’t be (P)interested in her if her house was subpar. And the cohost said that most people don’t notice the décor if the ambience and the host are warm and inviting.

“He’s not going to notice your throw pillows,” she—the cohost—said. “He’s going to notice you.”

And so, in a roundabout—“rounded butt” more like it—way, my ass is like a throw pillow. It’s nice that it’s there, but it’s not crucial to the party. But then, also, in a later episode, Ross said that he has roughly forty throw pillows in his house and he rotates and swaps them out, so maybe throw pillows are important? I’m getting very mixed signals here. What does that mean about my butt?

I’ve been reading a lot of BuzzFeed articles about how to “dress for your curvy body,” and while that sounds odd, because I’m not a voluptuous woman, I’ve discovered a ton of curvy women role models who totally embrace their body. Add that in to Ross Mathews, who is the poster child (man?) for loving your body, and that’s really what I want to get into. Loving my body. Living for it. Thinking that it slays. Because body confidence is sexy and refreshing and wholly too uncommon.

I have a small but perky butt. I have long eyelashes. I have good hair. I have nice lips. I have shoulders that have potential, a little tummy poof. But I have killer thighs and calves. That can be enough for now. I still slay. I’m still making people gag on my eleganza, live for me, die for me.

P.S. I saw this commercial for a medicine that combats foot fungas and it had an anthropomorphized foot playing tennis. This is not Don Draper’s dream.

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There are no words. This is pedi-ful. Get it? Like “pitiful” but “pedi” because of foot.

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