Written while driving back from a weekend away near the Finger Lakes because sometimes you just need an upstate moment.

It’s been so long since I’ve shopped not online that you almost forget the terrifying possibility of finding something, trying it on, realizing it looks unflattering, shattering the dressing room mirror and getting yourself a lifetime ban from the J.Crew outlet. Luckily, that didn’t happen, but my pulse was raised the entire time in anticipation. Most people have fight-or-flight reactions in the face of a grizzly bearing down on you, or a gang circling around you on an unlit street corner. I had that chemical adrenaline kick when faced with an overpriced (sorry, J.Crew) button-down in a ~funky~ pattern. I don’t think I would do well in a post-apocalyptic scenario.

Half of my “friends” (social media friends) are vacaying in tropical locations (your Hawaiis, your Miamis, your Jamaicas) and the other half are kicking it in their hometowns. 100% percent of my actual, h2g friends are kicking it in their hometowns. Thank god for that because I have jealousy issues.

Instead of jetting (sorry—Jetta-ing*) down to a sunny locale, me and the fam went upstate to visit our extended fam. It extended my wallet, my mind, and my stomach. My heart remains closed. And as I’m writing this, I’m traveling back home and taking a break from reading Superficial, the latest installment in the Andy Cohen Diaries. And this has been a very Andy Cohen weekend, in a way. The following are random, relatively-unrelated paragraphs that operate, almost haiku-like, in conjunction with each other. It’s a literary mosaic, but not like those word clouds that Facebook generates at the end of every year. I’m very boring, according to Facebook. Shade.

I shopped and picked up some great “pieces.” Whether or not I purchased these with vacation brain will soon be discovered (the same brain that buys a timeshare in Clearwater, Florida). Spent the entire weekend in my Clarks desert boots—which I haven’t worn consistently since high school—and really felt my oats. On a related note, everyone should watch the music video for “STUN,” Alaska’s song with Gia Gunn off her Poundcake album.


I ate fish tacos (Andy Cohen’s never mentioned fish tacos but one can assume; such a chic taco). I watched three (3) Oscar-nominated movies (La La Land, Lion, and Moonlight). And after having watched all three, I remain firm in my opinion that while La La Land was cinematic and flawlessly shot, written, and produced (and the soundtrack is bomb), Moonlight deserved to win. Knowledge, pass it on, bitches.

Side bar—I’m very into “important” things right now. Like “this movie was important.” Not in a condescending way though. I watched Paris is Burning (on Netflix rn! Watch it hunhy!**) and was utterly spellbound by it. Seeing the first public introduction/source of so much queer culture was, frankly, inspiring and humbling. And even though Paris is Burning is a beautiful intersectional representation of the queer POC community, it was impossible not to, even just as a queer person, be awed by the history.

Read an article about gay men and loneliness, which can apparently be attributed to something called “minority stress”—that even if you weren’t particularly bullied, you were introduced to the trauma of being the “only”, which has effects later on. Yikes but also important. Will link HERE when I’m out of the car. The all-caps isn’t me yelling at you, hunhy, is me yelling at me not to forget to link. Don’t forget, dick.

I listened to Lorde’s new single more, and I can’t place the piano in the “bridge” (is that the right spot) where she sings “But I hear sounds in my mind/ Brand-new sounds in my mind”. I’m ~young~ but am I right in grounding that bridge in the ‘80s? It’s got a very ‘80s jazzy pop-ballad tune to it. I’m just stringing words together. Overall I think it’s incredible—her breathy notes, the enunciation and emphasis of “s”, the lyrics (I love any mention of teeth)—and it’s fascinating to hear an artist’s sound after a prolonged absence. In a way, it’s what Adele should’ve been. 25 is beautiful, but it’s very similar to 21 in sound. “Green Light” is different than the saturated, Tumblr-themed sadcore pop that Lorde had on her Pure Heroine album. And “Green Light” did exactly what it aimed to do—made me excited to hear Melodrama.

Have been diving back into my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist. I did it a few months ago and found some great bands. Then I thought I was smarter than the playlist (hubris) and spent the next few weeks overplaying all my music. How did I even wonder why I hated my music? So, humbled, I’ve crawled back to my Discover Weekly and have found some great new songs.

Hindsight, bitch.

Petted a dog all weekend. There’s something uniquely therapeutic about petting a dog that isn’t yours—makes you realize that other dogs can be cute too. And if other dogs can be cute, then maybe there’s hope for all of us. Big leap, but I’m nothing if not 13 Going on 30.

**Was trying to type “hunty” to my friend, which was autocorrected as “Hunyh” which in turn was interpreted by my friend as “hunhy” which I like too much not to use. Is this how language develops? Who knew it was so gay!




Sunday, March 13

I didn’t blog this week, and I feel its absence like a physical itch in the back of my head. I don’t think I realized how much I liked having that outlet; I would see something in the news, or think of something funny, and immediately think, “Oh, that would be a good post,” or “I should write that down.” But I forced myself to take a break, which was probably the best thing because now I’m ready to get back into blogging.

Spring break is over, and all of a sudden, the end of the semester seems impossibly close. It’s not fair—I just got back, and now it’s halfway done. When did I become the kind of nerd who wants more school? Or maybe I’m a self-preservationist who knows that after this semester, I only have a year left of being a literal child. It’s so weird—I bought pants (J.Crew) over the break and it struck me that I’ll probably have these pants well into my first working years. EWWWW.

Total side bar—I’m on the train coming back to school, and I’m using LTE because Amtrak Wi-Fi is a joke but the little “Are you sure you want to use up your data?” asshole pop-up keeps appearing every time I switch songs on Spotify. So, out of desperation, I decided to join the Amtrak Wi-Fi because I’m not really using data anyway. And now it’s taking forever to connect. Like, are you serious? You been begging me to use you and when I decided to throw you a bone, you’re slow?? Explain.

I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube tours of “tiny houses”—it’s more common than you might assume—and I’ve been really into this one particular channel—Nelson Tiny House. And I’m so over technology that I can’t even explain how appealing the daydream is of giving up everything, heading to British Columbia, and build some tiny f*cking houses. I could grow a beard, wear those cargo pants with the zip-away conversion to shorts, and use a—gulp—flip-phone.

What have I been doing this week? I watched some TV, and I read a book, and I edited articles, and I saw ppl I love, and some ppl I h8.

I’ve been in a very distinct music groove right now, very clean, a little Phoenix-inspired and an organic, early pop sound. I finally downloaded Carly Rae Jepsen’s Emotion album (I don’t know how to do the little dots to separate it like on the album, so I won’t) and that, combined with Foxes’s new album All I Need, Sia’s This Is Acting, and this new band that I’m very into, Cruisr—which gives me major Phoenix vibes, which is what I listened to when I was, like, fifteen and living for pop—has made me have the feels. That’s what I love most about music—it really affects me. It sinks into me and really shapes my mindset. So right now I’m feel a little early ‘00s hopeful and shiny, if that makes sense.

Also did you know that Elle King’s dad is Rob Schneider?? That’s completely unrelated to what I was talking about, but “America’s Sweetheart” was next on my Spotify and I remembered that I had looked her up and found that out. Kinda crazy, right? Definitely did not expect Elle King, who is so grungy and hot and cool, to have a dad like Rob Schneider. Fun!

I’m over Halsey at the moment. I was into her in the summer, but I’ve overplayed her music, and I’m not connecting with some of her album, so I’m gonna take a break from her. I hope she understands. I always do that with music. I play it ragged and then I toss it aside. Or I’m so impatient that I’ll skip through songs I like because I’m positive that there’s one song that perfectly fits my current mood if I could just find it.

Two questions:

One: Why did Snapchat change its font? I first read about it through an article, because I do not check Snapchat regularly, but then I did and I hate it. I shouldn’t have as extreme a reaction to it as I do, but here we are and there it is.

Two: Should I be watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta? I currently don’t, but I watch Beverly Hills and Potomac—idk, don’t ask me why—and when OC and New York come back, I’ll add those to the roster too. When did I become the kind of gay who watches four different versions of the Real Housewives? Anyway, Atlanta seems like it’s interesting, but I wonder if I’m too far gone already. Like, is it a waste to start now? Is the drama good now, or is there a backstory I’ll need to know to be interested? Like, I could never have started watching Beverly Hills this season if I didn’t know last season’s history, because this season is boring and no one has smashed a wine glass in a restaurant (yet).

Does anyone remember when Aviva Drescher threw her prosthetic leg across the table at Sonja Morgan’s “Team Sonja” party on RHONY? Even typing that out makes it seem fake, but that was so real.

Oh, there’s gonna be a Real Housewives of Dallas! Who wants to bet that someone will say, “Everything’s always bigger in Texas,” at least once every episode, and at least one Housewife will have some variation on “The higher the hair, the closer to God,” in her tagline? Anyone?

I’m on the train, and I’m afraid to check, but I think we still have more than an hour and a half left. So I’m literally just writing down anything that comes to my head. It’s a way of essentially writing Tweets without wasting data.

Would you rather have a ghost haunting your house or a human person stalker? There are obviously pros and cons to each, so I won’t rush you to any sort of decision right now. Get back to me. I think I would rather have a human stalker. At least he can be arrested. I’m not sure how I would get rid of a ghost, without having to find a medium, and who has séance-money these days? We’re coming out of a recession.

Side bar: do you ever get so bored of a song that you check and see that it’s only halfway through, and all you can think is, “What else could you possibly sing? I feel like you’re done?”

I really like reading reviews of TV shows. Before, I was like, “Ew why is this a thing?” but now it’s one of my favorite things to do. I follow a blogger who writes the most sickening reviews of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and even though some of her other stuff makes me cringe because she’s mean, I kind of adore her reviews. I think it’s fun because you get to see what other people think—it’s entering into a tacit dialogue.

Should I do more reviews of TV shows? Chic or not chic? I understand that it could be polarizing, but surprisingly my review of the Kocktails with Khloe premiere was one of my more popular posts. I’ve obviously since given up on Kocktails—as has most of America, I’m assuming—but there are other shows I could do.

Imagine this: I love this show called The People’s Couch. It features five-or-so “couches” (families or friends) who watch the most recent episodes of popular shows. It sounds so f*cking boring, but the couches are so funny and it’s cool to see someone reacting to shows that you might not see otherwise. What if I did a review of that show? It would be a blog review of a show where people review and watch shows. Too meta? Probably.

I need to stop writing this ramble of a post, but I just have one more thing to say.

I find Daylight Savings so weird. The days were going to get longer again anyway, because, like, nature, so I just find it peculiar that the government decides to give Nature a little helpful shove by turning up the clocks. Or turning back the clocks? I can never get it straight. I think it’s turning up—heyoooo—so don’t bug me about it. I could do a full rant about Daylight Savings Time—am I even writing it correctly?—but I’ll spare you. Send your gratitude by way of some crisp twenty dollar bills; there are some shoes I want to buy.

Whew! It feels good to be back. I know that you missed me. We should get together sometime! You want to pick the date later? Okay, that’s fine. Just text me.