pop culture, Rambles, Things I Like

APPARENTLY I’M A HUGE BEYONCÉ FAN, AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW

(Written in a campus Starbucks because my lifeline has been voodoo-linked to my Gold Card status)

I’ve been starting every conversation I’ve had this week with, “Have you listened to Lemonade?” It’s a good ice-breaker, and allows me to know who I should shun and who I shouldn’t (shundn’t?). I’m a pop culture whore/anthropologist, so it’s important to me thtat I surround myself with like-minded people. Or rich people. Or people who can explain how planes get off the ground. I get the whole “in flight” thing, but how do they get there?

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Source: Giphy

Anyway, anyway. When a major cultural moment occurs—Adele’s 25, Britney shaving her head, Justin Bieber’s nudism—we as a people need to acknowledge it. I was simply doing my part. I found out about the album dropping almost accidentally on Sunday night (pure luck) and have been listening to it pretty much this entire week (I mean, it’s Wednesday, but nothing sells a story like hyperbole).

My favorites are “Pray You Catch Me,” “Hold Up,” “Daddy Lessons,” “Freedom,” and “Don’t Hurt Yourself.” I’m not mentioning “Formation” because that’s obvious. Anyway. I’ve been thinking about it, and I have poor impulse control, so since I’ve been thinking it, I’ve been bringing it up in conversation. Sue me.

Side bar: I’m pretty sure Beyoncé was wearing Yeezy Season Threezy in her visual album. I think the song was “Don’t Hurt Yourself.” It was definitely when she was screaming that she would “bounce to the next dick.”

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Source: Giphy

I have an in-depth discussion of the visual album with my coworkers. I insist that my classmate finds some way to access Tidal purely so she can listen to the album and we can talk about it. Normal, sane things.

I’m at a meeting for the magazine I work for—City Editor—and I was casually bringing up Lemonade because, remember, culture. Then someone at the table remarked, “Wow, you really like Beyoncé.”

“No I don’t!” I objected. Which is technically true. I like Beyoncé, but do I love Beyoncé? Well…yes. But am I obsessed with her? Am I a diehard fan? Of course not. I appreciate her as a vehicle for discussion, and for what she represents. And also for how sick her vocals are and how bomb her nails are. Seriously, did you see how good her nails were when she was in that bathtub singing…“Pray You Catch Me(?)”?

And then someone pointed out that my sweatshirt, which has a picture of the painting Madame X (one of my all-time favorites), had Beyoncé lyrics over it: “I walk like this cause I can back it up,” from “Ego.” And that my phone’s background was just an endless repetition of the lemon and bee emojis. And that I had brought up Lemonade at least sixteen times within a half hour meeting. And suddenly…my world spun.

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Source: Danny McCarthy via his phone “Voldemort”

Was I a huge Beyoncé fan? How could I have missed it?

My whole image of myself shattered. I had always thought that I never stanned for anybody, that as a journalist I kept a healthy distance from my pop queens. Sure, I track RuPaul’s Drag Race tags on Tumblr, and my phone backgrounds include a regular rotation of gag-worthy pop culture icons.

But apparently, this entire time, I was harboring a secret love for Beyoncé. My journalistic ethics have been biased this entire time (beyased—omg, I can’t be stopped. I’m addicted). Since I’m now a huge fan, I need to change a few things in my life. Firstly, I’ll get a social media face-lift: everything that can be Beyoncé will be Beyoncé. No more funny Real Housewives testimonials. No more picture of drag queens caught at unflattering angles. No. I will be committed, and I will not waver.

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Source: Giphy

One thing I’m still wondering—am I still allowed to make fun of Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams? I feel like that’s a definite gray area for us Beyoncé fans.

In other news, I started the week by dry-heaving halfway through my workout. I had just finished doing squats and lunges, and had stopped to talk to my friend Thea. We’re having a conversation about a class that I’m in now that she took last semester. In the middle of discussing the video project, I stop talking and inform that I need to excuse myself because I’m pretty sure “I’m going to vomit.”

I did that fast diarrhea walk to the bathroom—you guys know the one—and promptly started gagging as soon as I was in the bathroom. I didn’t end up throwing up—frankly, a letdown—but after I was sure that my bile would not make an appearance, I shakily rose from my Hidden Tiger Crouching Dragon position, washed my hands, and walked back over to Thea to finish our conversation. I’m nothing if not a professional. I decided to cut that workout short and go home.

That’s been my week so far—Beyoncé and dry-heaving. Not that different from my usual. Except maybe a little more Beyoncé. I feel like I’ve fulfilled my dry-heaving quota for the month. That feels good to get that off my chest. I almost named this post: “DRY-HEAVING TO BEYONCÉ,” but that’s a little niched. Trying to broaden my audience.

Also I realize in my fervent attempt to convince everyone that I’m not a Beyoncé fan, I’ve written a 1000-word article entirely about Beyoncé. The irony is not lost on me. But I am lost. Can I borrow your cell phone to call my mom?

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Celebrity Sunday, Politics, pop culture

WHAT’S BEEN HAPPENING: VALENTIME-TO-GO

Okay, so if you live under a rock—PLEASE LET ME JOIN YOU. I CAN’T HANDLE THE PRESSURES OF MODERN SOCIETY—then you might not know what’s been happening this weekend. And luckily for you—PLEASE I’M JUST A CHILD—I have the scoop—literally, my mother brought me up an ice cream scooper from my house this weekend—on what the hippest, hoppest happenings are.

 

WHAT’S HAPPENING RN:

 

1). Formation: No surprise, but I listened to “Formation” more and discussed it with people. I even discussed it a little with my mother, which involves a lot of avoiding talking about the Illuminati and me not playing her the song because I refuse to witness my mother hearing anything about Red Lobster.

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Source: Danny McCarthy

2). I’m a target for the Illuminati: I downloaded Tidal to get “Formation.” And I might be paranoid, but I gave them access to my Facebook to sign in—because I’m too lazy to type out a username and password. I’m afraid that Queen Bey will see that I tweeted about Kanye on SNL last night, so frankly I have a limited time left. They’re not going to kill me, but I feel like they’re going to very Kirstie Alley to my Leah Remini.

Even though I love Beyoncé, I’m concerned that my outspokenness on the Illuminati will make me soon disappear. In all likelihood, they’ll just take away my phone. BUT I WOULD RATHER THEY TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM THAN MY PHONE.

3). The GOP Debate: As a pop cultural junkie, advocate, altar boy and anthropologist, I’m obviously drawn to messy, scandalous situations, and right now, the presidential race is more appealing to me than the Twitter beef between Yolanda Foster and Lisa Rinna about the most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’m actually alternating between listening to Kanye’s new album and watching last night’s GOP debate.

The GOP candidates seem to me like the biggest pack of Mean Girls. When they discuss Justice Scalia’s recent death, they are all of the opinion that Republicans need to block Obama from nominating anyone, because they’re afraid of losing a conservative majority on the Supreme Court. But like isn’t that so shady? This is how we end up with a fucked-up country and a heavily polarized government, because the parties are so consumed with getting their way that they completely forget to do what’s actually good for the country. And not directly undermining the President would be good for the country.

And I was about to type, “But that’s none of my business,” but it literally is my business. It’s our business. We’re going to be stuck with this country a lot longer than the old men on that stage.

But “let’s dispel with this fiction” that the GOP does what it’s doing. Omg, am I making a political dig? I’m so smart.

4). SNL slaying the game: I thought that SNL was actually really funny this year. And the short about Beyoncé was so on-point, it’s scary. Because conservative white people who were outraged by Beyoncé were just essentially outraged by her crime of being “black on TV.” Yes, I think there were definitely homages to Black Power, but I think that people are afraid of Beyonce actually utilizing her incredibly powerful platform to be political, strong and unapologetic.

Also, their cold open with Hillary and Jeb was funny and kind of cringey, but in a good way. I miss SNL’s portrayal of Donald Trump by Darrell Hammond. I need to figure out a way to make Hammond playing Trump saying “Yuuuuge” as a phone ringtone.

5). I changed the background on my phone: First it was John Krasinski shirtless because HE’S SO HOT I’M GONNA CRY and now it’s a picture of fries. And I actually Googled “fries” and sifted through the results before arriving at the perfect picture of fries.

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Source: Danny McCarthy

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Source: Danny McCarthy

6). Valentine’s Day: I only thought about dying alone once. Okay, twice. And my family and I accidentally went to the single most romantic Valentine’s Day restaurant in Boston, where I annihilated a crème brulee. No regrets.

7). CRUCIAL NEWS: I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME IF KIM KARDASHIAN WEST’S HAIR IS DYED OR NOT; OR I WILL LOSE MY MIND. At first, when I saw the photo of her, alongside her sisters, at the Yeezy season 3 show, I assumed it was a wig. It looked amazing, but it looked like a wig. But I was so happy to see her out and about that I didn’t do my proper research, which I regret. Then I was looking on Kylie’s Snapchat and I saw her in her now-classic braids—not personally a fan, but not what we’re discussing right now—and she was still in her platinum hair and you could see the faint shadow of dark roots mingling with bleach. So what is the truth? How was I not aware of this? Who—of my staff—is to blame? Answer: all of them. I love Kim’s platinum moments, and I hope that this lasts a little longer than the last one.

 

8). King Kylie: Kylie Jenner is making Snapchat masterpieces. I missed her last one a few weeks ago, but if you scurry to tonight’s, it’s veritable cinema. Kim is doing a better job acting than her Drop Dead Diva appearance + “Jam” song combined. She says “staff” more times than a Planned Parenthood employee (staff, STAPH, get it? Amiright?). And although it was supposed to be satiric, I fully believe that Kim takes selfies with an entire entourage of photographers, music guys, light guys, and possibly a hype man (it was quite the group, I can’t be sure). It’s a love story to rival Titantic. Do we have a new director on our hands? A Va-Jay-Jay Abrams? Omg, you have to admit that that’s a hilarious pun.

9). Making Waves: Is what I can’t call this one, because Kanye’s new album is actually called The Life of Pablo. I’ve started listening to it, and I like it, and I’m getting dragged into the deep, swirling black hole that is Tidal. Also, on a completely unrelated note:

10). Einstein (Not the bagels): I’m not too knowledgeable about this, but somehow Einstein was proved right about his theory of space and time being interwoven concerning gravitational waves. A billion years ago, two black holes knocked into each other, causing a ripple effect that has shot across the universe and has finally been picked up by scientists. So basically, Einstein is…well…an Einstein, but we all knew that. It’s actually really cool.

Whew, this was a big one. Hopefully you’re all caught up with things. How are things with you? Good? That’s good. Tell your mom I said hi. Kk. Cool.

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Source: Danny McCarthy

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