REVIEW of RIVERDALE EP. 10, “The Lost Weekend”

Agents of Chaos And the Plot Thickens

Grade: A

The trap that CW shows fall into sometimes is “adulterizing” their shows. “Teenagers” (aka twentysomethings with young faces and six-packs) deal with very adult situations in very adult ways, in very adult clothes. It’s the trap that Riverdale has fallen into, mostly because the actual adults in the town of Riverdale are absentee at their very best, and downright maniacal at their very worst. But this episode, framed similarly to a “bottle episode,” brought out a much more teenager-y vibe. And as someone who is definitely no longer a teenager but still acts like a child, I really appreciated that.

When you mix a bunch of people whose brains haven’t finished forming with alcohol and cake, you get essentially what last night’s episode was—secrets spilled like the syrupy margarita mix spreading across the table like a bloodstain, emotions running high, and no one eating the cake. Tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.

Source: The CW

It’s Jughead’s birthday and for semi-unspecified reasons, he hates his birthday and no one knows about it. He says it’s because his family dynamic was so messed-up but for one “arbitrary” day, they would click together in artificial happiness—ostensibly to make him feel better when it actually just made him feel worse. I can totally sympathize with the notion of holidays getting you down—Instagram is the fucking worst.

Archie lets it slip to Betty that it’s Juggie’s birthday and wanting to be a Good Girlfriend, she arranges a small party of the Inner Circle. The “Inner Circle”—a phrase that gets annoyingly tossed around, like, eight times this episode—consists of Jughead, Archie, Betty, Veronica, Kevin, Kevin’s boyfriend Joaquin, and Ethel Muggs. What a fucking rager. Jughead said it best later in the show when, in a rage at Betty, he says that he would’ve actively avoided people like Veronica and Kevin before they became friends with Betty. Kevin barely appears in the show, so the fact that he’s Inner Circle means that, quite literally, Jughead has no friends.

This episode also was really rude to its Hot Redheads, and for a show that started out with the bullet-to-the-face murder of a Hot Redhead, that’s saying a lot. Cheryl is challenged by Veronica for control of the Vixens (operating essentially as surrogates for their respective fathers), and Drunk Archie has a beer thrown on him when he bugs Val to talk. As a Hot Redhead, this episode—obviously—made me uncomfortable.

Source: The CW

The party was supposed to be small but the resident Agents of Chaos—Cheryl and Chuck, who’s back from his suspension—crash the Inner Circle with two kegs and bad intentions. Cheryl ropes everybody into a game of Secrets & Sins—like Truth or Dare but sluttier and more dangerous—where multiple different episodic threads come undone in one moment. Chuck reveals that Betty roofied him and went Zero Dark Betty. Dilton Doiley reveals that he saw Ms. Grundy’s car at Sweetwater River the day Jason died and that Archie was there too. Veronica basically reveals what we all thought—that Cheryl was twincestingly in love with Jason and killed him. It’s fucking twisted and gnarly and perfect.

All these concentric circles have been spinning around each other, inches apart. And now—thanks to Cheryl—they’re beginning to bump into each other and cause ripples of chaos. And though this operated largely as a bottle episode contained inside the party, I think the effects of this night will play out over the last three episodes.

Source: The CW

The end of the show sets up too parallelisms, two sets of couples both preening in their own destructiveness. Jughead accepts Betty back into his arms only after realizing her dark side (which is problematic, but I can’t deal with that right now) and Veronica and Archie bond over their parents’ messed up relationships. Sadly, I thought this episode would have more Shirtless Archie (we only got a brief glimpse at the beginning and at the end) and Cheryl, but the Cheryl that we did get (Evil Fur Cheryl) was spectacular.

This episode very strongly brought back Zero Dark Betty, which I’m hoping they delve more deeply into. It’s the only interesting facet of Betty, and semi-mirrors the outwardly dark-sided Cheryl. Really, they’re the only two characters that display some sort of nuance other than a base drive. Jughead (a hot, cis white guy) is the Weirdo. Archie is the Artist-Jock. Veronica’s the Reformed Bad Girl. Kevin is the Gay. Cheryl and Betty—tied together by the death of Jason and the life of Polly—are the only ones that teeter between multiple depths at all times. And if Riverdale was smart, they would capitalize on that.

Source: The CW

All in all, this episode brought me everything a CW show should—teen drama, salacious scandal, alcohol, hot guys (not shirtless enough, but still hot) and murder. In an ever-mutating world, it’s nice to have at least one thing to count on.

Next Week: “To Riverdale and Back Again” (Only three episodes left!

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

The return of Psycho Betty
The return of Shirtless Archie
UGH THAT TOO-TIGHT HENLEY
Is that true about the Three Musketeers? That there were four?
Veronica wears GLASSES
Cheryl wearing a shirt that says HBIC on the back
CHERYL IN A FUR IS MY GOD
Spooky threatening note by Hiram
Drunk Archie makes me feel…things
“Oh, it’s Kevin…”—Juggie
BETTY IS A FUCKING CREEP WHEN SHE’S SINGING
“Now we’re here…in the middle of a Seth Rogen movie.”
Archie wears…a lot of cardigans. A lot of tight, tight cardigans
Kevin wants to fuck on the banks of Sweetwater River, like really bad
Alice Cooper=full Rear Window
I HATE when hot, cis white guys are like “I’m a weirdo; I don’t fit in” I wear beanies and write weird stories on my laptop
- “Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird!”
Alice is from the south side, potentially was a Serpent
Veronica & Archie kiss—no sex—Veronica wears NYLONS
I want to meet Hiram
MOLLY RINGWALD

Source: The CW

Review, television

REVIEW of RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE S9E3, “Draggily Ever After”

Grade: B+

Once the first elimination happens, the lovey-dovey kaikai of the queens shatters and they realize that, hunny, this is a competition. So when the ladies filter back into the Werk Room after the elimination of Jaymes Mansfield, the tone has drastically shifted. Thank god.

This week is sans a mini-challenge because the maxi-challenge is to create a fairytale princess and a sassy sidekick character. Now, remember the Season 7 Hello Kitty challenge? The queens had to make a Hello Kitty-inspired couture look and a Hello Kitty companion. I assumed that this challenge would be the same, with the queens walking the runway twice in each look. Nope.

Instead, the queens walked the runway once in their princess looks, while a CGI version of their sassy sidekick (fake body and the queens themselves dragged up in character) floating next to them. It was, without a doubt, one of the most emotionally scarring moments for me to see Farrah’s disembodied head—painted stark-yellow as a fish—floating next to Farrah as a mermaid on the main stage. I won’t recover and I’m sending RuPaul my psychiatry bill for the session that I’ll need to deal.

With the first sewing challenge comes my favorite part of Drag Race—a queen complaining that she didn’t know she had to prepare for this. This is season 9, and we still have queens whining that they didn’t understand the challenge. I could set my watch by it. This season, it’s Kimora—she of “Only Ugly Girls Wear Sparkles” fame—and Farrah—whose highlight could be used to laser through solid steel if you paired it with a handheld mirror. The Vegas girls didn’t realize they would have to know how to sew, as Farrah whines while she hot-glues green sequined fabric onto a bra. Eureka, because she is godlike, helps out Farrah but honestly there’s only so much she could do. Lead a horse to water, and all that shit.

On the opposite side of the Werk Room, Aja has this challenge in the bag. I think it was episode one, but Aja said she was begging for a sewing challenge (or was that Jaymes?) because she would slay. Now she has it, and her fairytale princess character (a volcanic woman named Diastah) is going to slay the runway. She cackles out a laugh as she paints on her eyebrows. Now, I’m going to say this, and I know that I’m speaking as someone who has never done drag. Aja’s make-up was bad. It was, like, really bad. This has nothing to do with her skin—which other queens have apparently been shady and rude about. I don’t care about her skin. Her application of her makeup was bad. Her eyes were like Thorgy Thor did them in a k-hole, and her drawing of her lips made them look like a puckered, overwrought sneer. Her outfit, in my opinion, wasn’t even that bad—but I don’t even know because I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her makeup.

While they’re getting ready, the girls talk about the Orlando massacre at Pulse nightclub. Several of the queens are from the South—Cynthia was supposed to be performing there that night, and Trinity had performed there last week—so the shooting hit them especially hard. Topics like the Pulse massacre are difficult to talk about in reality television. There isn’t enough time, really, to give the topic its proper due, but I was glad to see that Drag Race addressed it. Other shows, like Vanderpump Rules, were filming during the event, so they obviously addressed it. but because it was Vanderpump, they made it all about how they—straight, white, cisgender people of privilege in West Hollywood—were upset by it. Which is disgusting. As Trinity said, queer people are still not accepted, despite marriage equality. And it’s something that we as a community need to keep in the back of our heads. It’s sad, but it’s true.

The queens hit the runway with guest judges Cheyenne Jackson (so hot) and Todrick Hall (so hot and talented). The top three are Valentina, Trinity and Peppermint, and the bottom three are Farrah, Kimora and Aja. Truly, when Farrah came out in her mermaid outfit, I blacked out and saw a vision of Derrick Barry in his mermaid look from last year, and I remembered how Derrick (in his “Mother” look) wore a dress that was a vague recreation of the dress that, in his words, made his father want to fuck his mother and impregnate her with Derrick. Darkdarkdark.

Honorable mentions include Shea (red hair, blue mermaid-style dress with a fabulously voluminous tulle puff on the bottom), Sasha for storytelling, Charlie for her headpiece, and Eureka for her sewer queen look. As someone said on Untucked, the “safe” queens had the most conceptual and intricate looks.

Trinity won the challenge for “going ugly”. That sounds like shade, but for a pageant queen, trying to go ugly is often what gets them eliminated. I’ll admit, I saw Trinity as a quick-elimination, but she’s really growing on me. I like her, and her silicone body a lot. Valentina is praised again for being Valentina and looking like Linda Evangelista, but as Aja said in Untucked in a jealous moment, Valentina’s look wasn’t that impressive. And it wasn’t—but it was modeled well and her sassy sidekick was fleshed out.

Farrah is safe and Aja and Kimora go head-to-head in the lip-sync. I heard from various people that Aja slays at performances, and so I was astonished when I saw it firsthand. She did massive twirls and jumped into a full-on split, spun into a death-drop, etc., etc. Aja is declared safe, and Kimora is sent home. There’s something about Kimora that’s magnetic—it might just be her sex-eyes—so I’m sad to see her go, but I don’t think she had the fire for competition. Which is fine, not everyone is cut out to go balls-to-the-wall against twelve other drag queens.

I didn’t see the promo for next week, because I missed the live screening and I had to watch on a shitty server. But I’m guessing it was mostly just Wendy Williams being…Wendy. Actually, that’s probably the silver lining of me watching it on a grainy server. I managed to avoid having to watch Ross Mathews and Wendy Williams. Thank god.

FINAL THOTS/STRAY OBSERGAYTIONS:

I still love Eureka, am loving Trinity a little more, and am enjoying (but cooling) on Valentina.
Charlie Hides—the world’s oldest living twink—makes a great elf.
I can’t believe Ru didn’t make a “fairy” joke when introducing the week’s challenge.
Nina’s outfit vaguely creeped me out and I can’t figure out why.

Next week: “Good Morning, Bitches!”

Review, television

REVIEW of RIVERDALE EP.9, “La Grande Illusion”

Sins of the Father

Grade: A

Honey never goes bad. And because it never spoils, it can be used to preserve things indefinitely. There was a myth once of a Greek king whose queen died tragically. To cope with the pain, he entombed her body in honey—thus preserving her forever. It seems like the Blossoms are trying the same—preserving Jason’s memory by suffocating Archie in sweet maple syrup. But the problem with preservation is that that thing you’re trying to keep will still be dead when you uncover it.

In fact, this entire episode centers around preservations of things gone spoilt. Betty struggles to hold together her family, Veronica is trying to reconcile her father as the parent she loves with the monstrous businessman in the shadows. The beginning of the series delved into the dysfunctional mothers of Riverdale, and now we’ve moved onto the fathers. Fred Andrews, Cliff Blossom, Hal Cooper. Speaking of the last one, Hal Cooper is totally a concussed football troll gone to seed.

Source: The CW

In the A-plot, Archie is being roped into the Blossom family drama. The members of the Blossom Maple Farm board are descending upon Thorn Hill for the annual first tapping of the maple tree. With the scandal of Jason’s murder, and his role as the heir presumptive of the family business, the board members are trying to edge the Blossoms out of the company. The entire first half of the episode is dredged in layers of sexism as Cliff Blossom tries to coil his meaty, rosacea hands around Archie’s broad, sculpted shoulders. Cliff wants Archie to temper out Cheryl’s irrationalness and erraticism. She is, apparently, not even remotely being considered to run the company. Let’s not forget that Jason was a drug-mule and knocked up his high school girlfriend, and he—as a boy—was still considered more stable than Cheryl. Sexism.

This was the first episode that I got a slightly lower register on the Cersei scale from Cheryl. Yes, her obsession with her brother verges on pornographic, but something was illuminated for me. Jason was the golden child—in the eyes of his parents, the school, in sports. And he was always the biggest champion of Cheryl. She was always tolerated because Jason marketed them as a package deal. Without him by her side, she’s back to being the pariah.

Source: The CW

Like Jughead analogizes in his last voiceover, Cheryl is a hurricane about to bear down on Riverdale. But as much as that works for her potential destructiveness, it also serves to elucidate her role as the center of Riverdale. Everyone this episode operates in her orbit. The Blossom family board underestimate her. Archie uses her for her parents’ connection to some top-tier music program. Polly is using her to find out if the Blossom parents had something to do with Jason’s death. Only Jason never asked anything of Cheryl—never wanted her beauty, or her crazy, or her connections. Only Jason wanted just her. And unmoored, without Jason, Cheryl is cracking in the most interior parts of her soul.

Source: The CW

In the accompanying B-plots, Veronica tries to balance the karma scales by being especially nice to Ethel Muggs. Ethel’s father, Manfred Muggs, tried to commit suicide because he invested money with Hiram Lodge and lost everything. Subsequently, the Muggs are going to testify against Hiram in court. Something that wasn’t said, but could be possible given Hiram’s far reach from prison, is that Manfred’s “suicide” attempt might have been a little…induced by Hiram’s machinations.

Betty and Alice try to bring Polly back, unaware that Polly is at Thorn Hill as a spy. Their plan is to write a scorched-earth exposé of the Blossoms—how Cliff Blossom is the one who put Hiram in jail, their treatment of Cheryl, the circling vulture movements of the family board. It comes to a halt when Hal, a human erectile dysfunction commercial, cuts Alice off from the Riverdale Register. Alice then throws a brick through the front door of the newspaper office—go Alice—and later, Jughead suggests Alice write for the high school newspaper. Madchen Amick, who plays Alice, is a great actress so her scenes are electric, but I was mostly bored with the Cooper subplot. Sorry babe.

Screen Shot 2017-04-08 at 3.59.12 PM.png

Source: The CW

The episode’s cliffhanger is the addition of a new suspect. We learned from Archie’s overhearing that Clifford Blossom put Hiram Lodge in jail, thus “shattering” his family. We’ve seen Hiram’s ability to enact his will from jail, so is it possible that he made his own revenge—shattering the Blossom family with the murder of their most prized possession?

Intrigue.

Veronica learns that trying to preserve her family legacy doesn’t always work. Betty realizes that in times of strife, people either come together or fall apart. And dear, dear Cheryl. As she sobs, scrawling over Archie and Polly’s faces in a photograph with a red Sharpie, Polly knocks at the door. Cheryl hastily wipes up her tears and spreads a smile across her full, syrupy-red lips. In a hurricane, the center is often the only part that is not seized by wild winds. But that calm center belies the most dangerous part of the storm. Beware of Cheryl. And beware, Cheryl. As she preserves her rage behind layers of clear gold maple syrup, she could be entombing herself in the process.

Source: The CW

Next week: “The Lost Weekend”

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

Everyone in this episode was wearing Ralph Lauren Polo
“Mrs. Lodge, this Quiche Lorraine is to die for!” –Kevin Kevin, setting back gays for decades to come
Kevin truly just exists at Veronica’s beck-and-call.
“Mr. Andrews, nice haircut—looking extremely DILFy today,” Cheryl Blossom, bringing the gays back from the setback Kevin caused
“That was a joke, you hobo,” Cheryl is SLAYING QUOTES this episode
I love how Archie needs to have a serious conversation with Cliff at the tailor, but can’t be bothered to put on pants to do it. No, seriously—I love it.
Val and Archie break up because…when were they ever together?
Fred showed his dark side this episode, strong-arming Hermione into twenty percent of the profit in return for his continued support. Also, they’re done. #AndrewsBoysBreakUp

LGBTQ, Review, television

REVIEW of RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE S9E2, “She Done Already Done Brought It On”

Grade: A

WHO IS THE MYSTERY QUEEN, YOU ASK? You’d have to be…cucu not to be surprised by the return of this queen.

I’ve been making “cucu” jokes ever since I saw the back of that blue Mohawk. It’s Cynthia Lee Fontaine, the CuCu Queen!!!

The editors must’ve known that we all suspected it was Cynthia because they didn’t give a second between the “Previously On” and the RuVeal of Miss Cucu. I was watching with my friend and we looked at each other. All I could say was, “Well, that was anticlimactic.”

Source: Logo TV

After everyone goes CuCu for her Coco Puffs, the kweens end back to the Werk Room. Cynthia starts by being Cynthia. “I’m in remission and I feel healthier as ever,” she says, and “I’m not gonna take that opportunity that RuPaul has given me in granted.” Whatever, Cynthia can speak two languages and I can barely speak one, so I’m being a bitch.

Lisa Kudrow pops up in a Valerie Cherish moment. She’s the reason that RuPaul opens up every door with “Hello, hello, hello!” Also the fact that a legend like Lisa Kudrow is just used as a 30-second promo and doesn’t get a seat at the judging table means that either Logo is a dumbass or Lisa was like, “I can give you thirty seconds.”

The main challenge this week is a Cheer-Off. Perhaps the most physical activity for these girls, because it’s so completely unexpected. They’ve done underwater photoshoots, trampoline photoshoots, intense dance competitions—but never…sports. Nina, as the Miss Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent, is one team captain and CuCu is the other.

Nina does something that’s either shady or nice, and that’s purposefully pick Jaymes for her team and calling Jaymes an “underdog.” While I agree that Jaymes being the last chosen would’ve probably crushed her, that’s some deep psychological shit to call someone else the underdog. Touché, Nina. So left last is Valentina.

Now, when a queen is left picked for last, and she’s not pathetic, it usually implies a victory edit. Violet Chachki was constantly picked last (that might’ve been because of her odor) but she always ended up killing it. So it’s no surprise that Valentina is picked last. She’s young, coiffed and seemingly too nice.

Team Nina sets up Jaymes versus Alexis. Alexis is so hot as a boy that I literally gaspED when I saw her bald spot. But love is blind, and so am I. Jaymes and Alexis switch roles back and forth between Snoozy and Floozy, in a classic “going home” trope. It’s almost always that the queen on the bottom chooses wrongly and pays the price. Or they completely slay. Either or. One thing that I will say, mind games aside, is that the queens really make an effort (here and on Untucked) to give Jaymes a voice. Whether or not she takes that voice is up to her, but they’re making a definite effort.

On a side note, I could listen to Cynthia say anything. Even when she says, “It’s time for rehearsal” as they step onto the gymnastics mat—it’s funny. Because everything she says is like she’s reading it off a teleprompter in a wind storm. IT’S TIME FOR REHEARSAL.

The queens are, like, actually doing gymnastics. Not just your average tumbles, bitch, but real shit. They have to do cartwheels and full, standing pyramid formations. The instructor is so hot and his name is Dom—during the commercial break, the crew has to mop up the mats.

Kimora’s over it before the activity begins—which, like, is such a pet peeve. This is season 9, you understand what this show is about. It pushes you out of your comfort zone and into weird, unprecedented situations. And if you’re not ready for that, then you’re not here to win. So when Valentina takes being picked last, takes the discomfort and runs with it, I was here for her.

Source: Logo TV

Before, her niceness was cloying, until I realized that she’s just uncrackable. And that, I think more than anything, is what the other girls realize (even on a subconscious level) and resent. She’s being nice because she has no reason not to be, and being nice isn’t a distraction for her. I also finally figured out, after seeing her glaringly smile, who Valentina reminds me of in her testimonial—Audrey Hepburn. The black turtleneck against the dainty features and the wide brows, she’s totally Audrey. (S)he really is stunning, in and out of drag.

Someone else I totally enjoyed that I didn’t think I would was Trinity. I clocked her as a dumb one-hit pageant queen, but she’s totally great TV. I know her runway wasn’t particularly well-received, but I felt like it was one of the most distinctive out of all the queens, and she really committed to the gymnastics.

As they’re getting ready, the queens do their “sob stories” which is a mean way to put it but I can’t think of another descriptor. Peppermint talks about being a cheerleader in high school, and getting physically assaulted for it. It’s an uncomfortable reality for many LGBTQ people, and something that particularly queer people in sports have to deal with a lot, but it’s great that she’s talking about it. Cynthia talks about being in remission and getting a new lease on life. It’s something that resonates particularly with Sasha, who we learned from her Carpool Karaoke has a mother who had cancer, and the moment ends with a group hug.

During the performances, Valentina shines like a star and Jaymes quickly burns out. Shea was funny and dymanic and totally pulled my eyes to her; she’s doing backflips and splits. Eureka does a fucking SPLIT and talks about how her knee popped but she kept going. I love her!

Source: Logo TV

On the runway, the theme is “White Party.” Funny—the Trump administration has that same theme!

My standouts are Charlie Hides, in a frosty, furry ice queen look; Jaymes Mansfield in a voluptuous mistress with the mink look; Valentina in an absolutely breath-taking bridal gown; and Shea Coulee in a Barbarella-robotic look with some gorgeous fluffy hair. Honorable mentions are my thicc queen Eureka in a Dynasty look and Sasha in a weird, graphic, hot lady at the art gallery look.

And completely deserved, Valentina wins. Her cheer routine was bright and energetic and memorable, and her look was a complete 10/10.

Source: Logo TV

Charlie, Jaymes and Kimora are in the bottom three, and Jaymes and Kimora are chosen to lip-sync. Now, I’ll be honest, I truly believe that Jaymes gave a better lip-sync performance (to the B-52’s “Love Shack”) because Kimora was so lackluster with her energy levels. However, looking back on it, I do understand that overall, Kimora has shown more potential than Jaymes. I just hope that Kimora proves that she deserves to be saved.

But I can’t help but feel sad. There’s a quality to Jaymes that reminds me of Marilyn Monroe: this baby-doll sadness. And Michelle was right to point out that her padding is impeccable. She really does harken back to a very specific age, without being trite or vague like other queens might. However, if there was ever a better moment in time to be the first one eliminated, it is now: the universe and popularity of RPDR are well-established, Jaymes got a sympathetic edit and two episodes to connect with the audience. If he plays his cards right, he will up his YouTube game and endear himself to the people. This doesn’t have to be the end for him.

So we say goodbye to Miss Mansfield, and we’re left with 13 queens.

See you next week for…I forget what because the promo for episode 3 was basically just a promo for Wendy Williams.

STRAY OBSERGAYTIONS

Did they give the B-52’s a single piano bench? Because they’re clustered together on the judges’ table like a bunch of Muppets.
We didn’t get to see a lot of Sasha or Nina this episode (beyond Nina being one team captain) but Sasha’s White runway look was graphic and beautiful, and Nina’s runway look was like an amped-up version of whatever Dax Exclamation-Point would’ve worn.
I’m beginning to warm to Farrah; she’s an idiot but she’s cute
Charlie Hides, in Untucked, alludes to a very real problem in the gay community: ageism. He knows that in the past, older queens are typically the first to go home and aren’t always taken seriously. But taking age out of the equation completely, Charlie Hides is incredibly formidable, and her runway look was probably my favorite. It was beautiful, played off her assets and memorable. Taking age back into the equation makes her all the more impressive.
“My cucu is just shaking right now.”

Review, television

REVIEW of RIVERDALE EP. 8, “The Outsiders”

Grade: A

After a multi-week hiatus (and a much-needed break for me) Riverdale is back and stronger from its absence. In an episode that catapults off the character introductions of the previous few episodes (something that seemed tedious in the moment), the drama is H.E.R.E.

The last few episodes dragged because they were building character backstories. We met Polly and FP and Mr. Cooper and the Blossoms (even crazy Nana). So when everyone appeared in this episode, there wasn’t the need to have a lead-up. We know these people. Things have been teed and now Riverdale is winding up to hit it out of the park.

Andrews Construction is going through a tough time. Clifton Blossom has stolen all of Fred’s crew out from under him—forcing Fred to halt breaking ground on the drive-in property. That way, Fred and the mysterious buyer (the incarcerated Mr. Hiram Lodge) will be forced to sell the property, which Clifton will promptly snap up.

And as Fred popped open another beer to sip, I watched his sad turtle face and wondered if he had voted for Trump. I believe he did, and I don’t begrudge him for it. Middle America, single father, working class. Few jobs, struggling to make ends meet for his gorgeous son—I could believe that Fred would fall for the Trump rhetoric.

Source: The CW// It’s the Gangbang Boys, ready to start drilling!!!

However, Archie and the Gangbang Boys show up to work as Fred’s crew—Archie, Juggie, Kevin (remember her?) Moose (remember him? He and Kevin almost fucked in the woods before Jason’s corpse cockblocked them—corpse-blocked?) and Random Extras 1-3. It’s never fully addressed if they should be in school, only that they’ll do work after football practice and weekends. Because that’s what back-breaking construction work should be—an afterschool hobby.

“Come on,” Hermione says, trying to convince Fred, “desperate times…” She trails off, and I have to wonder exactly what she would’ve ended that sentence with. “Desperate times…call for a disregard for child labor laws?” Where is Lewis Hine when you need him?

After a hard day at work, the boys file into that work-cabin-aluminum-can thing for some ice-cold sodas. Kevin pushes back his gelled hair away from his dirt-smudged face, looking like Lumberjack Ken—the doll that young gay boys everywhere would’ve wanted for Christmas—when Moose, looking for his phone on the lot, stumbles upon some thugs smashes a crowbar into the…electric-thingy? Unclear. They beat up Moose, and I totally thought Kevin would cradle Moose’s head in his lap and do a Spiderman-kiss, but that didn’t happen so I’ll have to find something else for my “Sad Gay Spank Bank.”

Sad Gay Spank Bank is sponsoring this post and has incredibly reasonable rates. #SponCon #Ad

Source: The CW// “Keller High Water” coming soon

In my head, the reason why Kevin has been so absent—so absent that it’s revealed that that Southside Serpent he hooked up with at the drive-in is his boyfriend now—is because he’s off filming an entirely separate show. It’s just him and Serpenty (Joaquin?) sipping phosphates at Pop’s and searching the shelves of Riverdale’s version of CVS for generic-brand douches. It’s called Keller High Water and I’m working up a spec script to pitch to the CW. But back to our regular programming.

Actually, this entire episode had a very political, us-versus-them undertone. When Chief Keller rolls his stubbly face to the scene, he really “can’t do much.” Archie points out that if this were Clifton Blossom asking for help, Keller would help. And that, Archiekins, is the premise of the “haves” and the “have-nots.”

While the Gangbang Boys—Archie, Moose, Kevin and KEVIN’S BOYFRIEND—go to a Southside Serpent bar, for…reasons (?), Betty, Veronica and Juggie throw Polly a “You’re a Teenager but We Have No Concept of Age-Appropriate Behavior” baby shower.

While there, before Cheryl BURSTS in with a black Gothic pram, Polly asks Betty to be the baby’s godmother.

Source: The CW// Tag yourself, I’m Nana

“Me?” asks round-eyed Betty. “Yes,” answers Polly. “If anything happens to me, I want you to raise the baby.” I’m unclear about the legality of “godparent” in general, since my godmother only sent me the occasional birthday card and I was the altar boy in her wedding, but how binding is this proclamation? Especially when both people involved are not even 18?

Archie and the Gangbang Boys stomp into the bar—and side bar, Archie really knows how to wear a pair of jeans. Like those are definitely an athletic cut, and his muscular thighs are filling those things To. The. Brim—to ostensibly look for the thugs who beat up Moose. Because they’re stereotyping (political commentary) and assume the Southside Serpents are evil. Archie gets into a fight with a guy in a beanie (dark) and as it gets physical, Beanie says, in a brief moment, that Archie isn’t the first little prep to come in here causing trouble.

*gasp*

Jason? Rememer when Jason was dealing drugs—yeah that was for the Serpents. So it seems like FP has a motive for burning up Jason’s car; no trace, no conviction.

The boyz find out that Juggie’s dad is a Serpent—which, duh—total drama. Archie bursts into Polly’s shower to reveal Jughead as a lil baby ssssnake. This isn’t even the most dramatic thing about the shower. Polly screaming at Mrs. Blossom and her mother is the most dramatic thing, followed closely by the creepy-as-fuck rocking horse that Madame Blossom gifts to Polly. Fuck.

After a terse resolution, Polly reveals to her mother and Betty that Mr. Cooper tried to convince Polly to get an abortion. Alice is horrified and shocked—and this is a woman who claimed that she was pissed she didn’t murder Jason Blossom—and eventually throws her husband out for it. But the rift between the parents Cooper pushes Polly into the cold, creepy embrace of the Thorn Hill Blossoms. And as the grand mahogany door closes, you can see the white skullish face of Mrs. Blossom in the crack.

Source: The CW

The episode seemed largely stand-alone, but that’s because you didn’t let me finish, hunhy. In back-to-back scenes, we get a whiff of some nefarious action from darksided DILF FP Jones. He gives Kevin’s twunk boyfriend the task of hiding Jason’s jacket, when we find out that FP is the one behind Kevin’s burgeoning new relationship—entirely to get to Chief Keller. Poor Kev. He really has had a rough go of it. Then FP offers himself and his dudes as Fred’s crew. Uh-oh.

Now what Riverdale has to do is begin to tie together the threads they’ve laid out. This will be a 13-episode season, so we’re well past the halfway mark. What sort of security does Jason’s jacket provide FP? What did Alice mean when she said she was “capable” of things? Who told Hiram Lodge about Hermione and Fred, and is that really why he sent thugs to the site? Why does Betty keep wearing blue? Does Jughead have a bald spot from wearing that beanie? Did he get his beanie from Beanie Guy?

Next week: La Grande Illusion

STRAY MOMENTS:

Is it winter in Riverdale? Is there a reason that we are being punished with no Shirtless Archie?
Polly went from being, like, 8 months to 3 months. Seriously, she was so pregnant at the asylum.
“Nana has dementia…and gypsy blood.”
“Do you think you can waltz in here with a bedbug-infested rocking horse, wave a blank check around, and steal my daughter?”
Cooper tried to get Polly to have an abortion
- A WOMAN’S CHOICE (SOCIAL COMMENTARY)
Archie would be SUCH a DILF—I can’t handle it omg

LGBTQ, Review, television

REVIEW of RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE S9E1, THE QUEENS ARRIVE

Source: LogoTV via Mic.com

Grade: A (Starting out sweet).

As an annoying white gay who’s never done drag in his life, I’m clearly a reliable source and critic of drag. So with that solid background in mind, let’s get into the premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race season 9!

I was going to do a (Ru)cap of RPDR earlier but Logo for some reason (or now VH1?) hasn’t put up the FIRST EPISODE. I watched it on TV (what a wealthy sentence) but usually when I do a recap, I’ll watch it once through with some light notetaking and then rewatch it with a better understanding/comedy writing/nuanced approach. But now we’re just gonna wing it™ (no hate to chickens).

If you’re a gay with access to Reddit (Ru-ddit?), you’ve already seen the first twenty minutes of the premiere. It has a special club premiere, but everyone has iPhones and the footage was uploaded to the Internet faster than Alyssa Edwards can drop into a full, crotch-grazing split. And that’s fast. So I’d already seen half of the first episode by the time that it actually aired, and I’m very interested.

First off the past, I get the sense that these are highly polished, highly colorful queens—which is good. Season 7 was very polished and the winner was Violet Chachki. Season 8 was more “campy” and really, I felt, left a lot to be desired. Bob the Drag Queen won that season, even though where is she now? I feel like she was smothered to death by Naomi Smalls’ lips.

But let’s go through the kweens as they come into the werk room (watching Drag Race is actively making me a worse speller). C’est la vie!

The first queen we are introduced to is a horrifying wax replica of RuPaul! I’ll have nightmares about this for days! Seriously though, not to grag (gay + brag) but I’ve seen the wax figure of RuPaul in the actual Madame Tussauds museum. this was before I understood what drag was, so I literally thought she was just a beautiful blonde caramel woman. Which, truthfully, is not that far off from what I think of RuPaul now.

1). Peppermint:

The first openly transgender woman to enter the Werk Room. Other trans women have come out during or after the contest, but Pep is the first one to enter as openly trans. So yes! And yes to a satin, blue 90’s theme robe.

2). Valentina:

STUNNING. Physically one of the most beautiful queens I’ve ever seen. I love the subtle details of her outfit, the sheer gloves studded with rhinestones, and the fabulous red color. I do worry that she’ll coast on fashion (a la Fame) so I’m eager to see her hidden depths. And her hidden talents. A-YOO (spoiler).

3). Eureka O’Hara:

I truly don’t know what it is, but I was attracted to Eureka from the first moment I saw her. I love her confidence, her cinching, and her fast wit. I don’t love that she was being semi-catty to every girl, but they’re fucking drag queens, so I need to shut the hell up. Hoping that Eureka has more up her sleeve than a catty remark. Serving pure catfish!

4). Charlie Hides:

Old as sin. Has been called by Cher as her favorite impersonator (Chad Michaels will kill herself). Very funny. Very sharp.

5). Farrah Moan:

One of the best drag names I’ve ever heard, which is all the more surprising because I think that Farrah is a literal fucking idiot. I wasn’t a huge fan of her look (I would’ve liked more of a cinch) but she’s stunning. Literally stunning.

6). Sasha Velour:

Crazy, weird, out of the box. Serving Where the Wild Things Are realness. She knows who she is, what she does, and where she wants to go. I’ve seen a little bit of her social media—so I know she can do glamour and performance. A complete frontrunner for me.

7). Alexis Michelle:

What Trixie and Katya would call a Witness Protection Program name. I wasn’t a huge fan of her padding—she padded on a FUPA, but she’s hot as a guy and a Broadway actress. She’ll be good, but cut the contacts.

8). Shea Coulee:

Will win, probably. Her outfit was loud and fashion and banjee (“Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget”). Chicago queens are notoriously strong, and Shea doesn’t disappoint. Apparently she makes her own corsets too.

9). Trinity Taylor:

The Body. On the surface she seems basic, but she’s definitely got great potential, and I kind of dig her plastic surgery look.

10). Kimora Blac:

The REAL Body. I hate a constant breast plate on a queen, but the more I see it on Kimora, the more it grows on me. But that might just be the fungus. Also Kimora said that she’s never had plastic surgery, and I’d like to announce that I’ve never had a sip of alcohol or watched TV. We can all tell lies, hunny.

11). Jaymes Mansfield:

Similar to Trixie on her season, she paints on a bigger personality than she actually has. She introduced herself via puppet (same). I want her to do well, but I think she’ll crumble under the pressure. “There are my summer diamonds—some are diamonds, and some are not.”

12). Nina Bo’Nina Brown:

AMAZING. Completely transforms. Possibly the best make-up I’ve ever seen. Walked in as a mouse, transformed into a full PEACH. The only drawbacks I can find are her own confidence (or lack thereof) and the amount of time that she puts into her looks might be a hindrance.

13). Aja:

VERY cool look, but I’m not as entranced as some other Tumblr gays. Sasha says she’s the number one name in Brooklyn, and I trust Sasha with my life. She’s a killer dancer, with hidden energy, so I hope to be surprised. Also she seems like a fucking sweetheart, so I’m an asshole.

14). LADY GAGA:

We knew that Lady Gaga would be appearing on the season, but the fact that they HAD HER WALK IN, PRETENDING TO BE A LADY GAGA IMPERSONATOR made me literally GAG. Probably the funniest thing RPDR has ever done.

*****

The queens kiki with Gaga, we find out the first challenge: the Miss Charisma-Uniqueness-Nerve-and-Talent competition. The queens must do two looks—a frock inspired by their hometowns, and a Lady Gaga look.

None of the queens are terrible, except for Jaymes. She wore cow print (#MagnoliaCrawfordRIP).

I loved Farrah’s Las Vega look, even though it was much more Anna Karenina (Anna KaRuNina?) than Showgirl. Both of Valentina’s looks were incredible—from the mariachi look to the Lady Gaga look, truly flawless. Apparently the queens walk the runway for each look twice, and some tea I learned is that Charlie Hides MESSED UP HER REVEAL (RuVeal) BOTH TIMES.

The top three are Eureka, Sasha and Nina. Nina wins and just as Ru announces that, she also pulls a twist. We learned early on in the episode that no queens would be eliminated in the first episode. But Ru had something up his chartreuse sleeve, and RuVeals that an eliminated queen from a previous season would be coming back as the fourteenth queen of season 9!

Who (Cynthia Lee Fontaine) could it (CuCu) be?

I wonder!!!

It’s Cynthia. Definitely Cynthia.

Anyway, there wasn’t a ton of drama because I knew the twist, and there was no elimination. But I’m thrilled that A) we’ll have a nice, long season with 14 queens and B) that all the queens seem to be of such high caliber.

My top three projections (pRujections) are Shea Coulee, Sasha Velour and Eureka (dark horse).

Next week: Lisa Kudrow!!

pop culture, Review, television, Thinkpiece

“PARIS”—KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS

On March 19, Keeping Up with the Kardashians aired the episode centered around the Oct. 3 Paris robbery and assault of Kim Kardashian. The episode, titled “Paris,” was cut together clips of the Wests’ personal videographer, KUWTK film crew and camerawork done by Kim’s assistant Stephanie Sheppard. The result was 42 minutes (no commercials) of the most powerful reality television I have ever seen.

The episode was so effective because it was drastically different from how the Kardashians usually portray themselves. The blurry, ‘80s-style videography from Kanye’s personal archives is not typically (or ever) utilized in a KUWTK episode. Everyone holding a camera is a friend, rather than a crew member, meaning that Kim is much more open. That closeness between friends, Kim interacting with the camera, translates to the episode feeling much more dynamic and intimate.

The show also made the smart decision of not beginning the season with the Paris incident. In the episode-and-a-half period before the robbery, the show intentionally showcased more of Kim’s personality. She has often remarked that the show portrays her as dumber than she actually is, so this portrayal feels more authentic. We see her smiling, nosing around Khloe’s new relationship, thumbing through racks of clothing, laughing about her bodyguard tackling the butt-grabbing prankster to the ground. So when Kim finally gets robbed, and as the story gets retold through Kim and the people around her, we have become so attached to the bright, funny, sharp side of Kim that the robbery burns even brighter in comparison.

The Kardashians have built their careers on documenting their lives, but as they’ve gotten bigger, they’ve gotten better at hiding their true feelings. They say less, and everything they show is very edited. “Paris” is so raw and real and sad, that it’s antithetical to everything else they’ve ever shown.

Some people will criticize her for showing the robbery aftermath in the same way that people criticized her for documenting her life, claiming that she was the reason she got robbed. The common critique of “She flaunted her wealth” permeated every news title, the beginning of every argument. But in the same way that “she flaunted her body” is not a valid excuse for rape, flaunting anything should not be reason for inviting assault.

The gut reaction to victim-blame stems from this hatred of Kim Kardashian for being confident in her womanhood, particularly in her sexuality. Ask anyone who dislikes Kim, and it all begins with, “She’s famous for a sex tape!” As if she released it herself; as if she promoted it; as if Ray J is the most famous man in the world even though, through that logic, it should’ve promoted his career as well. A sex tape in 2007 does account for being arguably one of the most famous people in the world in 2017.

It’s the fact that Kim refused to be shamed or cowed by her sex tape. She didn’t let it define her. We as a society have such a visceral reaction to the notion of a woman not being shamed into the restrictive box set aside for female sexuality. And I truly believe that Kim refusing to be adhere to social norms led to resentment, and that resentment led to hate, and that hate led to victim-blaming.

Even though the sex tape wasn’t mentioned, it hung over the entire retelling. Because Kim is both a celebrity and a woman, the seriousness of the robbery becomes intersected with the threat of sexual assault. When the robbers came into her room, she was naked but for a robe. She detailed one robber pulling her down to the edge of the bed towards him by her legs.

“He pulled me toward him at the front of the bed and I thought, ‘OK, this is the moment they’re going to rape me,’” she said. “I fully mentally prepped myself—and then he didn’t.”

If this had been a male celebrity, I doubt that we would say that he was responsible for his assault. The notion of “asking for it” is so deeply associated with the feminine—blaming victims of rape for their assault by asking what they were wearing, how much they were drinking, who they were talking to—that anything done to a woman, especially a woman so closely linked with her sexuality, leads to victim-blaming. Because we see her “asking for it” in one sphere, and we transpose that onto another.

The Paris robbery has always turned into blaming Kim; blaming her robbery on her flaunting her wealth and life on Snapchat. But it needs to turn into a conversation on how we view women. How we shame and condemn women for owning their womanness; how we get angry about it. How we think, maybe in the darkest recesses of our inhumanity, that she had this coming.

Kim Kardashian did not have this coming. No amount of flaunting ever necessitates robbery or assault. She did nothing to deserve this. And as painful as I’m sure this reliving was for Kim, it was valuable. This is a woman who has an unparalleled platform and access. And instead of shying away from it, she used it for the broader good. She’s (hopefully) changing the way we talk about survivors of assault. Not with victim-blaming but with empathy and understanding.

“I took a tragic, horrific experience and did not let it diminish me,” said Kim on Twitter after the episode had aired. “Rather grew and evolved and allowed the experience to teach me.”

Source: Twitter.com/KimKardashian

Review, television

REVIEW of RIVERDALE EP. 7, “In a Lonely Place”

Grade: C+/B- (Because it’s getting better)

This episode was titled, “In a Lonely Place”, but it could’ve easily been an homage to The Searchers. Everyone is drifting restlessly—the Cooper & Co search brigade looking for Polly, Jughead going from the drive-in to the high school to his home to Archie’s, Veronica torn between dueling familial loyalties, and Polly, hiding in the Cooper attic because no one thought to look right under their noses. Even The Blossom family, who show up to the Find Preggo Polly Forest Walk with Ramsay Bolton’s hunting hounds (chic), are somersaulting between cartoonishly evil and mournful.

For the past few episodes, I’ve been sorely disappointed in Riverdale. All the drama and progressiveness that they promised (and delivered) in the beginning have dusted over and I’ve been lagging in enthusiasm for the last few weeks. But this episode I realized the overall structure. The first episodes were the first foot dropping—the loud clang of Jason Blossom’s murder, the salacious affair of Archie and Ms. Grundy. But these last few weeks have been dredging up an undeniable dread as we wait for the other foot to drop. If that first foot jolts you out of hazy slumber, then this is the heavy pause as we wait to find out if it’s just the creaking of the wooden floorboards, or if someone unwanted is just on the other side of the door.

And judging from the person watching from the bushes, there is.

In a welcome change of pace, we’re shifting our focus this week from tyrannical moms—your Mayor McCoys, your Alice Coopers—to hot, deadbeat dads. We were introduced to Fred Andrews a while back—“you gotta choose between music and football!”—and now we’re getting acquainted with Juggie’s adorable, alcoholic father, FP Jones.

Source: The CW

As Jughead intones in his voiceover about the concept of home—he’s currently sleeping Harry Potter-style in a Riverdale High closet, we are treated to a 1950s dark-thriller version of Riverdale. The characters are in their classic comic couture, except Archie has a massive steak-knife in his back. And given what’s later revealed, that knife might’ve landed in the wrong person. Jughead’s secret was apparently well-hidden until Archie, sweaty but NOT shirtless, found Jughead brushing his teeth in the boys’ locker room. That catapults the main drama of the episode—getting FP a second chance at Andrews Construction and letting us know the scraggly, sexy Southside Serpent a little better.

I feel like we’re losing touch with Archie, and that makes me sad. The writers have a hard time balancing characters, because the people I was most interested in, Archie and Kevin, have faded to the background (Kevin completely) when other characters are brought forward and fleshed out. Archie is stagnant in character development—he’s largely reactionary—while we’re getting deeper into Veronica’s vulnerabilities and loyalty to her father, and Jughead’s family life, and Betty’s steel core about her sister. Kevin has disappeared completely—possibly he has been stabbed to death by the Southside Serpent he made out with—when it’s easily possible for him to be tagging along with the gang solving this murder. Has he been busy with Calculus?

Source: The CW

But the Prodigal Gay returns in the only way Riverdale seems aware of how to deal with him—as a prop. In retaliation for Hermione forging Veronica’s signature on the paperwork to give the drive-in lot to Andrews Construction, Veronica goes full Cady Heron-house party. She gets her best black friend, the TRAGICALLY UNDERUTILIZED Josie McCoy, and a hot meathead, Reggie Butler, and the town gay, Kevin, to go out with her to—I’m assuming—a teen club to make her mom jealous. Using minorities for plot progression obviously works, because in the end, the Lodge household is hunky-dory.

But that’s (maybe?) the B-plot. Honestly, there are so many different threads it’s impossible to keep track. But in dueling lowercase a-plots, the boyz are trying to get their fathers back together, while Betty and Cheryl figure out what to do with Preggo Polly and J.J.’s baby. Just kid stuff. After Preggo Polly Hulk-Smashed her way out of a two-story asylum room, her family was understandably concerned. Did she land on her feet, the ground beneath her cracked at the impact? Did she rise up, flipping her gossamer blonde hair out of her face, readjust her headband, and waddle away like the Marvel superhero she is? Because that’s the only way Polly wouldn’t have had her legs shattered from the impact of being a heavily-pregnant teenager dropping twenty feet in the air.

Source: The CW

Cheryl is down to help with the baby because she’s Cersei-obsessed with Jason, but realizes too late that her parents have more sinister machinations at hand with the Coopers. So the girls decide that Polly can’t be out in the open, so they ship her to the Pembrooke with the Lodges.

Archie and Jughead get their fathers together where it comes to light that Andrews Construction was co-founded by both men until Fred bought FP out of the business while the latter was in jail. The action was taken to protect the business and the Andrews family but, as Archie points out, unhooking yourself from a drowning man doesn’t mean that all the innocent (i.e. Jughead) get saved.

And as The Tragedy of Jughead continues, Chief Keller unfairly and stereotypically attempts to pin the murder on Jughead. He and Betty both had prints at the car, but since Jughead is a latchkey kid, Keller pulled his file to find out that, AS A TEN-YEAR-OLD, Juggie was playing with matches and almost burned the school down. That, alongside Jughead’s bad grades, record of being bullied and unfortunate first name, means that he is the only one to be able to commit Jason’s murder. Because when in doubt, blame a victim.

Source: The CW

This is ludicrous, of course, but this is coming from a man who had a laissez-faire attitude towards his son cruising for dick in the woods and let himself be bullied around by Penelope Blossom. It goes without saying that Chief Keller, like all the adults in Riverdale, is incompetent and just plain bad at his job. Without siding too much with a child rapist, it almost makes sense why Ms. Grundy dated a kid—all the adults are committing fraud, or adultery, or just plain bad decisions.

And in the last few scenes, we’re treated to concrete reasons as to why the dads on this show are as bad as the moms. While Chief Keller is busy victim-blaming innocent teenagers, Fred Andrews is manipulating timecards to provide Jughead with a false alibi and FP, that sexy serpent, is drunkenly lumbering around his (I’m assuming) trailer.

He stumbles, beer in hand, across a room littered with old bottles and unwashed plates piled high in the sink. The camera slowly pans over broken sofas and clothes strewn across the floor to an open wardrobe. And there, nestled between old Ed Hardy t-shirts and ragged flannel, is a pristine, royal-blue letterman jacket. It smells faintly of gasoline, smoke and sweat. And embroidered cleanly on the breast in golden-yellow thread is a name.

Source: The CW

Jason.

So we might’ve found the person watching from the bushes. And with one question answered, a host of new ones crop up. How? When? And Why?

*****

Next week: “The Outsiders”

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

Did anyone else notice the weirdly-inappropriate background music?
#ShagginWagon
“My mom sat me down on the edge of my canopy bed…”
ARCHIE: “Hey Mr. Southside Serpent, what did you mean when you said my dad owed you? You have a rage problem and got fired for stealing, but can I ask you this inflammatory question?”
Fred Andrews looks like a sad, sexy turtle
This interaction: CHIEF KELLER: You’ve been bullied a lot. JUGHEAD: Yeah, my name is Jughead.

Review, television

REVIEW of RIVERDALE EP. 6, “Faster, Pussycats! Kill! Kill!”

Veronica Ex Machina

Grade: D

Finding Polly has been the buildup of the last few episodes. First we learn that she went “crazy.” Then we learn that she’s been locked away. Then we learn that she and Jason were engaged. She seems, at least to the Sleuthsters, to be the key to this puzzle surrounding Jason’s murder.

Yeah, no.

Everything about this episode felt just a little bit wonky. The acting was wrong, the buildups were wrong, the climaxes were anti. And I understand, this is a new show and this was a major moment, but I left this episode feeling more disappointed than satisfied, and that’s even with someone burning up a crime-scene car. How lit.

Jughead’s voiceover plays with “fear.” The fear from your past, the fear in your head, the fear coiling itself tightly around your “guts.” Archie’s fear is performing his music. Other people’s fear is that there is a murderer on the loose, but Archie is afraid his voice will crack.

Source: CW

It’s Variety Show time at Riverdale High and guess who’s the emcee! Everyone’s favorite gay plaything—Kevin Keller! For someone who seemed like a big character in the first episode, Kevin has been shoved quickly into the far reaches of the broom closet.

Archie is struggling because he’s just so good at football but music, music means more to him. So he decides to Yoko Ono Josie and the Pussycats and steal Val away to form a duo. Val does it because she has no agency and because this is Archie’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Source: CW

In her role as simultaneously awesome and a pushover, Veronica had offered to sing with Archie because she’s a good person and can sing. He accepted but as soon as Val quit the Pussycats, he Tonya Harding-ed him and Veronica and stuck with Val. Nice, you asshole. In “retribution,” Veronica fills Val’s spot in the Pussycats, fulfilling the guidelines Mayor McCoy laid out for her daughter: “skinny, pretty—but not as skinny or pretty as you. And a woman of color.” So, yay (?) for female empowerment?

Speaking of which—I’M TIRED OF THE MOTHERS OF RIVERDALE GIVING THEIR DAUGHTERS COMPLEXES. Hermione is doing shady dealings with the Southside Serpents and making out with Fred Andrews (oh yeah, that happens this episode). Archie’s mom bailed. Mayor McCoy is doing backdoor deals. And ALICE COOPER LOCKED HER DAUGHTER AWAY. Please, you guys need to watch Bravo’s There Goes the Motherhood. It’ll be very educational for you.

So while everyone in Riverdale is being terrible, Juggie and Betty head to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy—basically that lobotomy asylum from Sucker Punch—to visit Polly. She’s in the garden.

SPOILER ALERT. SPOILER AHEAD.

…

Polly is pregnant. I mean, if you didn’t guess that that’s what was happening, you’re not paying attention. She’s pregnant with Jason’s baby, doesn’t realize he’s dead, and is just a lil bit crazy. But, hunny, aren’t we all?

Source: CW

(No).

Polly thinks that she and Jason—two sixteen-year-olds—could run away from their parents, have a baby and start a new life together. She is literally bonkers. Hun. Hang with the nuns, hun.

Of course, Alice Cooper finds her daughters together and (albeit crying) lets them drag Polly away back to the loony bin. Back at the Coop, Betty accuses her dad of murdering Jason (#maplemurdermotive) and Alice startS. CACKLING. She says that her husband doesn’t have the guts to kill anyone (which, in any other world, would be a compliment) and she wishes that they had killed Jason. So scratch those freaks off the list.

Archie and Val decide that Val needs to go back to the Pussycats—Archie sings alone, it’s a passable 8/10 but he’s hot so it’s a 9/10.

And now for the real thing that grinds my gears. Back in the pre-season, Cole Sprouse said that he wanted Jughead to be asexual, which I was like, “Wow, how woke.” I don’t know if there’s been an asexual main character on TV before. This was also before I realized that Kevin Keller/Casey Cott was problematic and I was so on board with the queerness of Riverdale. EXCEPT JUGGIE AND BETTY MAKE OUT. So much for asexuality, you asshole.

Following a tip from Preggo Polly (sister of Petty Betty), the Sleuthsters travel deep into the woods to find Jason’s getaway car—packed with drugs. What was she planning, amiright? They leave to get Chief Keller, but not before the camera pans to someone watching them from the bushes. THE ONLY GOOD PART. And when they return with the chief, the car is engulfed in flames. Kind of a great metaphor for this episode.

In the beginning of the episode, Veronica calls herself “Veronica Ex Machina.” The phrase comes from deus ex machina, a plot device used in plays that neatly resolves seemingly unresolvable conflicts right at the end. Veronica indeed operated as such: she was the connection between all the various plots going on this episode, and she “saved” the day with the Pussycats. But ironically this episode was completely deus ex machina-ed. Nothing felt resolved and yet, superficially, it was. And at the last, literally last, moments, you get drama to hook you into the next episode.

Source: CW

Someone is watching. The burning car. And Preggo Polly hulk-smashed her way out of a two-story window somehow. What the fuck—this girl needs to be locked up.

Overall, I was left wanting more. The juicy, salacious thriller of the first few episode has dulled into bit of a plodding mess, but I love the show and I want the best for it. Hon! Give me what I need!

NEXT WEEK: “In A Lonely Place”

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

NO SHIRTLESS ARCHIE.
Kevin is the Variety Show Host, because let’s just give the gay any drama work, right?
- GIVE KEVIN A ROLE
Wait, hold up—is the third pussycat named Mal
Archie is boring when he’s not fucking a teacher—is that so dark that I just said that?
The song that Archie and Val were singing when Veronica walked in on them was…bad
Ginger Judas is my new fragrance
Are we gonna gloss over the fact that Polly Cooper is maybe 17 at best?
Josie’s a little heavy on the autotune.
Can I just say? It was a little anticlimactic to meet Polly
WHAT DID YOU THINK JOSIE STOOD FOR, ARCHIE?
- #JosephineBaker
Small note; if you locked your daughter in an asylum I feel like you wouldn’t call her “crazy.” You would use the actual terms, hunny.
OH so now Fred Andrews is chill about Archie’s music? Cuz the first few episodes you wanted to lock Archie Polly-style in a locker room
Veronica’s eyebrows are slightly wonky and it bugs me out
“I was born alone, I’ll die alone, I’ll sing alone” I need you to take a step back
Josie sad-voguing is me always
I CAN’T with Reggie and the football players catcalling Archie
- A) The wolf masks
- B) Hunny, you’re at the variety show auditions and the variety show—maybe you should stick to football, or go watch some VH1
So weird that Archie, played by a Kiwi, sang his song The SAME DAY that another Kiwi, Lorde, released hers.
So the football players stop heckling Archie because his song was beautiful? How gay is that?

Source: CW

Review, television

REVIEW of RIVERDALE EP. 4, “The Last Picture Show”

Grade: B (good, but filler)

The town of Riverdale unfolds with every episode, the corners of the map stretching farther and farther, wider and wider. This is the first week where the drama took place almost entirely outside of the high school, and just that shifted the entire tone. In a lot of ways, the episode was just like the drive-in movie, the last one before the theater shuts down. You’re watching the drama, and even when the tension gets racheted up, you feel largely cossetted and safe. You know that what you’re watching won’t leave the screen, but you can’t shake the feeling of melancholy with the knowledge that as every second slips by, the movie is getting closer and closer to the end.

Side bar: The tone of each episode oscillates wildly. So while I enjoyed this episode, it was a total filler episode after last week’s LITERAL INSANITY. #StickyMaple

Rewatching last week’s promo for this episode, the CW definitely fucks with your head. They made it seem like Grundy was a psycho-killer, who killed the real Geraldine Grundy and took on her life like a snake slithering back into a dry, papery shedded husk. But tonight the drama was minimal—especially compared to episode three, the fourth episode was decidedly placid. The tension was eerie and achey. Within the span of hours, multiple main characters found out about the relationship between Archie and Ms. Grundy.

At the end of last episode, Dilton Doiley told Jughead and Betty that he had spotted Ms. Grundy’s car on the banks of Sweetwater River the day Jason Blossom was supposedly killed (we know now that Jason died almost a week later). Betty knows that Archie was also at the river’s edge that day, and quickly puts together the obvious. I mean, she didn’t witness the two idiots making out in band room like Jughead did, but she’s not dim.

Source: CW

But once Betty knows, the entire cast of characters glossed over the whole “statutory rape” aspect of Ms. Grundy and Archie’s relationship real quick, if you ask me. Like, I don’t mean to cause drama, but if it had been Mr. Grundy and Archina, I’m betting Grundy would be hogtied in someone’s car trunk by this point. But that’s just my opinion.

Because Archie is actually maybe an idiot, Betty takes it upon herself to dig into Ms. Grundy’s past. She finds that there is no trace of her from beyond a year ago—the only Geraldine Grundy she found was an elderly woman who had died previously. SpOoKy. And using journalism as a cover for a probing investigation—jorunalism is really given a bad rep in this show, no thanks to the fucking Cooper family—Betty discovers something quite…interesting.

Jason Blossom was a private student of Ms. Grundy’s last year. That Jason Blossom.

Source: CW

The episode strengthened the tacit parallels between Archie and Jason, something I no longer think is coincidence. It happens first when Grundy drops the knowledge that Jason was a past student of hers, the overarching question of, “What kind of relationship was it?” And later, Betty and Mrs. Cooper are at odds in Betty’s bubblegum-fantasy room when Betty makes her mother say her name.

“Elizabeth Cooper,” says Mrs. Cooper, in the only real emotion I’ve seen on her face.

“Not Polly Cooper. And Archie is not Jason.” But the parallelisms are already in place: the world sees these two redheaded boys (one decidedly brawnier and hotter than the other: spoiler, it’s not the one in white kid gloves) as mirrors of each other.

I always begin every episode thinking Betty is so cool and fun, and end every episode thinking she should be committed. This episode was the rare exception, but I’m not holding my breath. Whether she’s breaking into Ms. Grundy’s car and finding her real ID (Jennifer Gibson) AND A GUN or trying to get Archie to see that Grundy is, like, definitely a child predator, Betty was MVP this episode.

An example of this would be this small exchange when Betty is trying to convince Archie to open his eyes. She has found the gun and the real ID.

BETTY: You didn’t ask anything about her name? Where she had been before this? Why not?

ARCHIE (in his head): Um she’s a teacher sleeping with a student; kind of assumed it was obvious she’s a creep.

ARCHIE (out loud): She’s not doing anything wrong.

In the B-plot, essentially every parent in Riverdale is the absolute worst. Veronica, shoved to the backseat this episode, witnesses her mother do some shady dealings with Riverdale’s local gang—the South Side Serpents. Just a comment, but even the gangs in this town sound like something out of West Side Story.

Hermione Lodge tries to convince her daughter that everything is fine, but after a shady dealing with the mayor—Josie’s mom—we learn that from jail, Mr. Lodge has been paying the South Side Serpents to terrorize the drive-in theater, depreciate its value, and then snap it up for real estate development. Remember this—I can’t even do math without a calculator.

Side bar: When someone says “When have I ever lied to you” when assuring someone they’re telling the truth, you can almost be certain that they are lying to you right now, and probably every other moment of your life.

Source: CW

In fact, all the parents are the worst tonight. The Serpent who was threatening Hermione is Jughead’s dad. Josie’s mom is engaged in backdoor deals. Alice Cooper finds Grundy’s gun hidden in Betty’s room and characterizes it as “just for starters” as wrong. JUST FOR STARTERS. And my favorite (sarcasm) gay (only gay) on the show—Kevin Keller—finally gets a storyline (making out with a gang member). And guess what, it’s about dudes. Kevin asks for the truck and his dad, Chief Keller, is like “please no more cruising.” If my dad had found me cruising guys in the woods and later I asked for the truck, he would be like, “What truck” because we don’t own a truck. But then he would break my legs. Who are these parents?!

Finally, Alice Cooper tells Archie’s dad that Grundy is sleeping with his son. They go to the school—WHERE ARCHIE HAS JUST GIVEN GRUNDY A GIFT—and confront her. Alice says the magic words, “Child predator”—the ones that no one has thought to say before this—and is just about to ruin both Grundy and Archie when Betty steps in.

Side bar: What is with the victim-blaming on Riverdale? First Grundy says that if they come clean, Archie will get expelled? And now Mrs. Cooper is blaming Archie for sleeping with a predator? Guys, let’s have some chill.

Betty threatens that she’s pretend she made the whole thing up and confirm everyone’s worst fears—that Betty is crazy like Polly, and Alice drove her to it. thankfully, the small part of Alice Cooper that is still human recognizes her daughter’s resolve, and settles for just driving Grundy out of town.

Source: CW

BETTY ROCKS.

This episode was largely a stand-alone—it hardly dealt with the murder. But to keep the thread strong, the last scenes of the episode are the Kellers’ arriving back home from the movie to a door slightly ajar. Papa Keller’s murder collage for Jason Blossom has been ripped down, and the mystery of Jason’s killer continues. Overall this episode was a yaas.

NEXT WEEK: The funeral of Jason Blossom, redhead at large.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

Archie wasn’t shirtless at all. And we had to see him crying. Double boner killer.
Presented without comment: Jellybean Jones.
Not thinking ahead is kind of what fucks over every statutory rapist in the end—when it comes down to the brass tacks. Also the whole “fucking an underage kid” thing. Who am I to judge? Love is love. Except when it’s, you know, not.
This time I’m on Betty’s side. “I’ll prove that crazy runs in the family.” UM HENNY U ALREADY DID THAT LAST WEEK.
Kevin makes eye contact with a gay snake, AND a homosexual South Side Serpent (self-five).
ARE. A. CHILD. PREDATOR. JENNIFER. And stop wearing those Lolita heart-sunglasses, dick.
Mrs Cooper says CHILD PREDATOR: but then she’s a freak about Archie. For one second I was on your side, Alice!!! Fuckk
I thought that either the SSS was stabbing Kevin or fucking him, and I can’t decide which I would rather see less. Of course, the serpent’s name is Joaquin, because why not.
Jughead is homeless!!!!

Source: CW