Holidannys

FINALE FRIDAY: CHRISTMAS

It’s here! It’s here! Christmas is here. And as happy as we all are, I know that we’re all desperately sad that Holidannys 2015™ has come to an end. I know that you’ll miss me posting every day, but take heart in knowing that, like, I’m not dying and you need to back off and not be so smothering. God.

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This Holidannys has really tested my strength, my beauty, my resolve, and my blog-writing abilities. Obviously I did amazingly, but I’m glad that it’s completed. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled blog posts.

However, there are going to be a few changes. Or at least one that I can think of; I think I’ll continue doing Celebrity Sundays. They’re fun as fuck to write, and don’t really require a lot of additional willpower. So, if it’s okay with you guys—just joking, you have no opinion in the matter—I’ll up the number of posts to three times a week. For right now, I’ll still do my Monday and Thursday posts, but if I decide that I hate writing posts Sunday and Monday, then I might #ShakeItUp.

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Me accepting your praise for finishing Holidannys.

But moving away from the boring logistical stuff. CHRISTMAS IS HERE. As I’m typing this, I’m sitting in my Christmas pajamas, listening to slightly oppressive Christmas choir music with a mug of tea and an already-consumed gingerbread man.

I hope that everyone—regardless of if you celebrate the holiday or not—have a nice day today. Even though it’s kind of hot today, it’s still Christmas and I’ll still be dressing like it’s cold because I have a very specific #holigay outfit planned and I have no time for adjusting for global warming.

I hope that if you hate the holidays, this regular Friday is cool and fun and nice. And if you love the holidays, then congrats—this is your Olympics. And if your family doesn’t “get” you this holiday season, know that I get you. We’re two peas in a pod, but maybe two pods? Idk, one pod just seems very cramped. No, it’s not because you smell. Why would you say that? I mean, now that you brought it up…

I want to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my friends—home friends, study abroad friends, college friends—and my family—extended family, my sisters and parents, my secret Canadian mistress and our kids—and to you guys, my fans. No, no, no—don’t say anything. You’re my fans. Let me have this holiday fantasy.

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I’ll be sad to see Holidannys go, but she was a fun ole bitch and I know that I haven’t seen the last of her. She’ll rise from her grave like the Ghost of Christmas Past and I’m Scrooge but young and hot. So, from Holidannys and I, have a nice Christmas and see you next year!

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!

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Holidannys

SEASONAL SATURDAYS: TOP TEN THINGS I’VE DONE TO GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT

Number One: sacrifice a pure-white goat on a mahogany altar to the Dark Lord. Just kidding! But, I have to say, what an introduction!

But, actually:

1). Obviously I made my Christmas playlist, but I’ve whored that thing out so much that I’m not even going to link it anymore. We all know I have one—let’s move on. But Sebastien told me about the “Merry Christmas: Jazz” Spotify playlist. I don’t know why I never really considered a jazz Christmas, but it’s really good and feels very Frank Sinatra-y and pulls to mind images of crackling fires and smooth eggnog. Even though eggnog is kind of gnarly; and not in the good, Californian way.

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2). Watching Home Alone really sealed the deal for me, Christmas-movie-wise. I think it’s because I’ve never actually sat down and watched the full thing all the way through. Probably like most people, I’ve caught glimpses and bits from the ABC Family “25 Days of Christmas.” But actually sitting down, watching Home Alone and drinking hot cocoa made me A) feel sad that Macauley Culkin is kinda cracked out now, B) wonder what he and Mila Kunis used to talk about, and C) get that cozy, “It’s Christmas” feeling. I love ABC Family’s Christmas traditions, and since I’m not currently in America at the moment, I’ve missed out a little on the Norman Rockwell holiday overload. So yeah, watch Home Alone. Also wonder why Catherine O’Hara didn’t just sock that kid in the face. Set him straight.

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3). On Friday—yesterday, I suppose—I went with Jenna to St. Paul’s Cathedral. We wandered amongst the sepulchral beauty—and it really is beautiful. I think Westminster Abbey is stunning, but St. Paul’s has this amazing grandeur that I think I prefer. Anyway, after climbing to the top of the dome, taking a few selfies, and wheezing our way down the stairs, we got back to the main floor and stumbled onto a Christmas choir. They were amazing, and their voices melded together and echoed against the dome. It was just a practice, so they were kind of #donewithit but I wish I was a good singer, so I find actual good singers fascinating. Plus, the Christmas trees on either side of the altar were decked out in fairy lights, and the glowiness of the whole moment made me feel warm and toasty and Norman Rockwell-y.

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4). Watch holiday episodes of TV shows. Okay, so I’ll be honest—I overloaded myself on the Christmas movies. Also, I generally don’t watch movies. I know that every cinema nerd is gasping right now, but I don’t have the attention span. I don’t like sitting down and being expected to sit down for longer than an hour. However, I will be watching Mockingjay Part 2 when I get back. So to avoid the Christmas marathons, I decided to watch holiday episodes of my favorite TV shows. My current pleasures are 30 Rock and Parks & Recreation. I’m convinced that 30 Rock is the only show—ever—to incorporate blackface into a holiday episode and have it not be really weird. And I wish I could get Leslie Knope as a Christmas present because she’s amazing, and those holiday episodes are killer.

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5). Sweaters. Ironically—or not, ironically?—I sweat a lot, so I don’t generally just wear sweaters. I put a button-down underneath, to create some sort of levy against the hurricanic body moisture. But the other day, I wore this really cute camel sweater, and earlier in the week, I finally wore the chunky, off-white sweater I bought in the Aran Islands. And wearing sweaters and being all snuggly makes you feel like a glamorous ski-bunny.

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6). So I fucking detest nutmeg. I’m generally not a huge spice person, so Marco Polo would have totally hated me. So I don’t often indulge in holiday drinks at Starbucks. I’ll get a Pumpkin Spice Latte because—hello—white, and I like Peppermint Mochas, but—and I’m not trying to start drama—England doesn’t really do Peppermint Mochas. They do, like, “toffee” and other freaky flavors. But I’m literally not trying to start any fights. I just find it a little aggressive. So when I go to Starbucks to get a coffee—a venti caffe latte, aka hot milk—I put a little blend of chocolate-cinnamon powder. I know that cinnamon isn’t a super Christmas-y spice—is it more for Thanksgiving?—but it makes me feel nice.

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7). I swear, I was in a street market a week ago, and they were selling Christmas trees, and I lowkey might have sniffed the branches like a cocaine addict snorts a line of that sweet white gold—I don’t know drug references. I was discussing this with a friend—the real versus fake debate—and one of the reasons I love real Christmas trees is the smell. I hate the pine needles detritus, and I think fake Christmas trees in unrealistic shades of gold, pink, and blue are chic in a “Beverly Hills plastic surgery” kind of way. But you can’t replace that authentic pine tree smell, the one that fills the entire house.

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8). Looked at cards of pugs in Christmas hats. Why isn’t this a thing year-round? Is it because I can’t be trusted to be productive if I know that, at any given moment during the entire year, that a pug might be wearing a little elf hat? Because I get that. But I love when animals get dressed up for the holidays. It brings me such joy.

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9). Change all of my social media accounts to holiday-themed goodness. This is so “millennial” of me, but I secretly love it and it’s actually kind of the most fun thing ever. Scrolling through Tumblr looking for that perfect, hilarious Christmas photo to put as the header of your Facebook. Thinking of ways to incorporate “Santa Claus” or the names of his reindeer into your Twitter handle. It takes a little bit of effort, which I’m sure my parents would say could be going towards “working on my resume” or “finding an internship” so I don’t “die on the streets,” but I want to go into pop culture and social media, so this is basically me beefing up my credentials. That’s what I’ll tell myself when I’m homeless. I did a really good job about changing my accounts for the various changes in the seasons, and I’ll be frank, I’m worried for January. Once Christmas is over, there aren’t really a lot of good, juicy holidays to sink into. Valentine’s Day is depressing, St. Patrick’s Day makes me want to punch non-Irish people, and no one takes Arbor Day seriously anymore. So I’ll enjoy the good seasonal social media while it lasts.

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10). This last one is weird-ish (?) and I’m not doing that thing where I say that I’m so quirky and you can’t possibly relate. I really love keeping the window open when it’s chilly. In England—I live in England; it’s, like, whatever. I mean, I’m leaving in four days, so I’m milking it while I can—it’s chilly but not frigid, so keeping the window open gives the room that fresh, crisp wintry air. Nothing makes me feel more Christmasy than snuggling up with fuzzy socks and a sweatshirt and watching a movie while a little frosty breeze gives my cheeks some nips. This is something that can’t really be done for that long, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts, because A) I think my roommate is about to kill me for it, and B) eventually it stops being “snuggly” cold and start being “Cut open the tauntaun” cold.

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What are your favorite ways to get into the spirit? Don’t comment or anything. Just say it aloud to yourself. I’ll know if you don’t, so you better do it. Is there a particular Christmas movie you always watch? I find that you can tell a lot about people from the Christmas movies they watch. There are some people who are serial monogamists and only watch certain ones, and there are others who settle down in front of the TV and marathon whatever’s on. I’m not sure which category I fall into. But that’s so binary of me.

May your cheeks be rosy, your hearts full of joy, your hands full of candy, and your mouth full of liquor!

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!

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Holidannys

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY: BUYING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

The Kardashian-Jenner sisters released their holiday gift guides for this Christmas, and as per usual, the items on their lists are reasonably priced, spare necessities. The lists contained a healthy amount of product placement—Khloé’s book was on the list, as were a $1000 duffel bag from Kanye’s Adidas line and Rob’s socks from his Arthur George line. But it reminded me that I need to buy Christmas presents. It also reminded me that I’m terrible at buying Christmas presents.

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I have good intentions—I don’t know who deliberately going into the present-buying process with bad intentions, unless you have your nemesis as your Secret Santa, which begets other questions such as “What are you going to get him?” and “Why are you in a friend circle with a nemesis?” and “Was there a cash limit?”—but I’m just not good at buying presents. I can’t do that, “Get them something they want, but wouldn’t buy for themselves” rule. I do the “I want to get this for them because it’s what I would want” rule, which ends with me just buying a present I want and leaving clawmarks on the wrapping paper when I give it to the recipient.

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Usually—to be frank—I don’t buy Christmas presents. I usually just chip in on a bigger gift, or bully someone into helping me. But this year, partially because I got into the holiday season so early, I actually want to get presents for people. But it’s so difficult to put yourself in the mindset of someone else, and separate your wants for them from their actual wants. It seems like it’s very selfless, and I’m very selfish.

Also, I find it interesting the whole process of picking out your own presents. When I was a kid, I would give detailed descriptions of what kinds of various thermal shirts I wanted that year, or which particular shade of khakis I needed. Now, I just send links. Is that shady to just send links of what I want? Should I leave more mystery? I feel like giving a plethora of options via link is nice, because it takes the pressure off, and also allows the giver to get you something you’re guaranteed to like, and it’s not as impersonal as a gift card.

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What was on your Christmas list for this holiday season? Are you one of those people who just wants “quality time” with their family? Or even worse, you “don’t want presents?” That’s a lie. We all know that that’s a lie. Everyone wants something; even if it’s a bobble-head. One year, I got a set of dinosaur toys. But I was, like, twelve, so it’s very unclear as to what my parents though I would do with those dinosaur toys.

And Christmas is when I got an iPod Nano, which was the beginning of me accidentally putting my sister’s music on my music library. And then I upgraded to the iPod Classic, which I just used as a miniature TV and purchased approximately 90% of the episodes of The Office.

Omg, this has been not amazing, but I promise I’ll actually put in effort for my posts. I’m going to say, “It’s just hard because it’s finals week and I’m trying to eke out the rest of my London experience,” but we all know it’s because I was watching holiday episodes of 30 Rock and took a three-hour-long nap. So let’s not lie to each other. Let’s not do this.

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!

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Holidannys

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY: RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

Have you ever thought about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? It’s so deeply ingrained in the fiber of my holiday season, that it was only the other day that I sat up bolt upright and realized:

Oh my fucking shit, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is what parents told children when they saw planes in the night sky.

Think about it. Really think about it. Planes have blinking red lights that appear against the black of the night sky. Do you think that one kid was like, “Daddy, what’s that?” and the dad decided to lie to his kid and say, “Well, that’s Santa’s sleigh.”

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“Well, that sounds fake, but okay,” the kid says skeptically, looking at his father, seeing before him his inevitable, futile future.

His father, seeing the disdain in his seven-year-old’s eyes, resolved to make this little shit believe him. “No, son, it’s true. The lead reindeer of Santa’s sleigh has a special red nose to help light the way for Santa. His name is,” thinks for a second (Derek? No, that’s dumb. Mercutio? No, too weird), “Rudolph.”

“Oh,” the kid says, second-guessing himself because Rudolph is so clearly the name of a reindeer. Maybe he was wrong and his dad isn’t a phony.

“Yeah,” the dad says, seeing now the uncertainity in his son’s eyes and pouncing like a mountain lynx, “yeah—Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

“That’s a little on the nose,” the kid says. They both pause before going, “Ayyyyy.”

“No but seriously, that seems a little too literal,” the kid says.

The father, frantic, says, “Wanna get ice cream?” The kid instantly forgets everything they were talking about, satiated by the prospect of mint-chocolate chip.

*****

So that’s definitely what happened with the first instance of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And this is why I can’t have nice things and why adults still need to believe in Santa Claus. Because me dissecting Christmas myths isn’t fun or cute, and not something I want to make an active habit of, but it keeps springing up.

I was thinking a lot about Rudolph because I was talking about my favorite Christmas movies—I was trying to remember the title of The Christmas List and eventually I did—and then I started talking about those old ABC Family stop-motion, felt-covered movies with Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph. Also does anyone remember that one with Young Santa Claus, when he was Kris Kringle? He was so hot, for a twenty-something stop-motion, felt-covered puppet. So totally boyfriend-material.

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With the arrival of Christmas and ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas, this is the inauguration of 25 days of asking the hard questions about our favorite childhood Christmas movies. Why do we get coal if we’re naughty? How did Kevin’s family leave him Home Alone? When is the appropriate time to tell your parents that you no longer like the color blue? Who really is Santa? What is mince pie? What is it?

It’s these types of questions and hard news journalism that you can expect from Holidannys. So I want you to ask yourself a hard question. And I want an even harder answer. Which reindeer are you? Dasher? Dancer? Prancer? Vixen? Comet? Cupid? Donner? Blitzen? Or that fame-whore Rudolph?

I feel like I’m a Blitzen. Idk why; he just seems like he’s got a good attitude.

Omg, what if the Kardashians had a Christmas episode, and it all started with, instead of the traditional intro—actually though, this season has a new opening credit—it was just them being Santa’s reindeer.

On Kendall, on Kylie, on Khloe, on Kris! On Kourtney, on Caitlyn, on Kanye, on Corey (Gamble, Kris Jenner’s new boyfriend)! And do you recall, the most famous Kardashian of all! Kim!

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HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!

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Holidannys

HOW TO TUESDAY: GET IN THE FESTIVE MOOD

The holiday season is upon us, whether we like it or not. Actually the holiday season started on September 1st, as soon as the pools closed and I decided that it was time to put away my sunscreen.

And normally I’m not a holiday person. I find the whole “dressing in red and green, Christmas lights for earrings, making a holiday playlist” thing kind of weird. Like, no one should be that happy to celebrate the fact that my nipples are freezing other than parka companies and nipple enthusiasts.

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But I’m a pessimist and a cynic and a cyclist and a mother, teacher, artist, dancer, singer. Sorry, I got off track. I’m tired of hate-scrolling through the Instagrams of people who drink eggnog and purposefully buy Christmas-themed drinks at Starbucks. I’m tired of hating people who love nutmeg. I mean, I hate nutmeg, but I appreciate the sentiment.

And while I don’t want to be one of those people who casually does a “throwing leaves in the air and then editing the shit out of those photos” photoshoot just for “funsies,” I think that there can be a happy medium between complete Grinch and complete Cindy Lou Who.

Side bar: If I ever had the chance to produce a show about an optimistic person who communes with the dead, you know that I would call it The Happy Medium. You just know that I would do that.

So to officially inaugurate the start of Happy Holidannys, my Christmas Spectacular, is the very first How To Tuesdays!

1). Make a Christmas playlist: as you all know, because you all religiously read my blog and memorize it, I made a Christmas playlist approximately halfway through November. And it’s the first time I’ve actually done anything more than just halfheartedly click on the “Holiday Music” option in iTunes Radio or just listened to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” on repeat. So I made a Christmas playlist on Spotify (sponsor me for this promo) and I made it as weird and eclectic (and mildly attractive from medium-far away) as I am. And it’s probably the first time that Frank Sinatra and Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 have shared the proverbial music stage.

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2). Wear scarves: Not just for utility. Get a large, patterned scarf—my current fave is green plaid—and wrap it around your neck and face and snuggle deep. Not only does it act as a cough barrier for the inevitable winter cold, but it really pulls together any outfit you wear and makes it seem like you put a lot more effort into your clothes than you did. Plus there’s something luxurious about having a blanket twined around your neck, just for your personal comfort. Just stick clear of ascots, you Fred Jones fake.

3). Try to be grateful: Okay, I’m gonna get real-real here and be all mushy-shushy-gushy for a second. It’s nice to be all like “YAS CHRISTMAS” or “SHALOM HANUKKAH,” etc., but it’s also nice to be nice and be grateful. The holiday season can kind of suck for some people, if they have to deal with ignorant family members, or monetary stresses, or if they just hate the holidays. It’s easy to be bitter, but for the holiday season, try to see the positives and while you don’t have to be like blind to your troubles—pls keep paying your bills—try to find some holiday happiness and treat yourself.

Which leads me to…

4). Treat yourself: This is not license to go out and buy yourself a mink stole. Refrain from that because a) Minks are endangered and b) You’re not a dictator’s wife or a starlet from the 30s. But feel free to splurge on yourself a little. Buy a cozy drink instead of making it at home. Buy that evergreen sweater that complements your eyes. Buy that book that you’ve been hearing about. Stay in, wrap yourself in your vintage mink stole—I mean, your blanket—and watch Love Actually instead of traipsing out into the cold and standing in a sticky bar talking to a boy with a dead tooth.

5). Get a Christmas sweater: I was half-against this, half-for this before I actually bit the bullet and bought one. On one hand, I think that they’re an excuse for hot people do to that thing where they’re like “Oh look at how funny it is for us to wear unflattering clothing” but on the other hand, I actually love ugly sweaters because I’m a literal potato. But I actually bought a Christmas sweater—with white reindeer and neon-green snowflakes—and I actually love wearing it. It’s festive, cheerful, loud but not ostentatious, and it just reminds me to be a little bit more holiday-y.

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I think it’s easy to be cynical as a semi-adult—I prefer the term “teenotanymoreger”, which is a little long but gets the point across—in the holiday season. The Christmas magic has disappated a little bit. We know that Santa isn’t real. The decorating of a tree, the buying of gifts, can be a little arduous. The magic isn’t made for us. Our parents aren’t orchestrating massive celebrations. Everything seems smaller, a little more dinghy. But you can still make the holiday season special. Even if you don’t follow the holidays, even if you think Christmas is bullshit, you can still make it a season of giving. You can make it a season of self-care and soft blankets, hot cocoa and movie nights, chilled breath pluming in front of your face and pink ears.

It’s harder to make the season effortless and cozy and sweet. It’s easy to be jaded and look at the price tag, and make fun of those people who do spontaneous—that we know were planned out—photoshoots and posting the shiny, over-edited evidence on our social media. But that doesn’t feel nice. And whether you subscribe to it or not, the holiday season is a time to feel nice. So try to feel nice, however you interpret that, however you carry that out.

Because it’s nice to be nice, and it’s nice to feel nice. Happy start to 25 days of Holidannys!

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Holidannys

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS

So if you remember a few weeks ago, I said that I had something in the works for December. You don’t? Oh. Um. Okay. I hadn’t planned for that. *Shuffles through index cards* Okay, um scratch that. I HAVE SOMETHING IN THE WORKS FOR DECEMBER! And it’s finally come to fruition! Yes, fruition!

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For the 25 days up to Christmas, you’ll be getting 25 posts! Starting tomorrow, Tuesday, December 1st, you can expect 25 Days of Holidannys™! I know that you’re so excited/don’t really care!

Inspired by the iconic 25 Days of Christmas, a la ABC Family, this blog series will blow you away but also be slightly underwhelming, just like ABC Family! I’m really excited to start, but also I am deathly afraid of failure and have a crippling fear concerning carpal tunnel syndrome. So pray for me!

Since I am terrible at “having a life” and “writing from the heart,” I’ve decided to organize Holidannys into a category for each day of the week.

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Monday will be Miscellaneous Mondays! This essentially means that they’re my days to go cray-z and also they were going to be “Memories Mondays” but that’s lame and I changed it last minute!

Tuesday will be How-To Tuesdays! People—me—are always asking me—my reflection—for advice, so these will be a series of “how-to’s” in order to become as adult and mature as me. Also know that I wanted to call this Titties Tuesdays, but I don’t know what I would’ve written about, so let that put my advice into perspective and lower your expectations.

Wednesday will be WTF Wednesdays! Even though I’ve worked through my anger issues through intensive therapy, I still get a little cross! So every Wednesday, expect a rant from moi.

Thursday will be Thoughtful Thursdays! I try to be uplifting and pensive and hopeful, so this day will be dedicated to my more inspirational ramblings. You’re welcome and I’m sorry in advance.

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Friday will be Fashion Fridays! I’m a fashion icon, so obviously this category is desperately desired by me. Some of them will be tales of my greatest fashion mishaps, but some might be actual fashion tips or my fashion desires, inspirations and pet peeves of the moment.

Saturday will be Seasonal Saturdays! Since this is the holiday season, I figured I had to make an entire day about getting into the holiday spirit and be all Christmas-y/Hanukkah-y/Kwanzaa-y/Winter Solstice-y.

Sunday will be Celebrity Sundays! Yes, I know that’s not alliterative. But I think you’ll like this. To wrap up each week and prep your body for the next one, I’ll be offering you a comprehensive list of all the celebrity drama/gossip that’s been going on in the last week. I’ll give you my expert commentary—as I am a pop culture journalism editorialist/icon—and we can dissect the celebrity news together! Expect a lot about the Kardashians. And maybe, maybe, maybe, we’ll get a Kardashian-West Illuminati baby—I mean, a regular Kardashian-West baby—during Holidannys! Pray to whatever gods you worship and sacrifice whoever you need to sacrifice to make sure that that happens!

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So that’s each week laid out for you! Lain? Lay? Whatever, that’s the week.

But seriously, I hope that you guys are excited, because I know that I am. I wanted to end the first year of my blog—can you believe it’s only a year old? Actually, it’s 11 months old, but who’s counting—on a bang, and I really wanted to challenge myself. Writing twice a week can be challenging, but it can also be a little stagnant. I really want to reinvigorate The Wunderkindof with all the fresh pizazz and panache that it’s capable of. I hope that you’re going to come along this slay-ride—guess, I know how I wrote it—and end the first year of the premier “angsty, teenager-written editorialized blog for antisocial pop culture freaks and my Facebook friends in the Greater North Atlantic Area” blog!

I’ve got to skedaddle, because I’ve got a lot of writing to do! Just kidding, I’m gonna go watch more Sex and the City and eat ice cream out of the pint with a spoon. But after that, I’ll start writing.

Thanks, you hoe-hoe-hoes!

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Happy Holidannys To All!

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Humor, Life

I’M YOUR PROBLEMATIC FAVE—LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC

I made a Christmas playlist on Tuesday and I’ve been listening to it. Before you pick up those stones, ask yourself this: are you about to stone me because I committed a holiday faux-pas, or because you’re jealous that you didn’t do this yourself?

*gets hit in the head with a large stone* I deserve that.

But let me explain. Linda, Linda, listen. Listen. Amiright? Who got that reference? Google it, people. It’s pop history.

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In case you live under a rock—girl, you deserve better than that—I’m living in London at the moment. I shop for groceries here, I poop here, I take the tube, I get lost in Hyde Park. And here in England—omg, name drop—they don’t have Thanksgiving. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

No faux-pas. No arbitrary rule about waiting until after Thanksgiving. Once Halloween goes back into its dark hole, it’s open season, goddamnit. And since I’m missing Thanksgiving in America this year—frankly, I could afford to skip those calories—I’ve decided to embrace the British and start listening to holiday music.

And I’ve never felt so alive. I realized that the act of waiting until after Thanksgiving is completely idiotic. That leaves hardly a month for listening to Christmas music, which is—according to multiple sources that I can’t divulge for privacy reasons, not because they don’t exist—one of the greatest genres. I don’t want just a month of Christmas music. I want more. I guess I’m a typical American in that sense. Ironic that it took me living like a Brit to find that out.

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Is that irony? I’m not sure what ironic means. I guess that’s pretty ironic. Did I get it that time?

*****

I’m not the kind of person who typically gets into the holidays. I guess I just usually feel like holidays are kind of a letdown. But I really need to stop hate-scrolling on the Instagrams of people who get into the holiday spirit, and I realize that most of those people are making an active attempt to be festive and get into the spirit. So I’ve decided that this year, I’m going to be all festive and shit.

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I also have been feeling anxious lately, and this Christmas music playlist is making me feel better. I know you’re asking yourself, “Is he mentioning the mental illness thing as a way of making it harder to give him shit for listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving?” And to that I say, “No comment” and pop a Zoloft.

I haven’t been feeling anxious for any particular reason, except every reason, but that’s just the name of the game with depression/anxiety. You can have no reason to be feeling this way, and your illness is like LOL YOU WILL FEEL IT.

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I’ve been stressed about this study abroad almost being over. I’ve been stressed about worrying if I’m not traveling enough. I’m stressed about classes for next year. I’m stressed about boys. I’m stressed about being a tad homesick. Not in like a “crying” homesick way. Just like in a, “I would really like a Dunkin Donuts medium caramel iced coffee (with a Turbo shot and no milk) and also to not have to do math whenever I’m paying for something, and also to have actual money again,” homesick way. So I guess, when I write it out, there might be a reason for the anxiety.

Whatever. Idk. Whatever.

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So because I’m like a total slut for Christmas music now, I’m going to divulge my playlist:

My Christmas 2015 Playlist, aka “YAS GAWD NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL CHRISTMAS”

  • One part Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped In Red
  • One part Frank Sinatra’s The Classic Christmas
  • One part Michael Bublé’s Christmas
  • One part Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

Stir thoroughly, adding in dashes of drag queen Christmas singles, The Weather Girls’ “Dear Santa—Bring Me A Man,” and Kylie Minogue’s very sexy “Santa Baby.”

  • Add Ariana Grande’s “Santa Tell Me” to taste. Serve immediately.

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Caveat: Once it’s November 13th, I will be adding the RuPaul’s Drag Race alumnae’s holiday album Christmas Queens. This will change the pH balance of the mix, because it’s about to get real basic. Okrrrrr?!

Side bar: Are they “alumnae” (the feminine plural Latinate ending) or are they “alumni” (the masculine plural ending)? Or maybe “alumna” (the gender neutral plural Latin ending)? So many questions.

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All in all, I’m trying to be a festive little snow baby. Even though it probably won’t snow while I’m in England. And it probably won’t snow when I’m back in New York for Christmas. It’ll probably dump four feet when it’s February and I’m pissed about Valentine’s Day. But being a snow baby is independent from the weather. Being a snow baby is purely a mental game. It’s all about in here *taps the side of head*. All in here.

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Alright, kiddos. I’m gonna go and start making a list of every holiday movie I’m going to watch. *Dodges another huge rock to the face* Okay, okay, I get it! I’ll roast a turkey! Fuck. You people are insatiable.

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