It’s 6:55, I just ate orange chicken from Trader Joe’s, and the only thing I’ve done to prepare for this blog in any way is screenshot and alter this photo from the new Ina Garten Facebook page I joined recently. The level of intensity is something I can relate to.
So when I have no ideas, I really like to do this rambling, sexy, elusive, elegant Human Centipede of a blog post—ew—called “Things Happening RN”. It’s a quick and easy way to disappoint and lower expectations when you’re in a time crunch.
I’m watching HBO’s Westworld and I’m so obsessed with it that I sometimes just scroll through Reddit and look up words like “simulacrum.” I’ve brought it up in conversation with at least two different people, and I badger the girl in my class who told me about it constantly. I’m beginning to think that she probably feels like Dr. Faustus or Dorian Grey—you thought the thing you did was a good idea and now all you want to do is die but you’ve you’re your soul to the Devil (me). I haven’t been hooked on a show-show in a long time, especially a thriller. Between KUWTK and the entire Real Housewives franchise, I’m a very busy TV watcher, but there’s not a lot of substance in the stuff I consume.
Westworld is sci-fi and Western and has this really hot old guy, and thrills and twists and turns. It’s so good; I might do a “recap” or “review” for the finale, BECAUSE THERE’S ONLY TWO EPISODES LEFT, POTENTIALLY UNTIL 2018. I’m gonna start looking into cryogenic freezing a la Walt Disney so that I can go to “sleep” and wake up in 2018, having skipped over the strenuous process of “finding a job” and “figuring out my life.” Such a drag—I’d rather be a frozen carcass for two years. What was I saying again? I’ve lost my train of thought.
2). Kylie Jenner is a grandmother
On Sunday, I was in a coffeehouse with Shelby and she mentioned that Kylie Jenner’s dogs—Norman and Bambi—had babies. At the time, I didn’t believe her, and pretty rudely told her she was a liar and a phony and a fraud. I said this because no news source was covering it, and I could see no baby bump in any of Bambi’s Instagram photos (I don’t follow @normieandbambijenner on Instagram, but obviously I know the name). However, later I discovered that Shelby was—for once—correct about something and that the two dogs had procreated and brought forth two new miniature Italian greyhounds into the world.
There are two things I find unbelievable about this story. Number 1: that Kylie didn’t have her dogs neutered. If you have dogs of opposite sexes, GET THEM NEUTERED. And if you have dogs of the same sex, also get them neutered because otherwise, they’ll fall in love, get married, and adopt the squirrel from the neighbor’s yard. Either way, get your dogs neutered and spayed. Number 2: that Kylie is now a grandmother! She looks amazing, her skin is amazing, and I can’t believe that she’s old enough to have grandbabies. God, time really does fly.
3). Ina Garten
I joined an Ina Garten Facebook page because the Real Housewives fanpage of the Real Housewives Fan Podcast page that I was following has been deleted. It was deleted for good reason, because within the course of five months, it had turned into a self-hating, anarchistic hellscape, and had already splintered off into warring secret faction groups. I literally wish I were kidding. I’m not. Anyway, hopefully the childless gays and middle-aged women in the group can be my new Facebook fodder. Judging from the aforementioned screenshot, I would safely bet that I’m in pretty good hands.
Let’s celebrate the colonists giving smallpox to the Native Americans by overeating undercooked turkey and liquid-y mashed potatoes. Or as I call them “mashed potitties” or “mashed potatas”. Just kidding. I love Thanskgiving. I love eating (watching people eat), I think I’m going to a “football game” with my high school friends (I’ll dress cute and spend the entire time trying to find good lighting despite the early morning gloom), and my family is obsessed with me (they tolerate me). But most of all, I’m excited for the Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life revival. There is literally, and I say this with no hyperbole, no more important thing in my life than this revival. I would let civilizations burn to the ground just to see the revival a few days earlier.
It’s 7:13 and I really don’t think that I can write anymore or get even darker than I already have. I’ve discussed pop culture, television, anarchy, and arson. What else is there to discuss, when you actually think about it? NOTHING. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT. I’ll probably post something on Thanksgiving, but in the meantime—send me some cash on Venmo. I could use it.
This will be short because it’s a holiday and everyone’s in a food-coma by now anyway. For me, this is technically Black Friday (after midnight) but actually Black Friday now starts at, like, 3 pm on Thursday, so Lorde knows!
I did a Friendsgiving with my flatmates and it was super cute! I was a little bit disconnected because of stressors about travel that are a little anxiety-inducing, but our Friendsgiving was actually super nice and profesh. We had a rotisserie chicken because even the idea of cooking a full turkey makes my heart hurt. We had delicious sides and good wine and good laughs (courtesy of me).
And I made everyone go around the table and say a) What they’re thankful for and b) What they’re looking forward to in the coming year. I know that the latter is definitely more of a New Year’s Eve thing, but I decided to forge ahead like the pioneer I am.
And being allergic to authenticity, I said that I was thankful for my friends, my family, and the E! Network for bringing me the Kardashians. Which is true.
But I’m also thankful for a lot more. I’m thankful for my parents who love and support me even though I’m the midnight sheep of the family (it’s a deeper shade of black). I’m thankful for my sisters because they’re as psychotic and emotionally manipulative as I am, which reaffirms my belief that I’m not a complete serial killer in the making. I’m thankful for skinny jeans. I’m thankful for my role models who—from writing to being a good human to comedy—make me strive to be better.
I’m thankful for my mental health. I discussed a lot with my boss and coworker today, and I realized how far I’ve come in the last year. Mental clarity isn’t something I take lightly, and I’m in a good enough place now to realize that I have such a good life. and it’s beautiful and painful and chaotic, but it’s immensely gratifying and satisfying. So I’m thankful for the last year, which has shown me the vigor of life.
I’m thankful for my blog, for allowing me to exorcise all my crazy, all my love, all my hurt, all my funny, and let it exist on the digital ether forever.
I’m thankful for boys with cute butts. I’m thankful for queer icons like Laverne Cox and Janet Mock and Caitlyn Jenner and Ross Mathews and countless others who inspire me to be my best every day and educate others. I’m thankful for WiFi. I’m thankful for the chance to live in London. I’m thankful for having a beautifully bonkers friend group and collegiate home-away-from-home waiting for me when I get back from London. I’m thankful for my dog, who reminds me that I’m just human garbage and he owns me.
And I’m thankful for you. Oops, no, not you. Behind you? The guy with the scruff? You’re so cute! Are you single? What’s your inheritance like? No older brothers? Nice. Only child?! Even better. Cool. I’m Danny. Let’s talk. You’re cute. Haha you’re funny. Omg stop!
Oops, got off track. And I’m thankful for you, reader. For coming back post and post and indulging in my crazy, but I don’t know/can’t decide/don’t want to know if it’s because you identify with me, you think I’m The Voice of Our Generation, or it’s one of those “Can’t look away from this trainwreck” situations where you’re afraid something really juicy is gonna happen and you don’t want to miss it.
Regardless, I’m thankful for your loyalty, your pageviews, and your (ahem) promotion of my blog, my Twitter, and my Instagram! Follow @thedanosaurus across all social media!
Thank you Oprah for giving me this life. Thank you Khloé Kardashian for creating the earth in seven days. Thank you Nick Jonas for your butt. Thank you, the Dalai Lama. I haven’t met you, but you seem chic.
Peace, love, and turkey meat!*
*But not the dark meat. Because who eats the dark meat?