On Wednesday, Rob Kardashian took to social media to blast his former fiancée, Blac Chyna, for allegedly “cheating on him.”
He posted a video of Chyna kissing another man, purporting that she had sent the video to him, a video of Chyna going into what Kardashian alleged was weight-loss surgery, as well as several screenshots of conversations (between Kardashian and Chyna, and between Kardashian and the alleged other man). After accusing Chyna of essentially swindling him for $1 million, given to her in gifts and rent, Kardashian posted three nude pictures of Chyna before his account was disabled.
While this isn’t the first time that Rob has posted sensitive contact information (he posted the phone number of the “other” man and he has posted his sister Kylie’s phone number, forcing her to change it), this is the first time he’s posted nude images of someone else. And, under California state law, it’s possible that he could face charges for revenge porn.
The show, Life of Kylie, will focus on Kylie and her friends—Jordyn Woods, the one boy, Stas, others—as they navigate the undulating hills of Los Angeles in their glitzy Mercedes G-Wagons. And if that sounds salty, then I’m not coming across the right way. I am very excited!!
According to the E! Online article, the show “hopes to reveal the real woman behind all the lip kits, fancy cars, mega mansions, glamorous Instagram photos and filtered Snapchat stories.” Someone needs to learn how to edit.
“Kylie’s beauty, business savvy and fashion icon status have made her one of the most famous and successful young women on the planet,” said Jeff Olde, Executive Vice President of Programming & Development at E!, according to the article. “Kylie has achieved so much at such a young age and we know the E! audience will be thrilled now that she is ready to share an inside look at her everyday life.”
Kylie is actually the last member of the family—sans Kendall, who’s, like, doing shit and drinking Pepsi—to have her own reality show. Her sisters have had various iterations of (x) and (y) take (z)—your Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and Kourtney and Khloe Take the Hamptons. Kris had her own short-lived talk show—Kris—and Caitlyn had her own docuseries—I am Cait—centered around her transition. Kylie’s Jenner brothers—Brandon and Brody—had a short-lived reality show called Princes of Malibu, which eventually led to their appearance on The Hills. Even the girls of the Dash store had their own, short-lived series, DASH Dolls.
Actually this is way, way overdue because even Rob Kardashian had a show—Rob & Chyna—before Kylie. YOU GUYS, THE JAN BRADY OF THE KARDASHIANS HAD A REALITY SHOW BEFORE KYLIE.
According to a Jezebel article, the title comes from the Irish phrase “Life of Riley”, which implies a life of ease or pleasantry. Life of Kylie should’ve been called Life of Ky because—similar to the novel-turned-movie Life of Pi—the main character is trapped indefinitely with a tiger (Tyga) and we’re all like “Don’t stay with that tyga! You’re too young for that tyga, Pi!” Major missed opportunity, Kylie & Co.
Side bar: OMG. If Kylie and Khloe have a spinoff centered around the making of the Koko capsule collection from Kylie Cosmestics, it NEEDS TO BE CALLED “Kylie & Ko”. I’m just spit-balling now, and it’s working.
The move is not entirely unexpected. Kylie has been noticeably absent from Keeping Up With the Kardashians in recent seasons. She’s been almost entirely absent from the latest season. And on a show that’s going on with its thirteenth season in ten years, it’s reasonable to assume that—to stay relevant—you have to innovate. The show will further investigate the secret life of the—arguably—most alluring and mysterious sister. Among the things we might learn: her thoughts on the discovery of the Trappist-1 planetary system, her goals/psychic visions for 2017, and her opinion about winged eyeliner.
Other titles the show could’ve used: “The Ky Life” or “Ky’s and Dolls”
Written late. I’m going to blame this going up late on the time-change, which is not at all true but you’ll never prove that. I mean, I just admitted to it, but will that hold up in court? Unclear.
This morning (my morning, your mid-afternoon), while I bustled around getting ready (doing dishes in my towel because I’m using this weird in-shower tanning moisturizer because clearly I don’t know when to quit while I’m ahead re God’s choices for my body; making my bed; choosing what plain t-shirt to overwear today) I watched the season 13 premiere of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. It’s been, like, so long since it’s been on—and so much has happened since then, even though the premiere was probably filmed in late September—that I almost forgot what it was like to watch KUWTK.
For instance, I don’t even need to be paying attention. I was doing dishes while it played, because by now, I understand that what happens in the “Coming Up” segment is essentially all you need to know for the next portion of the episode until the following commercial break. Also, they speak so quietly that I had to put on subtitles, and when I wasn’t looking at it, I knew that they would be lying on their sides lithely, picking at their acrylics, wearing hoop earrings, that I wasn’t missing anything.
Watching the Kardashians is like going to the aquarium. The main reason you go to the aquarium is because the fish are pretty, and it’s a glimpse into a world that you would know nothing about otherwise. To live amongst the fishes, you must forgo oxygen. To live amongst the Kardashians, it’s kind of the same thing. I don’t have elaborate parties at Prime One Twelve in Miami for my personal assistant. I don’t occasionally drop into my New York brick-and-mortar shop.
By the by, the Kardashians should sell DASH to Nordstrom. To not to that would be so fucking dumb. Make like Topshop and put that shit in a department store. Pls.
I don’t arrange for four extra rooms in a luxury hotel for my NBA player boyfriend and his crew. I don’t have a crew.
For these reasons, amongst a thousand others, I watch the Kardashians. Kylie and Kendall weren’t in the episode at all (apparently Kylie is gunning for a Kyga reality show—because that worked so well with Khlomar) and Kris only popped up at the end to wear power blazers and talk about baking cinnamon rolls. My family is boring and not even we have conversations this boring.
But I watch, and in the moments where I’m not fluffing my duvet (not a euphemism) or picking a cologne (out of two options) I’m glued to the screen. There’s something so alluring about these people—like watching Galatea come to life and talk about beanies. They’re hyper-human; they’re hyper-beautiful; they’re hyper-rich. And the fact that they have the most mundane conversations is part of the appeal; that people with this much beauty, influence, wealth and power could actually be so boring. STUN.
I think what I’m most excited for (besides the Paris saga) is Blonde Kylie. I was a huge stan for Blylie, and every day I miss that blonde bombshell moment she went through. Best few months OF MY LIFE. Also, I just realized that months ago, I tweeted that if Kylie did not release a line of highlighters called “KyLighters” that everything she’d done would be for naught. And guess what!!! It’s not for naught because she released Kylighters!!!! I can’t believe I’m psychic.
Side bar—there was a point sophomore year that I was legitimately convinced that I was psychic and I truly believed I could predict the future. So maybe this is my second wind!
I like how all I thought to write about was the Kardashians and even with that, it’s taken me, like, an hour to get this far. Not all heroes wear capes though, because I’m managing to finish this 4 my fans. Actually, though, I totally would wear a cape—very chic. Although very fall.
Source: Danny McCarthy// My current background
Is there anything left to say? I switched out my phone cases because “if I had to look at my clear phone case for another second, I would’ve flipped out” and that’s too extreme of a reaction to have about anything. My new one is silicone-y and says “Chill pills” which isn’t basic of me because, technically, I am on chill pills. It’s ironic and subversive. Fuck off.
I love my life. I love the Kardashians. I love cauliflower.
Source: Twitter//Peep the time-stamp; who’s gonna tell my Twitter about Daylights Savings?
I might be in a twelve-person minority, but I’ve been watching Rob & Chyna. I don’t know why, I think I hate it. I don’t know what’s the worst: the blurred/pop art-y effect on transitions or the fact that it’s Rob. It might be the latter. Maybe if the show was just Chyna. It would be better. Or, best option: you drop both, and it’s just a sitcom with King Cairo and Nanny Joy. And occasional appearances from that hot guy who always hangs out with Chyna (is he, like, her trainer?) and Chyna’s mother, Tokyo Toni. Omg, I just realized that it’s “Chyna” and “Tokyo.” Appropriation?
As a long time KUWTK watcher, I’ve witnessed the evolution of Rob. Remember when he was a model? Remember when he was dating a Cheetah girl? Remember when he had a better ass than Kim?
We saw his steady decline into depression as he gained more and more weight, until he became a recluse in Khloe’s house for the last three years. Then, through the grapevine, we hear that he started dating Blac Chyna, and he slowly-slowly-slowly starts making appearances on KUWTK.
I really wanted to like Rob, but he’s become such a reprehensible, two-dimensional character that it’s almost impossible. I try to rationalize it as depression-based, but I feel like I’m allowed to say this: Being depressed is not an excuse for being a shitty guy. I have depression and anxiety, but you just buck up. It sucks and it’s hard, but Rob’s actions should not be excused by his illnesses.
I’m talking about, of course, his most recent actions: leaking Kylie’s private phone number on Twitter. He hasn’t taken it down, and she’s probably since changed her number, but the ugliness is burned into the brain of pop culture.
The incident: Apparently Rob was pissed that his sisters were throwing two separate baby showers—he and Chyna apparently haven’t spoken in months—and they didn’t invite Chyna to his shower. Btw, she knew about the separate showers and thus probably knew that she wasn’t going to his. But Rob, the kween of overreacting, decided to go ahead and publish Kylie’s phone number.
In a weird way, it’s a perverse parallel of Kim exposing Taylor via SnapChat. Both come after perceived wrongdoing, both were attempts at exposure and humiliation. But Kim’s retaliation was supported by a backbone of righteous retribution: Taylor was lying, and it was affecting Kim’s husband and her own reputation. Rob’s reeks of pettiness, in a way that the Kardashian-Jenners never show publicly. Maybe they are petty, but their images are so carefully cultivated that that slips through.
On Rob & Chyna, Rob plays so flatly, a depressed guy so clearly uncomfortable in his skin, so unenthused with having a child, so unenthused with everything. He’s so obviously putting on this act, dropping his cut-glass Calabasas accent and talking like he didn’t graduate high school. Rob, you might not have gone to college, but you’re from Hidden Hills, California—stop talking like that. Use proper grammar. He just wants to fit in, and it makes me want to hit him.
In literature, there’s this device that’s employed called “pathos.” It’s the word from which “pathetic” is derived. Pathos invokes a strong emotion, usually sympathy. And that’s what Rob is to me—pathetic. He pulls this twisted emotion out of me, revulsion coiled around aching sympathy, strung through with lip-sneering annoyance. He’s pathetic, and I want to be empathetic, but what he’s doing is so shady and petty and small that it’s nearly impossible.
From a literature sense, the “character” of Rob is deeply fascinating. The only boy; the heir. More sensitive than all his sisters, and falling susceptible to the fame. Trying to claw his way back to that golden place, the elusive upper echelon where his sisters reside. Getting a warped version of what he wanted: notoriety instead of fame, money instead of happiness. Lashing out in a cry for attention. Helpless. Hopeless.
And if this were literature, I would hope for a redemption arc. I would hope that Rob is salvageable, that this anger that seems to be burning a hole through his skin can be quelled. Because otherwise, he’ll blow up like a social media supernova.
Depression can’t be cured by any amount of money. It takes time and sympathy and therapy and work. But as Tokyo Toni pointed out in the Fourth of July episode of Rob & Chyna, they don’t have some of the issues that most people struggle with. They have plenty of money; they are in stable homes. They [Rob and Chyna] have issues that are possible to overcome.
At a certain point, to get better, you have to make the active choice to seek it out. And if that moment won’t be rapidly arriving with the birth of their baby, I don’t know what will.
Written after a nearly 13-hour workday. So tired I didn’t even consider writing “werkday.” That’s a lie. I thought about it.
S/o to my coworker/friend/workout buddy Melanie (I’m too tired to think of a real pseudonym) for our extended work day. Also s/o to my other coworkers Lazy-Eye, Thinks She’s Pretty, Mittens, Tonya Harding, Voldemort, Real Housewives, Hot Sauce, and Rumplestiltskin. You guys are awful, but also hot?? I can’t figure it out.
I eventually want to address more serious topics, but the thought of exercising my brain in that direction is too much rn, so we’re going to move onto something that LIGHTS MY FIRE.
So much has gone since 2009 that I can’t even begin to recap it, but I’ll try to do my best. 2009 VMAs, Taylor Swift wins Best Music Video or whatever, over “Single Ladies.” Kanye storms the stage and says Bey deserved the award—true. Taylor gains massive popularity—kind of rightfully. Kanye is totally besmirched in the press—kind of rightfully. Both stars continue on their way, making a tentative peace the same way two rival prides of lions make a tenuous alliance.
All is relatively calm until Kanye releases “Famous” off the album The Life of Pablo. The lines “I think me and Taylor might still have sex; why? I made that bitch famous” strike a fire in Taylor, and she says in a later speech not to pay any mind to people who will try to “undercut and make claims to your fame.” V relatable.
Kanye lashes back and says that Taylor knew and gave consent for the lyrics. Kim K concurs. Taylor basically calls Kim a brainwashed Stepford wife. Kim K says, “Rlly bitch?? We got video, hunty.” Taylor shits her pants but does not back down. The ruckus simmers. Recently, Calvin Harris and Tay broke up, then Calvin badmouthed Taylor (called her boring, again—kind of rightfully) and Taylor leaked that she wrote Harris’ summer Rihanna anthem “This is What You Came For.” Tbh I could take or leave the song. But that’s neither here nor there.
People are calling Taylor a snake, and Kim K—in time for the airing of the KUWTK episode that deals with the “Famous” drama—decides to pull out her fucking Sherlock Holmes cape and SnapChats the entire video that shows Kanye on the phone with a very-on-board Taylor Swift, thus apparently proving that Taylor was a tay-liar, and her high-waisted jorts were v much on fire. Kim showed the world the other side of Tay, and thus proved that she is more influential than Woodward and Bernstein combined. Kim makes Watergate like a middle school rumor mill. Bow down.
Taylor says the part she has an issue with was the “I made that bitch famous,” which she claims Kanye never cleared with her. But from what I glean from TayTay, I doubt that she was fine with “I think I could have sex with Taylor Swift” and not fine with “I made that bitch famous.” Seems like you’re upset about the wrong apart, Tay.
After this—a scene that makes Cersei Lannister blowing up King’s Landing with wildfire look like a FUCKING PLAYGROUND FIGHT—Selena Gomez decides to stop trying to revive her career and tweet on Taylor’s behalf. “Let’s use our platform for real issues,” she said. EXCEPT she has never tweeted about Alton Sterling, or Philando Castile, or any Black Lives Matter movement, or anything of that ilk. She tweeted about Orlando. But when t comes to defending a white woman, suddenly everyone wants to focus on “real issues.” Chloe Grace Moretz concurred with Selena Goawaymez, but she’s tweeted more about shoes than she has about social issues. Khloe got involved and tweeted an unfortunate picture of a girl she thought was Chloe, but it wasn’t. A for effort, Khlo, but no dice.
Part of me thinks this is a conspiracy concocted by Kim K and Tay—the witches of Macbeth—but that seems very extreme, given the excessive vitriol being lashed at Taylor. I think this because it’s very unlike Kim, who keeps everything in her queendom neat and ordered, to go off script like that and show something as messy as unveiling Tayliar Snake. Also, there is the whole “Search” aspect of the Taylor Swift note, which suggests that it was previously written and recalled for the occasion.
I would like to take a line from the Taylor Swift Instagram note. “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one I never asked to be a part of, since 2009.” Most of me thinks that this proves that Taylor Swift is just like everyone in the entertainment industry—largely concerned with projecting their own narrative. Which is fine, dude, but own up to it. Don’t try to destroy other people to protect your own image. Taylor Swift has included herself in that narrative, making herself the victim of Kanye West. She chose to indulge in that dialogue, to make herself a character in that storyline. She is the one who wrote a song about it, who kept bringing it up, who allowed it to buoy her. Don’t throw stones at the glass house you just walked out of. Don’t burn bridges that you might need to cross over again.
Taylor has made bank off of being the victim, playing off the racism in America that allows us to come to the defense of a white woman who is the “victim” of a black man, even when that black man has done nothing wrong. He wrote a lyric about her? And what has she made her career off of if not writing about other people? Kanye West is not perfect, but stop pretending Taykor is. And this is not a dig at her relationships, or an attempt at slut-shaming. That should not be important to the conversation. What is important is that Taylor Swift is a pop powerhouse and media mogul. She is every bit as powerful as Kanye. She is not the underdog any longer.
And shockingly, I found myself agreeing with Selenirrelevant Gomez—celebrities, use your fucking platforms for something actually constructive. I was grateful for this welcome distraction from issues such as the Dallas shootings, or the Baton Rouge shootings, or the mistreatment of Leslie Jones, or the still prevalent restrictions of abortion—WHICH IS LEGAL—or the still discussion of same-sex marriage, or the fact that Trump made Mike Pence—who LEGALIZED queer discrimination in Indiana—as his VP. Sometimes we need something dumb to give us a breather, and to make us realize what is really important.
We need to care more about social justice issues than social media. I think that the Tayliar situation reflects a lot of how our society thinks, but we need to focus on issues that require real, dynamic change. I’m a complete pop cultural anthropologist/junkie/apologist, but even I understand that this debacle is PENNIES compared to what else is going on. I wish the people I see in my life and on social media who are as fired up about taking sides in the Kan-Tay-Kim fight would be as passionate about other issues. No tea, no shade, but we need to pour our influence towards real change.
And lastly, remember that Beyoncé’s sheer greatness created a feud between two of the most powerful alphas in the entertainment industry. She did this by accident. Imagine what havoc Queen Bey could cause on purpose.
Alternate titles: “How To Disguise Your Flagrant Narcissism as Genuine Confidence” or “How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying.”
First, I’d like to just say right off the bat that if you’re funny, you could essentially get away with whatever you want. Actually wait, that’s not entirely true; if you’re hot, you can actually get away with whatever you want. And I’m not even limiting that to getting away with narcissism. If you’re hot, you can do anything. Like Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP. Do you think Gwyneth is qualified to recommend organic lube? Of course not.
So, if you’re above an 8 (the scale varies re your location), please disregard this blog post. You’re already set for life. Actually, you could give me some advice. If you have a high level of skill in getting people to like you (being blindingly funny, or a natural blonde), then this post can serve as more of light entertainment. But if, like me and rest of the plebeian majority, your flagrant narcissism is unequal to the level of your attractiveness and/or wit (just kidding, no one can be both hot and funny), this article is your savior.
THE NARCISSYSTEM—soon to be trademarked, but it’s not done yet so don’t steal it, you guys. I’m serious.
First I should point out that I’m butchering “narcissism” in the same way that Khloe Kardashian has a video series on her app called “Khlo-C-D.” I know that I’m not referring to clinical narcissisim. Don’t send me your letters. I’m referring to the casual narcissism, the millennial narcissism.
Our generation has been bred for casual narcissism in the same way that pugs and other brachycephalics were bred to look like E.T. It’s almost not our fault, it’s the fault of others…Which is something that a casual narcissist would say to avoid taking the blame for their actions. Moving on. I don’t think that someone could be around so many front-facing cameras and not be a little bit of a narcissist. There are Instagram models, people—open your eyes. It’s completely out of our hands now.
However, it’s a complete double-edged sword. We’re all narcissists, but you can’t be too openly narcissistic, because people don’t like seeing the physical manifestations of their souls. It’s too creepy (similar to the “Uncanny Valley”). It’s a mixture of the joy of having someone to hate—thus redirecting some of that self-hate that every millennial has—and the pure rage of someone having the balls to say what we’re all thinking. But on the other hand, you can’t be too modest. People hate modesty more than they hate ostentation because modesty means you don’t know/accept how good you have it, and people cannot handle that. It’s the Anne Hathaway Syndrome: don’t be too modest or people will want to skin you alive.
Like everything else in the world—it makes no fucking sense. The very act of maintaining social media presence implies some inherent narcissism: you think that what you’re putting out is funny or pretty or palatable enough to be worthy of consumption en masse. Even the Internet troll exhibits some base form of narcissism (mutated, though; in the same way that an actual turtle is tangentially like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles); they believe their vitriol is good enough to be coattailed onto creative content. And if you don’t have any social media presence, it’s assumed that either A) you’re Amish or B) you think you’re too good/authentic/uninhibited for social media.
So if you’re stuck between too open and too modest, finding the right balance requires a mixture of humor, timeliness, bold disregard for social norms, and a pinch of spunk.
If you’re deeply self-involved, but also critically insecure, here’s a great way to both get compliments and sympathy. I, as a gay 6 and a Boston 7, will say things like, “It’s hard because I’m so hot,” or “I wonder if I could get away with some of the things I say if I were ugly.”
Then wait, staring silently at your friends/personal assistants and wait for them to laugh or say nothing. If they laugh, it’s because they know that you’re ugly and you’re talking like an 8+, and if they’re silent, either they agree or they’re letting you have this. In either case for the second option, you win. The practice revolves on being hilarious, which is an excellent mask for the fact that you think that you’re actually that hot. Like I think I’m actually hot enough to get away with the things I say. Modern science, as well as my checkered dating history, provides a pretty strong counterpoint to that, however.
Here is where two roads diverge in the woods. Which path you takes depends on whether you’re hot or funny. We have established previously that you can only be either hot or funny, so I don’t have to worry about making up some third, weird combo path. Two paths. Accept it.
If you’re hot, take the Instagram. With a great enough following (or simply a like-happy following) you can bask in the social acceptance of your flagrant displays of narcissism. Outside of early Facebook-late MySpace, taking selfies has never been so publicly accepted. However, if you chose to Instagram, mingle your selfies with landscape shots, shots of dogs bounding freely, and/or simple, white aesthetic shots of food or furniture. Invest in a proper editing app, such as Afterlight or VSCO. Have a wide breadth of edited shots to upload at a moment’s notice (as long as that moment’s notice lies within the bracket of heavy traffic times). I edit my photos in the bathroom so when I’m out and about, I don’t have to edit at a moment’s notice.
If you’re funny (or ugly), go via Twitter. I, shockingly for a L.A. 5 and Milwaukee 8, use Twitter. Twitter allows me to be the most viciously funny, sloppy version of myself. It’s the social media equivalent of being so deep into a long-term relationship you exclusively wear sweatpants. Twitter has seen me at my worst and accepts me for it. In fact, it encourages my worst. I have never been dumber, funnier, ruder or sharper than I am in my best moments on Twitter. At my funeral, I’m going to have a flat-screen above my casket that plays a slideshow of my greatest Tweets.
Lastly, pretend that you’re in on the joke. If people knew that you were actually being serious, they would abandon you on an iceberg. But if they think you’re being funny, skewering our narcissistic society with your acute view and biting wit, then they’ll be into it. Here are some ways to coat your self-centeredness in “humor.” A). Amp up your narcissism ever so slightly, in the vein of shows like Candidly Nicole and Inside Amy Schumer (specifically the skit where she uses Tig Notaro’s breast cancer diagnosis to get people to be nice to her). B). Write a humorous article, maybe entitled “How To Be A Narcissist and Get Away With It” on your excellent, but not widely appreciated (because your humor goes over everyone’s heads), blog called the Blunderkindof and make it seem as if you’re emulating the vapid pleasure-society that we all inhabit. No one will catch on that you yourself are a wildly spiraling tornado of narcissism. It’s foolproof.
If everything else fails—fake your death and subsequent “resurrection.” This one guy did it 2000 years ago and he got a book deal out of it. So extra.
***
I hope you liked this snunny (snarky + funny + nihilism) post! I had an absolute blast writing it, and usually the only thing I enjoy is inflicting pain upon the masses! What a departure! But seriously, I actually loved writing this insane, silly, rude post and I hope that you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Or if that’s too tall an order, I hope that you had a modicum of the pleasure I had while writing it. I’d like to thank Nina for bouncing ideas off (even though she thinks I’m not pulling off being a functioning narcissist).
Do you know how hard it was for me to not write the title as “KOCKTAILS WITH KHLOE IS KANCELLED”? It took greater resolve than that time when God told Moses to kill his son. Did I just use a Biblical reference to illuminate a point on the Kardashians? I’m ready for hellfire and plagues to rain down upon me.
Here’s the quick and dirty: Kocktails With Khloe premiered in January 2016, with an original greenlit episode count of eight. FYI was in talks to give Kocktails an additional 15 episodes, pushing the total count of episodes for the season to 23. However, they won’t continue on that promise, and the series with end with a total count of 14 episodes.
The talk show utilized a different camera style, preferring the “fly-on-the-wall” technique, and the entire show was retooled from the traditional form to a more “dinner party” atmosphere. The combination of the two, and the relatively unstructured nature of the show, gave it a listless, unfocused feel—in the opinion of this unbiased and very handsome reporter—that made each hour-long episode—already a daunting task for a late night talk show—feel even longer.
The show was a different direction for Khloe, despite her previous experience filling in as host for Chelsea Lately, and it’s a noble endeavor. She pulled in her celebrity family—and maybe that might have been part of the problem. The laconic, ennui-infected Kardashian-Jenners are suited for reality television, where their antics are enhanced by the glamour of their surroundings. In the confined and static location of Khloe’s “house,” their quiet and reserved demeanors dissolved into being just plain boring. If you think I’m dragging the Kardashians, then I’m coming off too strong. I love them, but I think we need to call a spade a spade. They’re kinda boring sometimes.
Kocktails saw guests such as Kym Whitley, Brandi “Shark Eyes” Glanville, Snoop Dogg, Tyga, Scott Disick, endless combinations of Kardashian-Jenners, my ultra-queen Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, and Gay Mount Rushmore Head RuPaul. It also had Hot Sharone, Khloe’s bartender. I’ll be sad to say goodbye to Hot Sharone, although to be honest, he was a little distracting.
However, proving both that you can’t keep a good Kardashian down and that Ryan Seacrest has somehow tied his life-force to that of Kris Jenner, Khloe is already slated to have a new show. Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashianhas been picked up by E! for six episodes and will follow Khloe as she helps people get after-breakup revenge bodies to…I guess…make their exes jealous. But who’s still the one going on public television to prove that they’re over you?? Seems a little thirsty.
The whole concept of a “revenge body” is a little anathema to me, but it’s kind of Khloe’s brand right now, and if you got it, then you should literally flaunt it. It’s her moneymaker—metaphorically and, now, realistically.
Revenge Body will not be produced by Bunim/Murray, which produces Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and will rather be associated with Khlomoney Productions—pause for eyeroll—Lionsgate Television, and Ryan Seacrest Productions.
The news of Khloe’s show cancellation proves that this is a tough week for Khlomoney. Yesterday, the news arose that Khloe’s brother, Rob Kardashian, and his girlfriend of three months, Blac Chyna, were engaged. Chyna is also the mother of Khloe’s half-sister Kylie Jenner’s boyfriend, rapper Tyga. So now, if Kylie and Tyga got married—Lorde help us—and Rob and Chyna get married, Tyga will be the uncle of his own son, and Kylie will be the stepmother of her own nephew. Can’t wait to be at that Christmas party.
Also, apparently Blac Chyna will revert back to her actual name—Angela—if she marries Rob, becoming Angela Kardashian, making sure that the blood vessels in Kim Kardashian’s eyes will burst.
Do you ever have one of those weekends where suddenly it’s Sunday night, you’re lying on the floor of your apartment on a blue shag carpet, and you’re realizing that the most culturally significant moments of the past weekend involved eating food, and that you can name exactly what you ate but not any other thing that happened? No? Never mind.
I was overwhelmed and amazed and pleased at the response my last post—read here if you would like—but the response was so explosive that now I am the literal definition of “deer in headlights.”
And since I didn’t do adequate planning—due to the “deer in headlights” (or the “when the kitchen lights come on as you’re sitting on the counter eating chocolate ice cream out of the carton”) aspect of these last few days—I’m giving you, in lieu of a specific spotlight on what’s happening celebrity-wise, a sort of “What You Should Care About Right Now” list. You’re welcome (?).
WHAT’S HAPPENING RN:
1). The Super Bowl: No comment, except that I essentially view the Super Bowl as a three-part musical—football, BEYONCE, football—and I will, until I die, refer to the field as a “stage” and football players as “Beyoncé’s warm-up act” because I think that is hilarious. But, if you care, it’s the Panthers versus the Broncos. I’m assuming that I’ll just get the low-down from my mother, the Queen and a total Sporty Spice, tomorrow, since she is watching the game.
2). BEYONCE: Beyoncé released a new music video, “Formation,” out of nowhere, and my eyes were not ready for the Instagram stills that she put up when the video came out. I’ve watched the video, and I have a few things to say. Blue Ivy is so big now, it’s crazy! I love the whole “back to my roots in Givenchy” vibe, as well as her braids. I like the synchronized dancers, and the “I Slay” mentality. I also will be incorporating “Always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper” into my daily life.
3). BEYONCE, part dieux: I just need to make her more than one point. She’s so great. I can already tell that I will be awkwardly and inappropriately dancing to this song in a club/my shower, someday very soon. Also I’m craving Red Lobster.
5). Kocktails: I’ve been binging on Snooki a lot lately and she was on the third episode of Kocktails with Khloe. This was the least cringe-worthy episode of the show, so while I will not be watching consistently, I will at least be checking up to see who the guests are to see if it’s worth me having very tense shoulders for forty minutes.
6).This video from Mic: The music video of Coldplay and Beyoncé (BEYONCE) has been criticized for cultural appropriation, and this video from Mic does a really excellent job of differentiating between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. Basically, appropriation occurs when one borrows recklessly from another culture without understanding the historical significance behind what they are borrowing. So for instance, Chris Martin (referred to in my mind as “Gwyneth Paltrow’s ex-husband”) being followed by a crowd of adoring Indian children might seem weird on the surface, but when you consider that less than 100 years ago, the British Empire was oppressing and ruling over India—which inspired Gandhi to rise up and call for Indian independence against the British Empire—the image becomes almost horrifically self-indulgent and inappropriate. It’s well done and succinct, so watch it!
8). Gloria Steinem, Bernie Sanders, and Hillary Clinton: I might go into this in deeper depth—omg am I political??—but basically Gloria Steinem, noted feminist and author, said that young women are gravitating towards Bernie Sanders to impress boys and are shying away from Clinton. She later apologized, because…obviously, but it’s still relevant. Also Bernie and Hillary had a Democratic debate this week on who was actually deserving of the term “progressive.” Things got heated. Watch this Late Night with Seth Meyers clip to get a deeper look—but not funnier, because I’m the funniest—at what went on.
This has been “What’s Happening RN.” I’m your host, Danny McCarthy. Good night, and good luck out there.
An in-depth dissection of what went down on Wednesday.
I triaged to the triad of the Kanye West-Wiz Khalifa-Amber Rose mess (suck my ass, Shelby)—
Side bar: I don’t actually know the real meaning of “triage” but that’s not gonna stop me from triaging—
And I’m not going to do a full rundown of the entire history of the triangle, because Sam Stryker from BuzzFeed already did that and he probably did it better than me, so I’m just going to highlight the best moments.
Okay, so if you were living under a rock—or under The Rock, amiright ladies—then you might not know what went down on Wednesday. But mama’s here to tell you. I’m mama, for reference.
First, for references:
Kanye dated Amber Rose before marrying Kim Kardashian, and Amber Rose has a child with Wiz Khalifa. Amber’s former friend is Kim Kardashian, and her current best friend is Blac Chyna, who has a child with Tyga who is currently dating Kylie Jenner, and Blac Chyna has recently begun a relationship with Rob Kardashian. Khloe Kardashian has had major beef with Blac Chyna over Kylie Jenner, and recently tweeted some shady things about “not going against the fambily (Caroline Manzo voice)” that could be interpreted about Rob and Chyna’s new relationship. Okay, are we all good?
On Tuesday, Ye—‘Ye* (?)—announced that he was changing the name of his album to WAVES. First of all, I enjoy it. But then Wiz tweeted at him basically saying that he didn’t like the name change and that Kanye should “hit this kk” and get back to his roots. Apparently “kk” is code for that sweet dank kush—marijuana—as well as me when I’m trying to be salty over text, but Kanye took it as a slight dig at his wifey, Kim Kardashian West.
That, clearly, didn’t go over well. Over a series of more than seventeen tweets, Kanye proceeded to wreck all over Wiz, insulting his music, his pants (?), his slim frame, and—and this is important—Amber Rose, Wiz’s ex. And since it wouldn’t be Kanye if Kanye wasn’t promoting Kanye, Kanye also made the tweets a backdoor brag for himself, claiming that though he wasn’t “tall and skinny” he was still the greatest artist that ever lived and is the pinnacle of music creation. Maybe that’s not so much of a backdoor brag as it is a full-out BRAAAAAAAAG.
So the fourth tweet is where things get interesting. Kanye says, “You let a stripper trap you.” The “stripper” in question is Amber Rose, a mutual ex of both Kanye and Wiz. Kanye dated Amber first, and then when they broke up, Amber and Wiz got together, eventually having a son, Sebastian Taylor Thomaz (which is straight up such a cute name). Kanye went on to marry Kim, and have two children: North and Saint.
Kanye has disparaged Amber in the past, claiming that he had to take “thirty showers” after being with Amber before he could be with Kim, and has taunted Wiz saying that Amber “trapped” Wiz for 18 years with their son, and that he basically “owned” Wiz and Amber’s son and made him happen.
Now, we all know that Kanye is a complete egomaniac and has said on multiple occasions that the biggest crime of human history is that he will never get to see himself live. I disagree, but let’s not split hairs. But his comments on Twitter—which he has since deleted—contain such a heavy misogyny and double-standard that it’s painful.
Amber Rose seems to be shaded by past men in her life, to the point where they’re practically obsessed with her. Her past as a stripper and her outspoken sexuality are demonized by Wiz and Kanye, but she refuses to bend, appearing at the 2015 VMAs with Blac Chyna wearing dresses covered in misogynistic slurs, and hosting the Slut Walk soon after. So, she’s basically amazing and refers to herself as “Muva” in the third person on Twitter.
Amber hit back against Kanye by saying that she was hurt by his words and wouldn’t ever attack him like he’s attacked her, because regardless of where they are now, they were once in love. She’s so dope. But she’s also not taking shit, so she entered the dialogue with this iconic tweet:
And later on the Allegedly podcast, Amber said that she would never talk shit about Kanye’s kids because A) she’s classy, and B) they’re kids. She’s disgusted that Kanye would talk about her son, but she’s not surprised. And are any of us surprised?
It was Tyler Oakley who said that if you hate someone, then why would you give them promo? And Kanye West has been essentially giving promo to Amber for years. He calls her a slut and a stripper and tries to demolish her, but they dated for over two years. They went around the world together. His anger towards her is curious and interesting, and it goes beyond just a nasty break-up.
Kanye West employs a dangerous double-standard, lauding his wife Kim and demonizing his ex Amber. But how can you do that? How can you do that? How can you have a wife and a daughter whom you praise and cherish and completely trash on someone else’s mother, someone else’s daughter? You can’t. You shouldn’t.
How can you slut-shame when you have seen firsthand people do the same to your wife and watched her go through that? How can you witness that and then turn around and completely shame another woman?
Kanye’s misogyny is dangerous, because it employs the stereotype that owning your sexuality makes you a slut, and being married makes you virtuous. I love Kim and the entire Kardashian clan, but how different are they from Amber? All are strong, independent, capable women who own their sexuality. But Amber is slut-shamed and shunned whereas we applaud Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kylie.
You don’t have to love everyone, but you should always respect them. And Kanye’s treatment of Amber shows that to him, respect for women is circumstantial. That if you’re on his bad side, you’re a whore and a bitch and a slut. But if you’re on his good side, you are virtuous and noteworthy. But how easy is it to slip from side to side? Answer: very easy.
Kanye is teaching the world that however much he loves and honors the women in his life, he is still a misogynist because he relies on sexist, misogynistic and derogatory language to tear down a woman for her sexuality and her independence. His rhetoric is damaging for his listeners, his daughter, and his family, because he is perpetuating slut-shaming. Like bro, can we not? Can we absolutely abstain from slut-shaming?
Muva Amber doesn’t need my help in defending herself, so I won’t go into all of her amazing attributes. But I will say this. She is strong, and she defends herself. And she refuses to be ashamed or stoop to low levels. She has respect for Kanye when he doesn’t have respect for her, and that is such a hard thing to remain on the high road when some asshole is slinging mud at you from below.
So now you’re all caught up, and, frankly, you’re welcome. It was exhausting. I suppose what we’re supposed to do now is just watch and wait and see what happens. Either way, I don’t really anticipate anything beyond Amber owning it and Kanye just digging himself into a hole with a gold-plated shovel. Über-chic, but still tragic.
I made a conscious effort to enjoy Kocktails With Khloe and even by repeating, “You like the Kardashians, you like the Kardashians,” I still kept checking the time left on the episode because it’s kind of a trainwreck.
Kocktails doesn’t have a traditional camera set-up. It’s more of a hidden-in-the-walls, rigged to the ceiling situation, which feels about as intimate as watching someone in the locker room. Not that I’ve ever done that.
The guests come in through the front door—Kym Whitley, Brandi Glanville, and Aisha Tyler. And there’s a hot bartender who’s making custom drinks and his name is Sharone which is confusing to me but I’m not gonna pursue it.
Since the set is a “house” and the guests come through the front door, I have a few questions. Do they have coats? Where does the front door go to? Do they have to wipe their feet?
The conversation is a little stilted and uncomfortable, and it’s mostly just Kym hitting on Sharone—who is married with kids—and Brandi Glanville refuses to talk about her ex-husband’s wife Leann Rimes. Brandi Glanville also makes me uncomfortable because she has total shark-eyes and I think she’s unpredictable, like she’s going to reach through the screen and grab my throat. Also later on she admitted to a threesome, so why can’t you give me the gossip about you and Leann?? Also they never even talk about how Brandi fell off a hoverboard. Literally stop avoiding all the things I care about.
Aisha Tyler is hands-down awesome—even when casually promoting her new range of alcohol (how koincidental)—and after a while, the awkwardness begins to dissipate. They do a lot of moving around—kitchen counter to couch to round table—so I want to go on the show just to get a major workout. And they play a lot of physical games—hop on one foot if you’ve ever…xyz or Brandi dancing like a ballerina as she admits to a threesome—and play “Would Or Wouldn’t Bang” which is only slightly more uncomfortable than watching a couple fight in the grocery store.
It also feels a little bit forced in the “girl talk” sections when Khloe is forcibly cackling when talking about wanting to bang Michael Fassbender. Like I wanna bang him too, but ladeez please.
Also omg Kendall Jenner was there. I had literally forgotten that until just now because she looked so uncomfortable. I mean, her outfit was amazing, but you could tell that Khloe pulled some sort of IOU to get her there.
Snoop Dogg shows up, because…I’m not sure why. The only thing I knew is that he doesn’t smoke pot while he coaches boys’ baseball and that he had no idea he was in Straight Outta Compton until he was in the theater watching the movie and saw someone playing him.
Also I learned that when Khloe gets to drinking, she becomes Khlomoney. Which is uncomfortable.
Some of the conversations are totally amazing—like Khloe talking about the double-standard of dating while separated, and Aisha and Kym talking about black women being represented in the media.
I think that the format leaves a lot to be desired, but that can always be reworked. Like, because it’s a talk show and it’s discussion-based, sometimes it can feel like it drags on. And I don’t think FYI wants me to be eighteen minutes in and feeling like it’s been forty minutes. With a little more structure—even though they “breaking the mold by changing up the late night format”—I think that Kocktails could actually be funny. Khloe is the most outspoken and doesn’t do that whole “whisper-talk” thing, so I think that she could really have a career out of interviewing people.
The Wunderkindof 