Humor, pop culture

TAYLORGATE: KIM KARDASHIAN IS THE INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST OF OUR GENERATION

Written after a nearly 13-hour workday. So tired I didn’t even consider writing “werkday.” That’s a lie. I thought about it.  

S/o to my coworker/friend/workout buddy Melanie (I’m too tired to think of a real pseudonym) for our extended work day. Also s/o to my other coworkers Lazy-Eye, Thinks She’s Pretty, Mittens, Tonya Harding, Voldemort, Real Housewives, Hot Sauce, and Rumplestiltskin. You guys are awful, but also hot?? I can’t figure it out.

I eventually want to address more serious topics, but the thought of exercising my brain in that direction is too much rn, so we’re going to move onto something that LIGHTS MY FIRE.

So much has gone since 2009 that I can’t even begin to recap it, but I’ll try to do my best. 2009 VMAs, Taylor Swift wins Best Music Video or whatever, over “Single Ladies.” Kanye storms the stage and says Bey deserved the award—true. Taylor gains massive popularity—kind of rightfully. Kanye is totally besmirched in the press—kind of rightfully. Both stars continue on their way, making a tentative peace the same way two rival prides of lions make a tenuous alliance.

All is relatively calm until Kanye releases “Famous” off the album The Life of Pablo. The lines “I think me and Taylor might still have sex; why? I made that bitch famous” strike a fire in Taylor, and she says in a later speech not to pay any mind to people who will try to “undercut and make claims to your fame.” V relatable.

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Source: People // GIVE US THE FACTS, KIM.

Kanye lashes back and says that Taylor knew and gave consent for the lyrics. Kim K concurs. Taylor basically calls Kim a brainwashed Stepford wife. Kim K says, “Rlly bitch?? We got video, hunty.” Taylor shits her pants but does not back down. The ruckus simmers. Recently, Calvin Harris and Tay broke up, then Calvin badmouthed Taylor (called her boring, again—kind of rightfully) and Taylor leaked that she wrote Harris’ summer Rihanna anthem “This is What You Came For.” Tbh I could take or leave the song. But that’s neither here nor there.

People are calling Taylor a snake, and Kim K—in time for the airing of the KUWTK episode that deals with the “Famous” drama—decides to pull out her fucking Sherlock Holmes cape and SnapChats the entire video that shows Kanye on the phone with a very-on-board Taylor Swift, thus apparently proving that Taylor was a tay-liar, and her high-waisted jorts were v much on fire. Kim showed the world the other side of Tay, and thus proved that she is more influential than Woodward and Bernstein combined. Kim makes Watergate like a middle school rumor mill. Bow down.

Taylor says the part she has an issue with was the “I made that bitch famous,” which she claims Kanye never cleared with her. But from what I glean from TayTay, I doubt that she was fine with “I think I could have sex with Taylor Swift” and not fine with “I made that bitch famous.” Seems like you’re upset about the wrong apart, Tay.

After this—a scene that makes Cersei Lannister blowing up King’s Landing with wildfire look like a FUCKING PLAYGROUND FIGHT—Selena Gomez decides to stop trying to revive her career and tweet on Taylor’s behalf. “Let’s use our platform for real issues,” she said. EXCEPT she has never tweeted about Alton Sterling, or Philando Castile, or any Black Lives Matter movement, or anything of that ilk. She tweeted about Orlando. But when t comes to defending a white woman, suddenly everyone wants to focus on “real issues.” Chloe Grace Moretz concurred with Selena Goawaymez, but she’s tweeted more about shoes than she has about social issues. Khloe got involved and tweeted an unfortunate picture of a girl she thought was Chloe, but it wasn’t. A for effort, Khlo, but no dice.

Part of me thinks this is a conspiracy concocted by Kim K and Tay—the witches of Macbeth—but that seems very extreme, given the excessive vitriol being lashed at Taylor. I think this because it’s very unlike Kim, who keeps everything in her queendom neat and ordered, to go off script like that and show something as messy as unveiling Tayliar Snake. Also, there is the whole “Search” aspect of the Taylor Swift note, which suggests that it was previously written and recalled for the occasion.

I would like to take a line from the Taylor Swift Instagram note. “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one I never asked to be a part of, since 2009.” Most of me thinks that this proves that Taylor Swift is just like everyone in the entertainment industry—largely concerned with projecting their own narrative. Which is fine, dude, but own up to it. Don’t try to destroy other people to protect your own image. Taylor Swift has included herself in that narrative, making herself the victim of Kanye West. She chose to indulge in that dialogue, to make herself a character in that storyline. She is the one who wrote a song about it, who kept bringing it up, who allowed it to buoy her. Don’t throw stones at the glass house you just walked out of. Don’t burn bridges that you might need to cross over again.

Taylor has made bank off of being the victim, playing off the racism in America that allows us to come to the defense of a white woman who is the “victim” of a black man, even when that black man has  done nothing wrong. He wrote a lyric about her? And what has she made her career off of if not writing about other people? Kanye West is not perfect, but stop pretending Taykor is. And this is not a dig at her relationships, or an attempt at slut-shaming. That should not be important to the conversation. What is important is that Taylor Swift is a pop powerhouse and media mogul. She is every bit as powerful as Kanye. She is not the underdog any longer.

And shockingly, I found myself agreeing with Selenirrelevant Gomez—celebrities, use your fucking platforms for something actually constructive. I was grateful for this welcome distraction from issues such as the Dallas shootings, or the Baton Rouge shootings, or the mistreatment of Leslie Jones, or the still prevalent restrictions of abortion—WHICH IS LEGAL—or the still discussion of same-sex marriage, or the fact that Trump made Mike Pence—who LEGALIZED queer discrimination in Indiana—as his VP. Sometimes we need something dumb to give us a breather, and to make us realize what is really important.

We need to care more about social justice issues than social media. I think that the Tayliar situation reflects a lot of how our society thinks, but we need to focus on issues that require real, dynamic change. I’m a complete pop cultural anthropologist/junkie/apologist, but even I understand that this debacle is PENNIES compared to what else is going on. I wish the people I see in my life and on social media who are as fired up about taking sides in the Kan-Tay-Kim fight would be as passionate about other issues. No tea, no shade, but we need to pour our influence towards real change.

And lastly, remember that Beyoncé’s sheer greatness created a feud between two of the most powerful alphas in the entertainment industry. She did this by accident. Imagine what havoc Queen Bey could cause on purpose.

The moral of this article is: Buy “Lemonade” on iTunes. You don’t want to know what might happen if you don’t.

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Celebrity Sunday, Holidannys

CELEBRITY SUNDAY: SAINT, SELENA, SNL, AND HILLARY

This week has been chockfull of exciting celebrity news! News sounds a lot like “nudes,” doesn’t it? And also “cruise.” Interesting. I hope you enjoy the second installment of “Celebrity Sunday!” Now dive in!

Starting off, we’ve got:

1). Selena Gomez and Niall Horan were apparently kissing at Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s birthday party:

This one is alternatively titled “Selena Gomez just became Number 1 on my hit list.” Okay, so Selena has since denied that anything is going on between her and the only non-tattooed member of One Direction, the blonde Irish hunk Niall Horan. They were seen having dinner together last month, and apparently they were getting the PDA on at the birthday party. But now, in an interview with Entertainment Tonight at Billboard’s 10th Annual Women in Music event in New York City, the 23-year-old former witch said that is a definite PD-nay. I guess I should be happy that my Irish prince isn’t with Selena Gomez, but I’m also offended that she would be in such deep de-Niall about how hot he is.

2). SAINT WEST:

If I literally hear another person say “Uh, Kim and Kanye think they’re gods, so of course they named their kid Saint,” I will flip a shit. Obviously Kim and Kanye don’t think like that, because no one other than Kim Davis thinks like that, and can we just appreciate the name for the name? It’s a cute name, and as long as they don’t pronounce it as “san”—the French way—I’ll be fine. Also it’s probably much more a reference to Saint-Laurent and high fashion in general. Bottom line, it’s a chic name, and truly, what were we expecting? That they would name their kid “Ricky?” Like, we all thought it would be South or Easton. And if you can’t handle him at his “South,” you don’t deserve him at his “Saint.”

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3). I Am Jazz is renewed for a second season:

I Am Jazz, the TLC show following the life of Jazz Jennings, a transgender teenager, got renewed for a second season. Okay, why is this important? Omg I’m so glad you asked. It’s important because any amount of positive representation of the transgender community is massively, hugely, sensationally important. Especially when shows like I Am Jazz shine a light on a different story. Obviously I Am Cait is amazing, but that portrays a very narrow focus on an adult, white, privileged, traditionally beautiful transgender woman. So whenever representation falls upon different people, it’s a positive. Because Caitlyn Jenner, while she is currently the most prominent transgender person on the screen right now, is not the only. Also check out Benton Sorensen and Kat Blaque if you’re interested in other representations of trans youth!

4). The Saturday Night Live Alien Abduction skit:

So I think this might technically have been last week, but we all know that no one actually watches SNL on the day; we all just see various clips throughout the week on Facebook. And oftentimes—and I’m by no means a “comedy writer” so take my opinion with a grain of salt—SNL kind of disappoints me. But I love when the actors break while they’re doing a skit, and this just took the cake. Also I think the idea of aliens doing some serious titty-bouncing is hilarious and very likely. Do you believe in aliens? Comment down below!

5). Kris Jenner is trying to trademark #proudmama:

Kris Jenner is a literal g0ddess but also crazy, so this doesn’t surprise me. The 60-year-old Yzma lookalike uses #proudmama on her Instagram regularly, and is trying to trademark it for “marketing purposes.” In May 2015, she also filed a legal bid to trademark “momager.” I can understand the “momager” thing, but “proud mama” just seems like a stretch. But she is an incredibly shrewd businesswoman, so maybe she’s just giggling/cackling at all this promo all the way to the bank in her Yeezy sneakers.

6). Hillary Clinton says that Donald Trump is no longer funny:

The future President of the United States appeared on Late Night With Seth Meyers and said that she is no longer amused by Donald Trump. And everyone in the entire world answers with a resounding, “Yeah, same. Duh.” Before his inflammatory comments about barring Muslims from entering the US, he was an “equal-opportunity insulter.” But his comments are dangerous now, Hillary says, because it gives ammunition to terrorists for spreading their propaganda. Isolating and alienating Muslim-Americans only perpetuates this dumb idea that they can’t be trusted. And then it becomes this downward spiral. The interview also came a few days after Arianna Huffington wrote that they would no longer be covering Trump in the “Entertainment” section. They refused to recognize the legitimacy of his candidacy, but he is no longer funny. “We are no longer entertained.”

7). The trailer for Tarzan came out:

Alexander Skarsgard is so hot, and I’m going to be so real, that’s the only reason this movie A) appears on my Celebrity Sunday list, B) is relevant, and C) was even made. Like, I don’t know how necessary a Tarzan movie was. But seeing Alexander Skarsgard shirtless with abs ripping through the screen is totally necessary.

8). Rihanna raises over $3 million at the Diamond Ball 2015—and also looks amazing in Dior:

Rihanna hosted her second annual Diamond Ball for her Clara Lionel foundation. She raised over $3 million to “improve the quality of life for communities globally in areas of health, education, arts, and culture.” Kylie Jenner attended the Ball, as did Will and Jada Smith, and Lionel Richie. Most importantly, she looks amazing in a diaphanous cream silk dress and matching coat by Dior.

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9). Hillary Clinton is going to guest-star on Broad City:

This is very important because three of my favorite people are going to be in the same space together. The future President of the United States will appear in the upcoming third season of the Comedy Central hit. It isn’t known yet how/what capacity Hillary will feature in the Amy Poehler-produced show, but it’s obviously going to be amazing, yasqueen? The trio posted a pic on Twitter, collectively shattering my pelvis and the Internet.

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10). The trailer for Chelsea Handler’s new Netflix series is out:

Everyone’s favorite late-night comedian and the “coslopus” queen, Chelsea Handler, has a new Netflix show. The four-part docuseries is entitled Chelsea Does and will follow Chelsea as she dives into the respective worlds of marriage, Silicon Valley, racism, and drugs. Originally it was thought that Handler, after leaving her E! talk show to partner with Netflix, was going to produce a streaming, current show. However, it looks like that has morphed into the docuseries. The series will drop in January. I’m really excited about this show because Chelsea has often, and loudly, talked about how she doesn’t really enjoy dissecting celebrity culture. And as a self-proclaimed pop culture journalist, I can totally relate to how dangerous it can be to fall into that honey trap. This series follows Chelsea as she dissects and discusses actual, thoughtful, real issues, while maintaining her humor and psychosis.

I’m going to put Celebrity Sunday to bed, because this bitch is a lot to handle. But don’t worry, we’ll be back next week. I mean, I’ll be back tomorrow. But the duo—me and the amorphous (omg, that doesn’t mean “fat!” Stop, CS! Don’t be crazy!) Celebrity Sunday—are going to go underground, do our research, and reemerge as stunning Dior butterflies this time next week!

HAPPY HOLIDANNYS!

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